cptsdvictim's journal

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday. Unsure whether to call her. I'm tending with not to, though, yeah, I'm unsure.

Good morning. I decided that I'll call my mother after lunch to wish her happy birthday. I'll keep it short, saying I can't stay on the phone. This should mitigate the abuse.

Trauma and the Eyes - YouTube

I'm totally the TMJ type of guy

Oh my gosh. I'm a "veteran" member now. So cool!

This video made me change my mind about calling my mother to wish her happy birthday. I'll delete the yearly reminder from my calendar.

She's now 67 years old. Plenty of time left for her. 😂😅 But in all seriousness, I won't be free, truly, until she's gone and to a lesser extent, my brother.

Just finished lunch. If the day wasn't complete, I had to run into an abuser. It's just sad and tragic and to experience it on a personal level is unbearable. A vicious cycle where 80% of people have an insecure type of attachment which means abuse, neglect and/or abandonment is normalized. This also means a society who doesn't elect politicians that adopt a zero tolerance approach to such individuals. Instead, they elect people in power who are predatory, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and dark triads (and if not matching any of these categories, then people who are, as I said, abusive, neglectful and/or abandoning). What would've been the opposite? Leaders who enforce policies where emotional intelligence, complex trauma combative actions and resilience is embodied. In schools, workplaces, relationships and wherever there's human interaction. Alas, just as Judith Herman pointed out, Freud knew of the prevalence of abuse since his century, though, afraid to loose his clients, he suppressed his knowledge when realized abuse is in all social strata. We're rediscovering now what he discovered with an even more whole picture of what happens to a person experiencing trauma. And, as a victim, if I had had an adult in my life to connect, nurture and protect me as a child I'd have learned how to respond to abusive people like the one I've met today.

On the positive side, a girl that made herself vulnerable with me (a sign she likes me) when she first saw me and served me, served me this time. She recognized me. It's nice to see authentic, vulnerable people. Of course, as a sociopath, I simply remained straightforward and stoic. I like her, but I know I wouldn't do her justice should I be in a relationship with her. So, our roads only intersect here, on Sundays, whenever it's her turn to serve people and I happen to be served by her.

Another plus is that the cashier told me he hasn't seen me in a long time. At first, I didn't understand him, replying "I've a loyalty card" 😂😅 But resumed gently, upon seeing his reaction and asked "is this what you asked?". Upon hearing what he actually said, I replied "I come here every Sunday". I probably didn't hear what he said because I dissociate and/or as a protective measure of anxiety that keeps me back from turning violent to people (as a sociopath). 🤷🏻*♂️

I wonder what his ACE score is (mine is 7), though I also sense these might all have been just episodes not necessarily caused by childhood trauma but by the accumulation of factors. He sounds developmentally in one piece, despite of, and not to lessen the impact and importance of, his episodes.

If you liked his telling of Lincoln's story as a young man and his grappling with depression and how the community cared for him, and wondering why we don't have that anymore, let me tell you how we can have that sense of community again: by becoming complex trauma informed.

C-PTSD is not in the DSM also because, besides, as BVDK made it public, the big pharma and insurance companies are against it, people cannot bear the fact that care givers/acquaintances abuse, neglect and/or abandon children so they repress it, deny it, or enable the perpetrators in order to keep true (in their own mind) that they've a loving family which enables abuse to continue and also to be passed down generationally.

I've said, earlier, that

Of course, it would've been impossible because of the C-PTSD inflicted nationwide due to communism. Who let it happen? The West. Starting with de Gaulle.

Anyways, I guess that's when the West reached its limits as they divided Europe between the Allied forces and the USSR. So when you hear politicians say "We can do anything as Americans when we're united" it's really saying "[...] in this part of the world". Post World War II, in Europe, the world got smaller for the democratic forces on this planet. Likewise when Vietnam fell to the communists. Understandably as one doesn't want loss of life but let's also not support communists regimes in order to have them collapse. The sooner, the better. Then, financially outrun the communists by supporting the democratic forces. You've to understand, a country that has C-PTSD nationwide, after it has been run into ruin, cannot redress on its own to democracy. Otherwise, you simply have the communists at power in the weak democratic country: they may combat corruption by having the communists and corrupts who fell out of favor go to prison for 2-3 years while retaining their accumulated wealth after stealing, but you won't get that authentic change at the leadership level of having that country be an economy of producing (with as little waste as possible) instead of just consuming and borrowing. You've got to go that extra mile of administrating the region for generations to come, while training the new generations and empowering them to take over. I am, of course, talking about a federal EU.

Got 2h 35m before this awful day ends.