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Angry Jan 18, 2021 at 12:17 PM
  #1
And I was overwhelmed with feelings of love, grief and missing him

He died twenty-five+ years ago, at the age of 50, after a sudden heart attack. In spite of spending most of my life terrified of him and his violent temper, it was extremely hard to recover from his death (I'm sure this is common). He was such a huge figure. My whole personality developed around him, in a way (I should say 'deformed around him').

During my childhood, I wished him dead so many times. I'd listen to his car pulling out of the drive, and wish / pray for him to have a crash!

And yet, after he'd gone, I grieved so badly that I didn't want to live!

Well, I've had a pretty dysfunctional life since then. I get triggered horribly when faced with aggressive people in a position of power. But I've met some loving people, and feel that I've been very fortunate in many ways (finding this forum when I was at one of my lowest points, being able to tolerate an anti-depressant, which some dear friends here can't ).

I've put the eating disorders behind me (one can never say never with compulsions like that, but I am as recovered as it is possible to be).

Do you think this resurgence of grief and love for my dad is a good thing? For so long, I've kept good memories of him at arm's length. Or, is it a form of denial?
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 02:15 PM
  #2
I think it might be a variation of a “complicated grief”.

You are grieving yet you have many bad memories and maybe had a sense of relief when he died, and now guilt of feeling relief brings even more intense grief. And it mixes with good memories and it’s kind of normal in that situation. That’s my take on it.

My stepkids lost their abusive mother last year, one had no relationship with her (for a good reason)and the other only occasional communication, they were very torn between grieving and relief that life long source of stress dealing with her is gone. They both shared that they didn’t know how to feel. Their life is so much better now yet she was their mother and they did have some good memories. So they had very conflicting feelings at first.

I apologize if I am not helpful
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 02:35 PM
  #3
I don't know if my response will be helpful and I apologize if it isn't. I lost my Grandpa almost 8 years ago and I have simailar feelings like guilt, sadness. Grandpa was my abuser and I have this love/hate thing going on inside. I also wished he died when he was alive. I numbed my pain with alcohol til 3 years ago and I did not grief.


I think it's hard to grief when it's so complex. I hope you can find some help through this Hugs
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 08:00 PM
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((((( Purple )))))

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Trig Jan 18, 2021 at 08:02 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I think it might be a variation of a “complicated grief”.

You are grieving yet you have many bad memories and maybe had a sense of relief when he died, and now guilt of feeling relief brings even more intense grief. And it mixes with good memories and it’s kind of normal in that situation. That’s my take on it.

My stepkids lost their abusive mother last year, one had no relationship with her (for a good reason)and the other only occasional communication, they were very torn between grieving and relief that life long source of stress dealing with her is gone. They both shared that they didn’t know how to feel. Their life is so much better now yet she was their mother and they did have some good memories. So they had very conflicting feelings at first.

I apologize if I am not helpful
Thank you, Divine. That's really helpful to have another phrase (complicated grief) to help me understand

I'm sorry your stepkids are going through it Poor things. Yes, relief, of course How lucky they are to have a wise, caring person like you

I felt that I'd somewhat moved onto 'forgiveness' with my own dad.

When I was in my early 30's, I had a vivid dream in which he and I were trying to stay afloat in a cold, dark sea (sorry if this triggers anyone). He was going down, and I was trying to hold him up. His face was right in front of mine. And (in the dream), I realised that I would have done anything (even give my own life) to save him

That was a cathartic moment, for me. I'd been furiously angry with the man for a long time. But the dream allowed me to settle in my own mind the real truth of the matter; I did not want to kill him. I loved him. And, as I said - I chose to at least try and move towards forgiveness.

So, it's come as a surprise to find myself missing him so much. Birthdays can do that, can't they? It's as though you've bumped into that person on the street, and can suddenly see and feel them again, and you worry that you haven't bought them a birthday card, or called them for ages, and that they might not have enough money to get by
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 08:19 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Cheryl27 View Post
I don't know if my response will be helpful and I apologize if it isn't. I lost my Grandpa almost 8 years ago and I have simailar feelings like guilt, sadness. Grandpa was my abuser and I have this love/hate thing going on inside. I also wished he died when he was alive. I numbed my pain with alcohol til 3 years ago and I did not grief.


I think it's hard to grief when it's so complex. I hope you can find some help through this Hugs
Thanks, Cheryl So sorry to hear that. I'm not surprised you numbed yourself that way. We have to do something

It does really help, talking to people who understand

When the caregiver is the abuser, it's hard to describe the terror this causes in a child And the lengths they'll go to in order to stay alive. We stretch ourselves into the craziest shapes in order to exert some kind of control over the situation, and prevent another attack

Meanwhile, we are not developing properly as children. Not trying things out. Not making mistakes. Not giving attention to our own needs
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 08:22 PM
  #7
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((((( Purple )))))
Thank you so much, Fuzzy

Thank you for caring

You've been such a huge help to me over the years
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 08:24 PM
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Thank you, Divine. That's really helpful to have another phrase (complicated grief) to help me understand

I'm sorry your stepkids are going through it Poor things. Yes, relief, of course How lucky they are to have a wise, caring person like you

I felt that I'd somewhat moved onto 'forgiveness' with my own dad.

