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Default Jan 05, 2021 at 12:53 PM
  #1
I’m not sure that this post fits in this category, but it seems the best I can find.

I’m feeling kind of at dead ends and desperate at the moment.

I’ve been around PsychCentral for awhile, dealing originally with issues in my life and in my past, but in the last several years I have posted a lot about the failure of therapy in general, and my last therapist in particular, to help. I’ve posted a lot in the Psychotherapy forum and some in the Personaltity Place forum several years ago. CPTSD wasn’t around as diagnosis when I was in therapy much, although it was starting to be discussed 10 years ago and the last therapist mentioned it as a possibility. And I think it probably fits.

When the last therapist terminated me, after 6 years, saying that she didn’t “have the emotional resources” to continue, that was devastating. I had been depending, not so much on the therapist herself, but on therapy generally to help. She was well-qualified, had diagnosed some conditions other therapists hadn’t. I thought those diagnoses made sense, and if they had gone undiagnosed that was a reason that previous therapists hadn’t worked out or helped much.

So, my dependence on that therapist/therapy-in-general and her rejection of me because I was too much for her emotional resources was -- horrendous. Likely a reenactment of situations from childhood which then triggered feelings which, despite the years of therapy, had remained buried/dissociated and unfelt.

Initially I wasn’t feeling the feelings from the past, though, just the ones associated with the therapist’s rejection and the failure of my ideal of therapy as my “savior”. Not that I knew that very well at the time. And I still think that for therapists to take on clients like me, with potential time bombs that clients are not rationally aware of, and then dump us, re-enacting rejection from childhood, is horrendous. But that’s another story, one that I have told some about in the Psychotherapy forum.

The fact is the (memory of) feelings from childhood HAVE emerged, and I have dealt with them on my own – with the help of PsychCentral and an in-person support group. Though often I have felt that I could not deal with them, plus I am so old (73) so what’s the point of doing all this now? But life is what it is and I am still living, so it keeps pushing forward.

After my late husband died, and I was depressed and not getting better, I thought rationally – and still do – that I was of no use to myself and my adult children and so it would be better if I just took myself out. But also I understood that “they say” it hurts those who remain and so, even if it were for the best, my children were unlikely to understand that and, hence, would feel hurt and, so, that was a factor that needed to be considered, too. Also, I could not rationally be 100% sure that my rational conclusion was accurate – although, as of now, I am no “better” and the conclusion still seems to be valid.

Several years ago my son encouraged me to move across the country, to be near him and his family including two young children. That seemed like a good possibility, so almost two years ago I did. But it appears now that the limitations of my depression and personality are now draining on him. Also, it may be that the idea – dream or fantasy – of me moving here was mainly his wife’s. She didn’t know me that well and my son had lived apart from me for awhile. So they didn’t really know. Neither of course did I. I have tried my best within my limitations, but still. . .

I could possibly move back to where I came from, which still seems like home even though I sold the house which was too big anyway. But the landscape and countryside here just feels foreign, and I still have some fairly good friends from a support group where I came from.

Nevertheless – the only real reason that I have to keep on keeping on at this point is that I feel my “mental health” journey has been so misunderstood and even made worse by the professionals trying to “help” that I would like to get my story out there – IF anybody was interested, which at this point I don’t see where that might be. Plus – the limitations which are still there again -- I don’t know if the way I would try to present things or tell the story would appeal to anybody. ☹ Except maybe, sometimes, people who have had similar experiences.

I have thought that if I could get “well” then I could relate the story to others, perhaps even some in the profession, who might start to see how to make things better for people with conditions like I had when I first entered therapy over 50 years ago.

But time is getting short on that possibility. And I’m starting to get some health conditions that take my time and energy – and have no one to help with that – because of being so draining on people, again. Including, I fear, doctors.

Any thoughts, suggestions, or feedback?
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Yaowen
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Default Jan 06, 2021 at 01:12 AM
  #2
Dear here today,

I hope you will keep posting. Your story is very interesting to me. Although we are very different, reading your account helps me on a very visceral level with my own struggles, sorrow and grief. If I had the knowledge, experience and insight to be helpful to you, I certainly would, but I really lack that kind of wisdom. My English is not very good but I think I understood you to say that these Forums have helped you a bit. Am I mistaken? Sometimes one wants to say something helpful to someone else but the ideas and words are just not there. I really hope that somehow . . . someway . . . that your situation improves. You have been through so much in your long life and I think you have a lot of share.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Jan 08, 2021 at 05:32 PM
  #3
I'm sorry you are feeling desperate and at dead ends. I read your post through till the end. It's hard when there are physical problems --health conditions--as you put it, that are also draining on a person. If I got the gist of your story, you sometimes feel like you might just not want to be here anymore. You've probably been told a million times that THAT isn't the answer. And I truly believe it isn't. I've attempted a few times and always lived through it and now I feel like there was a reason for that. You said something about it being draining on your son. Do you get any pleasure out of the interaction? What about with your grands? Yeah living with mental illness is draining and it can be draining on other people but it doesn't mean that they don't love you or appreciate you or want you around. I know. Both as a person with mental illness and as a daughter of a person with mental illness. You said you have some friends from a support group. Can you still be in touch with them? Friendship do a lot to bolster us when we are falling. Anyway, you were heard. I hear you. And I empathize with you. HUGS Kit

