[leomama]

Good morning everyone,

Its funny, I always find it amusing to see posts on other websites about how to care for people with PDs and PTSD.

Why you ask? Because nobody in my life ever cared about me in that way. From my family completely denying my mental health disability, to my ex husband continuing to be verbally abusive. We won't get into living with my 16 year old daughter. In regards to her I've had to set boundaries with her: I've made it very clear to her that my PTSD is not her responsibility however I will not have her mocking me about it. She's not interested in reading an electronic book for teens whose parent has PTSD, she advises me to go off my medication and smoke marijuana instead, and she denies her own possible PTSD so that's where that's at.

I guess that's why I'm so hard and why I get along so well with military veterans. In my life if I do have PTSD its my fault, and if I don't (meaning I'm making it up) , well I can't even address that one.

Its challenging to me to encourage others to care about people in their lives with PTSD and personality disorders when the people in my life who are or aren't diagnosed are either in denial or are in denial.



I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, that's not my intention. I'm just venting because I'm frustrated.

This forum, the C-PTSD forum, is relatively safe for me, I hope it stays that way.

[Open Eyes]

leomama, you most definitely are an individual who tries very hard. I think the important thing to develop in "self" is an understanding that this "nobody cares" that you have experienced is mostly due to how in most cases the real problem is more in how a lot of people simply don't know "how to care".

As you make progress in your own healing and understanding your own challenges and what went into creating these challenges you have, often what can happen is that you learn a lot, and in that you begin to recognize the gravity of how dysfunctional human behavior patterns can actually be a lot more widespread in humanity then you realized.

As far as trying to get your daughter to understand? Well, that is most definitely a challenge at the age you have said your daughter is. Try to keep in mind that at age 16, most are still very self absorbed and simply don't have the capacity to understand things from the point you are in your life. It is most definitely a challenge being the parent of a child this age. I think it's important that you recognize that at this age there is still a lot of narcissism and considering how you struggle, that can be triggering. No, your daughter is not interested in reading a book about "you", at this age the typical is a desire to read a book about "self" instead. That can be triggering for someone who may have developed a PD from growing up in a family where the parents and siblings were self absorbed and simply were not "there" for you when you not only needed support, but deserved to have a parent "there" for you.

[TishaBuv]

I've been dealing with this same kind of thought myself today. I made another post "You can't get empathy from a Narcissist". I had asked for so little, but he wouldn't/couldn't care for me like I needed. I agree with Open eyes, maybe they don't know how. But even when I told them how, still no luck.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I think it's important that you recognize that at this age there is still a lot of narcissism and considering how you struggle, that can be triggering. No, your daughter is not interested in reading a book about "you", at this age the typical is a desire to read a book about "self" instead. That can be triggering for someone who may have developed a PD from growing up in a family where the parents and siblings were self absorbed and simply were not "there" for you when you not only needed support, but deserved to have a parent "there" for you.

Hi Open Eyes, actually maybe I have not shared with this board yet that years ago my former therapist said he was afraid I was raising a narcissist? Her father has narcissistic traits. So in her case, its not age appropriate narcissism.

Were you talking about me "may have developed a PD"? If so I was already and diagnosed with a PD, PD NOS to be specific, and it was treated with 7 years of therapy.

Its really been an eye opener the consequences in terms of self disclosure of PTSD. The cat is already out of the bag and I can't stuff it back in, its long gone.

In my regards to my one sibling, I haven't said to much about him for not wanting to out myself. My brother actually has a visible disability, and so when I was growing up all the attention went to him right when I needed it: I got skipped 1st grade and then was bullied as a result and my parents were totally absorbed with my brother because they felt guilty he got sick and i got thrown under the bus. In fact I don't even like talking about it online because I've been attacked before by parents whose children have disabilities as if I have no right to speak my truth.

I'm glad you gave me critical feedback. I've been asked to write a blog article for an organization I volunteer for and I've very reluctant to do so as I know as soon as I put something out there its out of my hands.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I've been dealing with this same kind of thought myself today. I made another post "You can't get empathy from a Narcissist". I had asked for so little, but he wouldn't/couldn't care for me like I needed. I agree with Open eyes, maybe they don't know how. But even when I told them how, still no luck.

I think you and I have talked about your husband before and you denied he had any traits of a PD so I backed off.

If you want some help with that now, PM me and I can give you some resources.

