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shaking
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Trig Jan 25, 2021 at 03:37 PM
  #1
My self destructive behavior is a way of coping with cptsd, especially due to emasculation. I always had an effeminate face and small stature, which led me to be bullied, in addition to my trauma out of school. My family was never home because they had to work long hours. I always roamed outside, and some adults took advantage of that.

I had a rough life and always had cptsd because of trauma. During college, flashbacks started to come back to me everyday so I couldn't think properly. I had panic attacks thinking about my memories. I had to drop out of school and supported myself with a retail job.

I started to indulge in a crossdressing fetish. If it matters, I'm heterosexual.
I am not transgender or a typical crossdresser. I researched enough about the topic and talked to many of them, and we are completely different. I started crossdressing for empowerment., because I have trauma from being emasculated. I hated crossdressing though. I would feel terrible for hours, humiliated and angry from staring in the mirror. I also caused physical pain to myself in sexual ways. I tried to hurt myself as much as possible without causing permanent damage. Every time I would break down and cry. There would be a moment of euphoric high from this pain, lasting seconds to minutes. The high was so addicting that I did whatever I could to increase it. My mind always created ways for me to go through more pain, without permanently damaging my body.

Recently, sexual fantasies of me suffering led my life to change. I got caught stealing from my employers, got fired, have a huge settlement to pay, and it's difficult me to get a job now. I actually planned this deep inside, because I knew I could work as a trans escort. I've been involved in sex work for a about a year. I also work as a camgirl. While I fantasized about being an escort to get hurt more and degraded, ironically the men treated me well. Being an escort was much more pleasant than how I was treated in the past. I didn't find the mistreatment I was hoping for, unless I looked for it. But the fact that I went from a good college student to a self-destructive sex addict gave me the most intense euphoria ever when I looked in the mirror. I became more addicted to physical and psychological pain to increase the temporary euphoria.

The problem is I end up crying for hours everyday because I still hate seeing myself dressed as a woman. When I look at myself and I realize how bad my life has become. I have an urge to punish myself more. My sexual fantasies became even more dangerous. My ultimate fantasy was to become a completely mentally broken person. The type that always shivers from being scared. Because this feels so sexually satisfying to imagine myself like this, all of the decisions I make move me closer to this fate. I planned exactly how this will happen. I'm almost there.

I tried some therapists but they were no help. I know some parts of my post might feel like something's missing. I could have wrote pages more, but just wanted to give a short summary. If anything doesn't make sense, I'm willing to confirm the details. I'd appreciate any help!!!

Last edited by bluekoi; Jan 29, 2021 at 12:13 AM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 11:36 PM
  #2
I know you said you have tried therapy and it was no help but have you tried a therapist that specifically deals with trauma? Not all therapists are equal and some have things that they focus on more such as a sex therapist or a trauma therapist.

I wish I had something more to offer in the way of suggestions. I'm truly sorry you are in so much pain and such a self destructive cycle

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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 07:29 AM
  #3
I would interview some therapists and tell them what you are dealing with, as the previous poster said, "not all therapists are equal, etc. You need to find a therapist who understands your issues. Don't give up!
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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 11:18 PM
  #4
@Raindropvampire, @Marie123

Thanks for the support! That's true, I should look harder for therapists. I recently messaged those in my area, and hopefully some are good.
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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 06:09 AM
  #5
Make yourself #1 and do better self care. You should keep looking for a therapist, and give it a chance. But, with or without one, you need to pull yourself up. That’s how I’ve found things to be IME. I’m sorry for what you have gone through.

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Default Jan 31, 2021 at 11:10 AM
  #6
This sounds like a need to repeat your trauma. Something like a girl who grew up in an abusive household finds a man who beats her.

I'd definitely recommend looking for a good trauma focused therapist and working on your self worth. What you're doing is a cry for help. Why do you fantasie about being completely mentally broken? Because you crave help and need someone to be with you. So you actually don't crave being broken, you crave the help and support you deserve. Please try to find someone who can provide that for you.

I truly wish you all the best and I understand you. I'm not exactly the same, things manifest differently in me, but my thought process can be very similar to yours. Good luck!

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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 04:59 PM
  #7
I hope you can find a trauma therapist who understands and can help you. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I hope you know that you are very brave in sharing this
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 05:39 PM
  #8
What I found is to be a ray of hope for you is that you acknowledge your ways are self destructive. You cry for help.I don't know how to help you.But I am confident you can pull yourself out of this with good help.I am sorry for what you are going through and hope you feel better soon.Hugs.
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