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Default Jan 12, 2021 at 09:14 PM
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I hope you keep posting. Hugs

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Default Jan 21, 2021 at 01:34 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by here today View Post
I’m not sure that this post fits in this category, but it seems the best I can find.

I’m feeling kind of at dead ends and desperate at the moment.

I’ve been around PsychCentral for awhile, dealing originally with issues in my life and in my past, but in the last several years I have posted a lot about the failure of therapy in general, and my last therapist in particular, to help. I’ve posted a lot in the Psychotherapy forum and some in the Personaltity Place forum several years ago. CPTSD wasn’t around as diagnosis when I was in therapy much, although it was starting to be discussed 10 years ago and the last therapist mentioned it as a possibility. And I think it probably fits.

When the last therapist terminated me, after 6 years, saying that she didn’t “have the emotional resources” to continue, that was devastating. I had been depending, not so much on the therapist herself, but on therapy generally to help. She was well-qualified, had diagnosed some conditions other therapists hadn’t. I thought those diagnoses made sense, and if they had gone undiagnosed that was a reason that previous therapists hadn’t worked out or helped much.

So, my dependence on that therapist/therapy-in-general and her rejection of me because I was too much for her emotional resources was -- horrendous. Likely a reenactment of situations from childhood which then triggered feelings which, despite the years of therapy, had remained buried/dissociated and unfelt.

Initially I wasn’t feeling the feelings from the past, though, just the ones associated with the therapist’s rejection and the failure of my ideal of therapy as my “savior”. Not that I knew that very well at the time. And I still think that for therapists to take on clients like me, with potential time bombs that clients are not rationally aware of, and then dump us, re-enacting rejection from childhood, is horrendous. But that’s another story, one that I have told some about in the Psychotherapy forum.

The fact is the (memory of) feelings from childhood HAVE emerged, and I have dealt with them on my own – with the help of PsychCentral and an in-person support group. Though often I have felt that I could not deal with them, plus I am so old (73) so what’s the point of doing all this now? But life is what it is and I am still living, so it keeps pushing forward.

After my late husband died, and I was depressed and not getting better, I thought rationally – and still do – that I was of no use to myself and my adult children and so it would be better if I just took myself out. But also I understood that “they say” it hurts those who remain and so, even if it were for the best, my children were unlikely to understand that and, hence, would feel hurt and, so, that was a factor that needed to be considered, too. Also, I could not rationally be 100% sure that my rational conclusion was accurate – although, as of now, I am no “better” and the conclusion still seems to be valid.

Several years ago my son encouraged me to move across the country, to be near him and his family including two young children. That seemed like a good possibility, so almost two years ago I did. But it appears now that the limitations of my depression and personality are now draining on him. Also, it may be that the idea – dream or fantasy – of me moving here was mainly his wife’s. She didn’t know me that well and my son had lived apart from me for awhile. So they didn’t really know. Neither of course did I. I have tried my best within my limitations, but still. . .

I could possibly move back to where I came from, which still seems like home even though I sold the house which was too big anyway. But the landscape and countryside here just feels foreign, and I still have some fairly good friends from a support group where I came from.

Nevertheless – the only real reason that I have to keep on keeping on at this point is that I feel my “mental health” journey has been so misunderstood and even made worse by the professionals trying to “help” that I would like to get my story out there – IF anybody was interested, which at this point I don’t see where that might be. Plus – the limitations which are still there again -- I don’t know if the way I would try to present things or tell the story would appeal to anybody. ☹ Except maybe, sometimes, people who have had similar experiences.

I have thought that if I could get “well” then I could relate the story to others, perhaps even some in the profession, who might start to see how to make things better for people with conditions like I had when I first entered therapy over 50 years ago.

But time is getting short on that possibility. And I’m starting to get some health conditions that take my time and energy – and have no one to help with that – because of being so draining on people, again. Including, I fear, doctors.

Any thoughts, suggestions, or feedback?
Sorry you are going through this. Is it possible to look into retirement living such as retirement housing where other widows and older couples live in a retirement community with opportunities for socializing with other widows even if it socially distanced. If you can live close to family too then all the better and when you make new friends then perhaps they could recommend a good medical provider. Good luck to you.
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