When I was in my early 30's, I had a vivid dream in which he and I were trying to stay afloat in a cold, dark sea (sorry if this triggers anyone). He was going down, and I was trying to hold him up. His face was right in front of mine. And (in the dream), I realised that I would have done anything (even give my own life) to save him

That was a cathartic moment, for me. I'd been furiously angry with the man for a long time. But the dream allowed me to settle in my own mind the real truth of the matter; I did not want to kill him. I loved him. And, as I said - I chose to at least try and move towards forgiveness.

So, it's come as a surprise to find myself missing him so much. Birthdays can do that, can't they? It's as though you've bumped into that person on the street, and can suddenly see and feel them again, and you worry that you haven't bought them a birthday card, or called them for ages, and that they might not have enough money to get by


Birthdays are hard aren’t they. They could be triggering. Moving towards forgiveness is wise. Sometimes forgiveness isn’t possible. I try radical acceptance. Cant change what happened. It is what it is kind of thing. Cant always forgive but don’t have to agonize as it cannot be changed.

PS thank you for kind words. My stepdaughters are adults now, they both endured a lot along with their dad, my husband. Even after her death, bad things linger. Right now we are finding out she used OUR address two hours away from where she lived or was homeless at to apply for things and stuff. Long story. Still I am respectful as she is their mother. When they vent, I listen but I told them I personally can’t speak poorly of her to them. Not my place. They get it.

I send you hugs and support
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 08:33 PM
  #9
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Birthdays are hard aren’t they. They could be triggering. Moving towards forgiveness is wise. Sometimes forgiveness isn’t possible. I try radical acceptance. Cant change what happened. It is what it is kind of thing. Cant always forgive but don’t have to agonize as it cannot be changed.

PS thank you for kind words. My stepdaughters are adults now, they both endured a lot along with their dad, my husband. Even after her death, bad things linger. Right now we are finding out she used OUR address two hours away from where she lived or was homeless at to apply for things and stuff. Long story. Still I am respectful as she is their mother. When they vent, I listen but I told them I personally can’t speak poorly of her to them. Not my place. They get it.

I send you hugs and support
You're clearly handling that very tricky situation beautifully

Thanks so much for the support and hugs.
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Default Jan 19, 2021 at 02:25 AM
  #10
Often what the grief is about is once someone is gone there is no more chance for that person to finally say they are sorry and that you did not deserve to be treated the way you were treated. Sometimes, the grief is more about wanting to be able to love the person, but the person is not receptive and once they are gone there is no chance of that desired connection to ever really happen. Sometimes the desire is so great that you would give up your own life just to finally experience it (this is emotional not rational). I think that is what your dream is conveying.

Even though it's been so many years, the fact that you have more life experience and have matured into adulthood, that desire never went away. Sometimes it's a question of "now that I am older could I say it better than when I was younger".

Often, a person doesn't really change and are not receptive no matter how old a child gets. It was never you or your worthiness, it was more than likely something he was never capable of giving to anyone.
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Default Jan 19, 2021 at 06:13 AM
  #11
I think the grief may be.....for the parent we never had.
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Default Jan 19, 2021 at 09:55 AM
  #12
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Often what the grief is about is once someone is gone there is no more chance for that person to finally say they are sorry and that you did not deserve to be treated the way you were treated. Sometimes, the grief is more about wanting to be able to love the person, but the person is not receptive and once they are gone there is no chance of that desired connection to ever really happen. Sometimes the desire is so great that you would give up your own life just to finally experience it (this is emotional not rational). I think that is what your dream is conveying.

Even though it's been so many years, the fact that you have more life experience and have matured into adulthood, that desire never went away. Sometimes it's a question of "now that I am older could I say it better than when I was younger".

Often, a person doesn't really change and are not receptive no matter how old a child gets. It was never you or your worthiness, it was more than likely something he was never capable of giving to anyone.
I appreciate you input, Open Eyes

That's another interesting way of looking at it.

I hadn't considered myself as someone who longs for an apology from my dad. Or to have had a closer connection to him when he was alive. That does describe my older brother, though, who wasn't speaking to my dad when he died. But your words hit hard when I read them, so there must be something in that.

''A person doesn't really change, and are not receptive no matter how old a child gets''

I really hadn't considered this before!

In my situation, I perhaps longed not for a closer connection with my dad, but a safer one. I hate the phrase 'Daddy's girl', but that's what I was. We were an extremely loving family, considering how dysfunctional one of our parents was. We really loved and liked each other!

Thanks again
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Default Jan 19, 2021 at 07:57 PM
  #13
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I think the grief may be.....for the parent we never had.
Thank you, Marie123. Sorry I took a while to reply. It's been a bit of an upsetting thread

That's very true and profound
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