HYE heard of Passive Suicidal Ideation?

I actually fit that description precisely and it is aggravating describing it to others.

You are told "don't do it! you have so much to offer!"
Or
"Death is not what you really want ... (adlib their motion of what you want)"

So - in essence - you are basically told you don't know what it is you are feeling n you need to stop feeling it.

Translation to the person feeling it: "keep your feelings to yourself, they are too scary, I can't deal with them so you need to accept what I can handle"

End result: person feeling this way - never says a thing n just sinks ever further into depression and feeling totally alone in how they feel, like nobody else has ever felt this.

I don't know if this feeling ever results in suicide. I do know it would be odd. I have absolutely zero interest in taking part in ending my life.

But...

Let someone come thru my door, weapon in hand n threaten to use it on me ... this girl would just stand there n let him (or her) use it

If I was out on a boat that capsized n we could not right it. Sure, I would go through the motions of treading water .. but when I got too tired to continue n when I started to feel exhaustion n dehydration overtake me - I would welcome the knowledge of what is to come.

If I were diagnosed with a terminal illness - I would not fight it off.

But...I will not actively put a weapon in hand or create a dangerous situation on which to cause my demise.

I simply know - death would be better. Period. So I long for it. The same as many long for a million dollars yet refuse to rob a bank.

Thanks - it's still there, I try to push it into the background. It was a factor in not looking after myself for years and ending up getting diabetes. I couldn't kill myself properly, but I also couldn't care enough about myself because I didn't really want to live either. I have to fight this all the time. Sometimes it wins, sometimes I do, sometimes it's a draw.

I live fairly unhealthily & am aware of it. I don't exercise, eat properly, etc. While I know this will be my undoing, I don't really care. Would that qualify? I look at people who live healthy lifestyles & don't really emulate them. There a line from a song by an old band called The Who (for those of you who are younger): "I hope I die before I get old." I don't know if my situation qualifies, but that's my story & I'm sticking too it...

I actually fit that description precisely and it is aggravating describing it to others.

You are told "don't do it! you have so much to offer!"
Or
"Death is not what you really want ... (adlib their motion of what you want)"

So - in essence - you are basically told you don't know what it is you are feeling n you need to stop feeling it.

Translation to the person feeling it: "keep your feelings to yourself, they are too scary, I can't deal with them so you need to accept what I can handle"

End result: person feeling this way - never says a thing n just sinks ever further into depression and feeling totally alone in how they feel, like nobody else has ever felt this.

I don't know if this feeling ever results in suicide. I do know it would be odd. I have absolutely zero interest in taking part in ending my life.

But...

Let someone come thru my door, weapon in hand n threaten to use it on me ... this girl would just stand there n let him (or her) use it

If I was out on a boat that capsized n we could not right it. Sure, I would go through the motions of treading water .. but when I got too tired to continue n when I started to feel exhaustion n dehydration overtake me - I would welcome the knowledge of what is to come.

If I were diagnosed with a terminal illness - I would not fight it off.

But...I will not actively put a weapon in hand or create a dangerous situation on which to cause my demise.

I simply know - death would be better. Period. So I long for it. The same as many long for a million dollars yet refuse to rob a bank.

I have passive ideation every day, pretty much. It does get worse, at times for various reasons, but I'm usually always having ideation.

I don’t mean to hijack the thread. I just want to say that I don’t feel like this anymore. I’m over it.

Recovery is possible.

I think I played it all out in my head and now I’m just over it.

I actually fit that description precisely and it is aggravating describing it to others.

You are told "don't do it! you have so much to offer!"
Or
"Death is not what you really want ... (adlib their motion of what you want)"

So - in essence - you are basically told you don't know what it is you are feeling n you need to stop feeling it.

Translation to the person feeling it: "keep your feelings to yourself, they are too scary, I can't deal with them so you need to accept what I can handle"

End result: person feeling this way - never says a thing n just sinks ever further into depression and feeling totally alone in how they feel, like nobody else has ever felt this.

I don't know if this feeling ever results in suicide. I do know it would be odd. I have absolutely zero interest in taking part in ending my life.

But...

Let someone come thru my door, weapon in hand n threaten to use it on me ... this girl would just stand there n let him (or her) use it

If I was out on a boat that capsized n we could not right it. Sure, I would go through the motions of treading water .. but when I got too tired to continue n when I started to feel exhaustion n dehydration overtake me - I would welcome the knowledge of what is to come.

If I were diagnosed with a terminal illness - I would not fight it off.

But...I will not actively put a weapon in hand or create a dangerous situation on which to cause my demise.

I simply know - death would be better. Period. So I long for it. The same as many long for a million dollars yet refuse to rob a bank.

I was very open and honest about these thoughts with therapists. The last one I went to took what I said to a higher level than it was, and I am not going back to any more therapists as a result.

I asked you about this in another thread about the T. That's what I was afraid of is that they would either blow it off or go overboard. And they might be mandated to do something like when you mention suicide, not sure. Sorry that happened. Can you find another therapist?

That's the thing though Trace14, most of us who feel this way, the only time the word "suicide" is used is for clarification purposes. As in "But I am in no way suicidal - I simply, would rather be dead than alive." So they should not need to be mandated about anything. We are not threatening to harm anyone. We are not telling them about an illegal activity. Those are the mandates unless a legal authority calls demanding records ... that's an exception to standard mandates. So basically - it is just a general assumption that in fact "I would rather be dead" means "I plan to kill myself" .. and you spend 90% of the appointment time defending that it DOES NOT mean that. It is quite aggravating.

You have to state that word because they bring it up even if you try to tip for around it.

The point is - it is their job to listen to you and help you to resolve your problems; not to decide they know your problems better than you and try to resolve your problems based upon that

Like I wrote in my "Craving Death" post it is similar to someone saying "help me! the sky just turned red!" Another person says "no, the sky is blue. you just think it's red." First person says "no, it's red! and points to the setting sun... Second person says "Ahh, but look! It's really blue! and indicates the area around it. The original person was afraid of the setting sun. For whatever reason, we never find out - because the second person was too busy convincing the first person how "wrong" he or she is...

First rule of helping anyone: LISTEN

Agree, thanks for all the input on this.

Have you ever discussed it with your T?

With T and pdoc.

Pdoc and I usually rdate it on a scale 0 to 10. And I've explained to him (on a better day) where to start getting concerned, where to start asking about IP, and where to consider pushing harder for IP instead of just asking.

With T its a little harder to talk about because it's not so analytical, I guess. She wants to talk and explore it, and most days, it's just there and there really isn't a reason so much.

This is a very interesting discussion. I have this. If a Dr told me tomorrow I was terminally ill I wouldn't care. The best option I have to do what I can to make sure my daughter has the resources to work through her MI and hopefully someday be able to work a decent paying job, is my life insurance policy. Prospects for a comfortable retirement (ie: enough money to pay the bills and buy food) are pretty lame so what's the point? So I do think about this a lot, but I would never actually attempt because then insurance wouldn't pay out. It's a fairly new feeling to me and is related to my daughter, but is also related to the state of the world right now and the ongoing assault against programs that help senior citizens, those with MI and the poor. Unless you have a decent pension or retirement plan, what's the point any more?