I Think my Therapists Got it Right

I am 53, and these are the things I have had to deal with, so my therapists just may be right.

-Brought to the US at the age of Six (Most of that time had been spent in Germany and the UK

-Mum and Dad in a constant cage match to the death (I ended up with my dad)

-Dad moved had us a new house built right next to two professional people that made my next 8 years a CSA catastrophe. He was away a great deal, VHS technology was a big thing, so most can put those two together.

-Mum's half family came to this area because she did, they are much akin to throwing sodium metal in water. Except I think they are a bit more explosive.

-I was skipped through two grades of school, so I don't think that was great.

- Lost one of my best friends when I was 17, he was 19, to a heart defect.

-I joined the army after graduating college the first time. I saw three live combat rounds as a Ranger, did one year with UN peacekeeping force, final two I was in Rhode Island for strategic planning.

-Got out went to school again, met a woman in Illinois, we were married for almost 3 years and I had a young son. A drunken driver crossed the tollway, they didn't make it.

-I was not the greatest husband, I had sexual orientation problems that I think stemmed from the CSA. Who Knows? I never cheated I just aways felt inadequate.

-Lost many people I grew up with as they committed suicide outright, or had drug overdoses. Another leftover from the CSA, the gift that keeps on giving.

-Lost dad 11 years ago, and mum about 2 and a half. Most all of dad's family is gone.

-At the age of 45 I was diagnosed with stage 3B NSCLC lung cancer because idiot primary care doctor, apparently forgot how to work his X-Ray Machine. So, he proceeded to give me all kinds of Fentanyl, I never became addicted, don't seem to be susceptible to that.

-Had my entire right lung and 10 tainted lymph nodes removed. 8 treatments of chemotherapy, and 36 targeted gamma radiation exposures for treatment and somehow survived, this was 8 years ago.

-A year and a half ago, a CT screening found it had returned in my other lung. Now it is Stage 4 and in three organ systems. According to what my primary Oncologist told me, I should have died about a year ago. But apparently I have to stay for more crap.

Those are pretty much the highlights, well one might add my psychiatrist, who thinks she is a superhero, Dr. Xanax, Master of the Comatose State. She has me on 12mg of that crap a day. I have 100mg Morphine SR, and 30/650 Percocet. Wake up and according to how much pain you are in, that's what you take. I have a grand mal seizure disorder, from a heat stroke (Go Army!) the only thing that seems to work is 97.2mb of Phenobarbital twice a day. A Primary Oncologist and a Pain Specialist handle that, I am on three different kinds of antidepressants. In case I may form a cogent independent thought, the mystery of the comatose state, also throws Hydroxyzine Hcl 50mg 4 times a day at me. I am on so much medicine it is amazing that doesn't do me in.

So, those are the high points, and I must ask if anyone will bother to answer. Do you think diagnosing me with C-PTSD was accurate? I am an M.D. and I think they might have got that one right. I also developed a Fib from exposure to something in a lab but it is controlled with a beta blocker. I was afraid to let them try to shock me back into rhythm, as I was afraid that darn machine might blow up! I am sorry for the long post, I am just to frustrate, fighting pain and malaise, when you are terminally ill people tend to distance themselves from you. I think I might call my primary Oncologist again today so that he can consult his magic 8 ball and tell me again when I will finally stop breathing. I am so tired, and bored and alone.

I entertain myself with Britbox, YouTube (car chases, car crashes, and female DUI's ["but what did i doooo-uh?! I dint do nuthin'!"] and the occasional Bat Man movie. And DryBar comedy (on youtube). How can you be bored? You have literally the entire world at your literal fingertips. Also you could join a group to debate / discuss the use of the word "literal". And whether the preceding period should be inside or outside the quotes.

For what it matters, yeah I think she’s right. Una is right, you’ve got a whole world at your fingertips. I just got a gift of Roku from my daughter and son in law along with the passwords to several streaming sites. My back prevents me from doing what I dreamed of doing, traveling. So I pass my time with many shows. Back before my surgery when I was on the same pain meds plus fentanyl I couldn’t sleep for nothing and got into the whole game of thrones genre. There’s a ton of sites for that too.

So sorry to hear about your struggles. My dad was discovered to have cancer when they did the autopsy on him (he died due to refusing to vaccinate against COVID-19) so I can only imagine how it must be for you.

I'd put CSA as C-PTSD, especially if it was in your developmental years which it seems it has been. I also have a history of (C)SA and C-PTSD, amongst other things.

I don't know how it is to be terminally ill, so I hope you are living every minute of your life you still have left. Judging by the picture, you do have some company. I hope you can find a support network for connecting with people (be it just doing it here on the forum, or in real life).

Those things can certainly lead to CPTSD. Not that they have to. But they can and many times do if the person doesn't have any sort of outside supports like a teacher, coach, other family member, friend/friend's parents, or what have you (they say the reason some people develop PTSD and some don't from the same traumatic event is the reaction and support they receive during/after the trauma.)

If you have the symptoms of CPTSD and your therapist says you have it, I'd trust that.

Wish I could help you solve/accept/tolerate boredom, loneliness, and tiredness. You have access to the internet clearly, maybe find a group you can chat with through zoom or some platform that uses text if you don't have a webcam? Or maybe try and get an emotional support or service animal if that's financially feasible?