[Fuzzybear]

My parental units said I should be punished all my life

They wanted me to go to prison when I was 6 years old

They wanted me to go to boarding school when I was 8

They lied to me

They gaslighted me

They projected their hate and all their flaws for example extreme meanness with money and selfishness onto me

They wanted me to feel completely alone

But I don’t hate them

I miss the maternal unit sometimes

I’m not a dark being

I’m not a hater

But I’ve been hated so much

Or am I? Am I a terrible person but just so stupid or something I have no insight

[nicoleflynn]

I am so sorry you were so terribly abused. Abusers abuse, because they are miserable, angry people, and have issues they have never dealt with. It had nothing to do with who you were/are. Sadly as a child, we don't understand that and take all of the blame and shame that does NOT belong to you, but to the abuser. We miss what we never had. My mother was terribly abusive.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I am so sorry you were so terribly abused. Abusers abuse, because they are miserable, angry people, and have issues they have never dealt with. It had nothing to do with who you were/are. Sadly as a child, we don't understand that and take all of the blame and shame that does NOT belong to you, but to the abuser. We miss what we never had. My mother was terribly abusive.

Thank you I’m very sorry your mother was terribly abusive.

[LifelongLoner]

I can relate to your post. My gaslighting mother was mean and selfish. She used to tell me that my problem was that I did not do enough for others (meaning her). She told me as a young child that I was born to take care of her.

She once said to me: I can do whatever I want and you still have to love me because I am your mother. Needless to say, I grew up to be very unhappy. I mistook meanness for love.

As a child, I did not know any better. As an adult, I am severely damaged. It's not a matter of hating them back. It's not that I am stupid because the people who raised me did not prepare me for life like they were supposed to.

But there is this empty void in my life. I hole that I cannot fill myself or heal. Therapists call it a "damaged child" but that does not really describe the problem. I fill the hole with temporary band-aids (like music) but the hurt and the damage never go away. Am I angry about it? Yes. Love has no appeal to me; I'd rather avoid it all together. That is my reality.

[Fuzzybear]

Thank you for sharing

Originally Posted by LifelongLoner

I can relate to your post. My gaslighting mother was mean and selfish. She used to tell me that my problem was that I did not do enough for others (meaning her). She told me as a young child that I was born to take care of her.

She once said to me: I can do whatever I want and you still have to love me because I am your mother. Needless to say, I grew up to be very unhappy. I mistook meanness for love.

As a child, I did not know any better. As an adult, I am severely damaged. It's not a matter of hating them back. It's not that I am stupid because the people who raised me did not prepare me for life like they were supposed to.

But there is this empty void in my life. I hole that I cannot fill myself or heal. Therapists call it a "damaged child" but that does not really describe the problem. I fill the hole with temporary band-aids (like music) but the hurt and the damage never go away. Am I angry about it? Yes. Love has no appeal to me; I'd rather avoid it all together. That is my reality.

[Bill3]

You are not a horrible person.

You are a really good person.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You are not a horrible person.

You are a really good person.

Thank you Bill3

[Open Eyes]

Honestly Fuzzy, I just got told I was a horrible person by my sister who has been horrible to me and she never liked people that did not submit to her need for control. Every person who challenges her is a horrible person. It can be very triggering to hear these very negative comments.

Thing is Fuzzy, don't believe these nasty things toxic people say. I know it hurts and it can "feel" like you must have done something wrong to be on the receiving end of mean statements, I struggle with that one myself. However, it's important to realize that a nice person would not say those things and a toxic person says them because THEY have problems and feel inferior and need to put others down so they can feel power.

[downandlonely]

No one can hurt us as much as family. I'm sorry your parents were so cruel to you. You didn't deserve it.

I am sorry it hurts so much.

[eskielover]

Sometimes those people who seem toxic are fighting their own battles & the fight spills over onto those around them. I was guilty of this being a very independent person (I think born that way) but it sermed like I had to fight for everything in my life & I wasn't about to back down when I knew I was only fighting for what I wanted to accomplish in my life & that wasn't going to harm anyone else. My goals were non-harmful but the way I went about protecting them was.....My daughter & I have discussed this & she understands & I apologized after seeing what really had been happening in my life. Ah the peace & not having to battle is wonderful.

Saying this because each situation is so very different even though behaviors look the same on the surface & are just as toxic....sometimes the reasons behind them aren't all that the person is being toxic because they are just a horrible person.

As kids we can't possible know or understand this (lol....I didn't even know myself why until I was 60+). All these things are so complex & there just comes a point in our life where we need to be able to say.....I want to be this in spite of anything that happened in the past & make it our goal to get there with that being our focus.....while having T really helps at the same time to process that past & to integrate it into those present goals

[KD1980]

Well, that is not true. You're not a horrible person. You deserve to be happy and safe.

It sounds like They were projecting. They needed a punching bag. My biological father was the same way.