It was my late (violent) father's birthday recently

And I was overwhelmed with feelings of love, grief and missing him

He died twenty-five+ years ago, at the age of 50, after a sudden heart attack. In spite of spending most of my life terrified of him and his violent temper, it was extremely hard to recover from his death (I'm sure this is common). He was such a huge figure. My whole personality developed around him, in a way (I should say 'deformed around him').

During my childhood, I wished him dead so many times. I'd listen to his car pulling out of the drive, and wish / pray for him to have a crash!

And yet, after he'd gone, I grieved so badly that I didn't want to live!

Well, I've had a pretty dysfunctional life since then. I get triggered horribly when faced with aggressive people in a position of power. But I've met some loving people, and feel that I've been very fortunate in many ways (finding this forum when I was at one of my lowest points, being able to tolerate an anti-depressant, which some dear friends here can't ).

I've put the eating disorders behind me (one can never say never with compulsions like that, but I am as recovered as it is possible to be).

Do you think this resurgence of grief and love for my dad is a good thing? For so long, I've kept good memories of him at arm's length. Or, is it a form of denial?