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96reppirtyad
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Member Since: Apr 2020
Location: the desert, U.S.
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Confused May 21, 2021 at 04:04 PM
  #1
The shame and guilt and inadequacy and hopelessness I’ve carried around for so so long is exhausting. I tell myself what my mom always told us, that others have it worse and I should be grateful (I am grateful, especially after seeing more of the world... horrific things. I am grateful.) It doesn’t help though.
i Finally got with a therapist that recognized the trauma and now I know that there’s nothing wrong with me per se, I was just being traumatized and left dangling without consistent or true support. The main person in my life that caused so much pain was my mom’s fiancée for eight years. I convinced my mom to move across the country to escape the situation because I couldn’t take it anymore. I slept a lot, harmed myself a lot, cried a lot, smoked a lot, raged a lot.
My therapist illustrated the internal struggle as adult me trying to reason with the younger self that is angry and confused and hurt. She said I should try and take care of myself and give myself the comfort I had needed when I’m upset. She says reaching out is good too and I’ve been told that before but it’s just so hard to open up. Attempting to explain my feelings as a child was not encouraged and I learned at an early age to keep things to myself to not make anyone feel bad (that worked, haha). Doing good for others was drilled into my sisters and me, even though we saw our mother suffer because she gave too much of herself for others to turn their back when she needed it. She gave of herself when she couldn’t even support us... i learned a lot. my sisters left our mom’s early in hs and i stayed.
Anyone else who has difficult controlling their emotions (especially Anger...), how do you deescalate the situation? I say and do destructive things when upset and always end up feeling horrible and crying after I stop being so angry. I prioritize others to a point where i get angry because i don’t have boundaries and screw myself over constantly, and i suspect subconsciously on purpose sometimes too.
Little things tick me off to the point of harming myself and thinking about hurting others. I’m just so tired of not being able to defend myself (was told to “be the bigger person” when berated by mom’s ex-fiancée and watched him abuse my mom and sisters..,, be the bigger person meant keep your mouth shut.) I can’t even stand up to my mom’s current boyfriend and had a literal meltdown after a bad day at work coming home to him at our house. Thankfully my mom said he won’t come over anymore. He verbally harassed and physically assaulted my mom several times, twice in public, so I don’t like him. :|
the violent thoughts have been a constant for YEARS.... started to threaten harm to mom’s boyfriends but never to their face because my upbringing kicks in and tells me to be respectful, Ugh.

I talk about the same things over and over because I just can’t let go. That’s all there is to me. My boyfriend (1 year, first serious relationship) said he knows about me but doesn’t feel like he Knows me, if that makes sense. People haven’t been trustworthy so I don’t like others lol. Flip flops between they’re great and awesome and so incredible! to they don’t care and i don’t care and they never liked me.

This is all mixed up and I’m sorry but

TL;DR — I’m tired of feeling like crap even though I know how good I have it. Being alone seems like the answer but i never know what to do. Tired. How do you deal with the emotional rollercoaster every day???? my coping mechanisms aren’t healthy nor consistently helpful. trying though.

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Default May 22, 2021 at 12:46 AM
  #2
Hey, DBT has helped me. Although there isn't the full 2 year program where I live in my country, I found it helpful to slowly help me reduce my self harm as my therapist and I worked on the complex trauma.

Gratitude can't be forced, it just loads shame onto you. Don't force yourself, it's ok if you have nothing you feel grateful for right now.
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