Yes, it is pwPD that is giving me a problem today, most of that stuff is the internalized "critical parent" or nightmares about my ex, however there is one pwPD in my life that I am still in contact with on a regular basis, other then my child, which doesn't count as her personality is not quite set yet, but almost.

I guess it was obvious, the connection between being a non and having C-PTSD.

My title was snarky, I probably shouldn't have wrote it. I administer a page for people with PTSD and I found myself getting triggered helping others because nobody ever helped me. That's the only reason I posted this.

I also recognize I'm being irrational because I'm using words like "nobody" so maybe I should stop using that. I can say that the people who were supposed to care about me: parents, husband, did not help me. I kind of relive the same thing when I go to a parents Al-Anon meeting: my parents didn't care about me. My dad used to tell me to smoke a joint when I was exhibiting emotional sensitivity.

I know that by helping others I get better so I'm not going to throw in the towel, but/and it helps. (I know I'm not supposed to say but from DBT but sometimes, see, I get sick of it, just like I know I'm not supposed to say nobody but, see, sometimes I get so sick and tired of having to control myself, be the well one, be the healthy one, keep it all together. Sometimes I wish I could just let it fall all apart, but I don't because I've got me and my daughter to take care of.)

[TishaBuv]

Recently I asked my sisters why they sat there and did nothing while my mother screamed at me every night at the dinner table because I wouldn't eat. They said they just didn't know what to do. They were in shock. I can't ask my father because he died.

Maybe your talking with those who should have come to your aid will make you feel a little better.

I remember us talking about the possibility of him being a N. I am sure he is to a degree, probably not to a disorder. And here I am longing for empathy from him...

[leomama]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Recently I asked my sisters why they sat there and did nothing while my mother screamed at me every night at the dinner table because I wouldn't eat. They said they just didn't know what to do. They were in shock. I can't ask my father because he died.

Maybe your talking with those who should have come to your aid will make you feel a little better.

I remember us talking about the possibility of him being a N. I am sure he is to a degree, probably not to a disorder. And here I am longing for empathy from him...

Tisha Buv I'm afraid I haven't shared much of my story here on psych central because whenever I do I get misunderstood which is very frustrating for me.

I've been dealing with this stuff, confronting these people, in terms of my family, since I was a teenager.

What's triggered me today is now I am helping other people with PTSD and simultaneously having my PTSD used against me by someone else. Its a double bind. I suppose I could caution other people on self disclosure in the hopes of preventing other people the pain I am currently suffering.

Narcissism exists on a continuum, and only a licensed psychologist could diagnose NPD. From what you've told us about your husband, it definitely sounds like he has traits of a PD.

[Open Eyes]

I also recognize I'm being irrational because I'm using words like "nobody" so maybe I should stop using that. I can say that the people who were supposed to care about me: parents, husband, did not help me. I kind of relive the same thing when I go to a parents Al-Anon meeting: my parents didn't care about me. My dad used to tell me to smoke a joint when I was exhibiting emotional sensitivity.

((leomama)), when someone struggles with PTSD, it really does feel like nobody cared or cares or will have the capacity to understand how challenging PTSD really is. Let's be honest, PTSD is "lonely". You help others that struggle because you know that and you want to reach out to them so they don't feel so alone. It actually can be helpful to help others who struggle, and sometimes that can actually help "self" realize things about themselves that can be "self healing" at the same time.

Actually, one of my therapists told me that a lot of individuals get into the field of psychology and become psychologists that have problems themselves. Sometimes while they practice their own challenges come to the surface and it's not unusual for a psychologist to find themselves needing therapy at some point. However, some therapists find that by helping patients, they find answers to their deep "hurts or needs" and they grow as they help others.

You are never going to be "perfect" or have the capacity to solve all problems. The important thing is that you continue to grow as a person leomama. Honestly, the truth about life is we never stop growing and learning.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((leomama)), when someone struggles with PTSD, it really does feel like nobody cared or cares or will have the capacity to understand how challenging PTSD really is. Let's be honest, PTSD is "lonely". You help others that struggle because you know that and you want to reach out to them so they don't feel so alone. It actually can be helpful to help others who struggle, and sometimes that can actually help "self" realize things about themselves that can be "self healing" at the same time.

