[Carmina]

'I'm sad that I didn't have sex until I was 37' - BBC News

There are differences - I don't relate to that 'incel' label which is horrible and can become bound up with misogyny (not in this case though) - plus this guy is now with a partner, I'm still not, and although I have had relationships well before 37 almost all were the woman doing the initiating and things fizzling out when they eventually tired of me. But it's always been very hard and now I am older I find it impossible as I don't even have whatever those women did find attractive in me and I find it even harder to meet women I like (tried dating sites without success, I think they make things harder actually as everyone invests in them as the solution to dating rather than actual contact with people) This passage really struck me - this is exactly it:

Most of my friends had girlfriends. I watched from the sidelines while they were starting relationships and, later, getting married. That had a corrosive effect on my self-esteem, in a drip-drip way.

I was lonely and quite depressed - although I didn't recognise it then. That might have been about not having a sexual relationship, but it was also about a lack of intimacy.

I look back now and for about 15, probably 20 years, I really wasn't touched by a human being or held by anyone apart from immediate members of my family, like my mum, my dad and my sisters. Apart from that, any sort of physical, intimate contact was absent. So it's not just about sex.

If I saw somebody who I fancied, I didn't feel any excitement or pleasure - instead, my instant reaction was one of sadness and depression. I had a sense of hopelessness about it all.

I didn't have a fear of rejection - the idea of rejection was irrelevant because I was so certain that no-one would be reciprocating any attraction I felt.

It might have been a defence mechanism on my part, but I developed a deep feeling that it might be wrong to approach women and that it might be an imposition on them. I was certainly never going to be that guy who "used" women.

I felt women had the right to go about everyday life and enjoy a night out without having anyone approach them.

I often became friends with women I was attracted to. I'm sure many of them were completely unaware of my romantic feelings.