[LittleLeah]

My C-PTSD has been at it's all time worst. I can hardly function and earlier this week I was released from the hospital for SI. Yesterday I got together with my 2 best friends. They are the only ones, outside of my husband, to know my trauma history. My family only thinks I was hospitalized for depression.

Yesterday didn't go so well. Both of them have kids and so they were there as well. It was next to impossible to have much of an adult conversation because the we were constantly interrupted by the kids. I don't hold it against them, the oldest was two and a half. But I also really needed to have a deep talk with my best friends. My anxiety was pretty high while I was there and I began to feel like it was a bad decision to get together.

The weather was really nice yesterday so we ended up hanging out in the backyard. My friend filled up a little kiddie pool for them to play in in the hopes of keeping them busy enough to talk. Well that didn't work out so well. My one friend's oldest, the two year old, kept splashing around and getting wet so my friend decided to just take his clothes off and let him go naked. That's completely normal. But

Possible trigger:

I couldn't quit staring at his penis. Growing up there were three of us in my neighborhood who were the same age; two of us girls and one boy. When we were 4 and 5 my neighbor, the boy's dad, molested us and had us in porn. In one of my memories I remember he also had his youngest son who was 2 in the room but he was wearing diapers.

Yesterday seeing my friend's naked 2 year old boy brought back a memory that I still can't remember if that makes any sense. It's like I know that there is a memory there but I can't figure it out. It's like when you have a word on the tip of your tongue, you can't help but keep trying to figure it out. I don't really want to remember but at the same time my brain won't let it go. All day it keeps coming back to that and I want it to stop!

[Out There]

Hugs. It can be difficult when a memory tries to surface. Its the stuff we want to keep in the cupboard. But sometimes this can happen before breakthroughs. Do you have a T to work with ? Trying to talk to friends when they're busy and preoccupied is difficult , and the unexpected situation has come from that. I understand the feeling of wanting it to stop , but surfacing can mean processing.

[LittleLeah]

I'm in the process of searching for a new T. It's been awhile since I've had one that I've connected with. I really need one though. I'm afraid of having a breakthrough and not having professional support. My poor husband feels so overwhelmed and helpless as it is. He's trying his hardest but all he can do is be there for me and support me. He doesn't have the know-how to handle this.

[TrailRunner14]

((( soft hug )))

Don't know if you journal or not, but it has been a point of great break through for me. When I am at points that distress me. I sit down with my journal and write whatever comes to my mind with no thought or judgement for it to make sense. I just write what I hear. Sometimes it takes days and sometimes it comes quicker.

It's like you said, trying to remember something that is in the tip of your tongue. I take my mind off pushing to get it and it comes.

I hope that makes sense. My heart feels where you are.

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[LittleLeah]

I appreciate you guys. My nightmares have become way worse since this. I don't remember these nightmares but they've come to the point where my husband has to wake me up because I'm thrashing and whimpering. I've had more physical problems as well. All around it's been a really awful weekend!