Actually, one of my therapists told me that a lot of individuals get into the field of psychology and become psychologists that have problems themselves. Sometimes while they practice their own challenges come to the surface and it's not unusual for a psychologist to find themselves needing therapy at some point. However, some therapists find that by helping patients, they find answers to their deep "hurts or needs" and they grow as they help others.

You are never going to be "perfect" or have the capacity to solve all problems. The important thing is that you continue to grow as a person leomama. Honestly, the truth about life is we never stop growing and learning.

Hmm, I'm still not being understood by you which is good for me to know as I am preparing to write a blog post for an organization I volunteer for. I was taught that when a person does not understand me it is my job to make them understand me, so that is what I am trying to do here. This is kind of my test run for my blog post.

What I am trying to say is that a person in my life is trying to use my PTSD against me.

I know that there are people in my life who care, such as my pastor or even my daughter to the extent that she can.

Recently I had to tell my ex husband that he can not just come over without texting or calling because of my PTSD. I've told some of my ex in-laws about my PTSD which resulted in them revealing to me that some of their family members struggled with PTSD too.

I don't talk to my parents or my brother about it.

Its ironic you mentioned psychologist because my current therapist told me I (almost) know enough to be a doctor.

I'm still curious as to why you think I had a PD. Would you mind answering that question?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

If I am not mistaken, this is something you have mentioned getting therapy for and you feel that has helped you understand yourself better and you are functioning better now. And you have shared this even in this thread:

Yes I finished that treatment over a year ago, and no, I never said "I feel that it has helped me understand myself better and I am functioning better now". I never ever said that. You must be thinking about my PTSD.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Please know leomama, I am not diagnosing you. And I have not been intensely studying you in that I am following everything you have posted. What caught my attention is the title of your thread as I can relate to feeling that others did not care about me and imagining what it would be like for me if they did care as I had needed and badly.

It wouldn't matter if you did. And I'm not paranoid, so I'm not sure why you mentioned intensely studying me. The title of my thread was snarky, and I should not have titled as such. I actually don't care if others care about me.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well, in my input/post my contribution was recognizing that you are most definitely putting a lot of effort into "trying". I have done that myself and can relate, however, my history is different than yours so in that my input will be based on whatever I have learned. Anyone who will read your blog will do that and will only absorb what you are saying in a way they can relate according to their history of challenges and where ever they happen to be in their own healing process. The past two weeks alone for me has been so full of challenges that I am simply not focused completely on you leomama, and my input is based on what I have had a chance to read of you as well as the topic you are talking about in how it relates to my own challenges.

Putting a lot of effort into trying. Hmm.
My blog?
I think again I misrepresented myself.
I've been asked to write an article for an organization I volunteer for.
It wouldn't be a personal blog.
It wouldn't be about my challenges.
It would be about being the daughter of a man with narcissistic traits.
I can see I made a mistake by posting here. I thought the C-PTSD forum was safe but now I can see that even that is not safe for me.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

This is something that I can most definitely relate to myself. Individuals that have failed me in some capacity like to blame "their" failures on the fact that I struggle with PTSD. Sadly, it has become a go to excuse for others that don't want to put any effort into recognizing their own short comings.

Again, I was not specific here as it has to do with a specific relationship. It has nothing to do with me and it has everything to do with the other person.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

For example, my husband exhibits behavior patterns that have long been hard for me to deal with. He tends to blame me when he has misplaced things, I must have moved whatever it is he has misplaced. One day my husband got for free a couple of chocolate sheet cakes because they were in a shipment in a big truck that got into an accident and the entire truck landed on it's side and in my state when that happens all of the food contents of a truck that experiences that are condemed to be thown away, even if the food is salvageable. So, I asked if it was ok to open this sheet cake to eat some. He came over and proceeded to pull away the plastic cover and when the top of the cake was sticking to the cake pulling some of the top off of the cake he said, "Look what YOU DID, the top is coming off the cake". I did NOTHING to cause that to happen, but he chose to blame me. If I get angry he gets angry and blames it on "my PTSD". Do you think that is fair?????

I am sorry you experienced that. My ex husband has untreated bipolar disorder, untreated substance abuse and undiagnosed sociopathic and narcissistic traits.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Oh, believe me, I could go on and on about how I experience that challenge where others have treated me badly, don't want to acknowledge their problem but instead prefer to use the PTSD as the problem. Honestly, when there are others in one's life that are dysfunctional, it's harder when one struggles with PTSD because that can most definitely become just another stick dysfunctional people tend to use that only adds to the challenge.

Hmm, that's interesting. Why don't you write a post about that?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Now, aside from what I have already posted, one of the things that I have learned is that while there are so many labels that have been developed that have different behavior patterns, there can actually be reasons in an individual that can develop into these individuals presenting these behavior problems.

Hmm, I don't really care about the reasons why someone behaves the way they do. If its causing me a problem I want it out of my life.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

For example, my husband has dyslexia and ADHD, so to begin with his brain is set up in such a way that his ability to learn is "different", this is not about lack of intelligence, instead it is simply a way we have identified individuals who's brains are set up that have areas that are weaker, yet may have areas that are stronger than average. I did not know about my husband's ADHD until about a year ago where my therapist upon spending time with him had noticed the clear red flags that my husband presented that most definitely exhibit him struggling with ADHD. So FINALLY, I had that explained to me and FINALLY there was most definitely a reason for the way I was constantly being challenged, had made efforts to reach out for help with, yet, failed to get the help I needed that would have most definitely improved my ability to deal with the many challenges that were presented to me over the 36 years I have been married to this man. Also, I can say that some of how my husband behaves can also be behaviors that are described in "narcissistic behavior patterns".

Ok so why don't you write a post about that? Like a stand alone post? I'm sure people in the partners forum could relate.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

The truth is that people can be unique, be born with challenges that if not understood and directed properly, can evolve into that individual developing unhealthy behavior problems. My daughter inherited the dyslexia, not sure about the ADHD. So, there are behaviors in my daughter that are similar to my husband. I was lucky that I was able to have my daughter diagnosed and I was able to learn about her challenges so I could help her and support her while she was growing and learning. I do have to keep in mind however that when I am interacting with her that I can't get too long winded. My brain is very different in that I am a deep thinker and can lose the attention of others that simply don't have the ability to think as deeply and expand on one topic as I can.

Ok sounds like you have something to say in the healthy parenting forum. Have you thought about posting there as well?

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

With my husband that has ADHD, often his behavior is to talk over me, interupt me, cut me off and not let me finish what I am trying to say. It's VERY challenging living with someone who is like that. Actually, his behavior patterns can be VERY intrusive and he tends to TAKE OVER and invade as needing to have something happen "his way". He is so bad that if I am driving the car and he is a passenger, he calls out every turn, stop light, stop sign, step on the brake to the point where I just want to scream "shut up already". Honestly, often when I come across someone who triggers me? It typically results in discovering that individual has ADHD. And, as I have already mentioned, the PTSD only gave reason to believe that other individual is "right" when that individual was actually "wrong".

I would strongly encourage you to post in the partners forum. I bet a lot of people there could relate to you.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

So, that being said, IMHO, there is more involved when it comes to labels. I believe that eventually, that will be more recognized.

Ok, not sure where the labels thing came in. My current therapist isn't working with any over all label regarding my treatment. She's dealing with behaviors which I'm not comfortable disclosing here other then to say she's dealing with me buying myself time, asking myself if whatever is coming at me is good for me, and not talking to the village about my problems.

[Open Eyes]

I can see I made a mistake by posting here. I thought the C-PTSD forum was safe but now I can see that even that is not safe for me.

I would not want you to feel unsafe because of my posts in your thread leomama, so I will refrain from posting. I have deleted what I can, no need for further exchange.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I would not want you to feel unsafe because of my posts in your thread leomama, so I will refrain from posting. I have deleted what I can, no need for further exchange.

While I appreciate that it doesn't change the fact that Complex PTSD forum is no longer safe for me to post in.

[Open Eyes]

The only thing "I" can do leomama is let you know I will not post in your threads and will add that I will not read your threads in hopes that will help with your sense of feeling "safe". I am struggling enough right now myself so if my input doesn't help you, it doesn't help me either and isn't safe for me either.

So this will be my last response ok?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

The only thing "I" can do leomama is let you know I will not post in your threads and will add that I will not read your threads in hopes that will help with your sense of feeling "safe". I am struggling enough right now myself so if my input doesn't help you, it doesn't help me either and isn't safe for me either.

So this will be my last response ok?

That's fine, but you're not the problem.

i feel the same way

[leomama]

I wrote that because all my life I've been the rock, people have leaned on me, and I guess that's just my role.