An old coping skill????

I'm not sure if this is an old coping skill or not, but how does one go about changing an emotion?

Specifically, when I feel hurt, I tend to lash out in anger. Is this a "fight or flight" response? I've tried to sit with it and figure out where the anger comes from, but I can't seem to get there from here.

I have become better at biting my tongue when I feel that flash of anger and trying so hard to express that my feelings were hurt, but I'm not always successful. When the anger erupts, I say things I don't mean and you know that once it's out of your mouth, there is no taking it back.

Then I wonder, did I just lash out to make the person "feel" my pain or was it a protection kind of thing to get them to back off.

I don't know, I just can't seem to get a handle on this one. Any thoughts, ideas from anyone would be appreciated.

Thanks!

sabby

Anger is a mask for hurt. Is it anger that's the problem or what you do with the anger that's the problem?

IMO I think we respond to things based on what we were given as examples growing up. For example in my home anger was handled in a very physical sense (breaking things, hitting, yelling etc..). Being a parent I have been pushed to my limits of patience and while I have never hit my children I have an understanding of how people can hurt their children in a fit of rage (if they don't have a plan or an escape).

It has taken mindfulness and planned responses for when an occasion arises (in order to not give into the rage). I find that if I don't have a plan then my anger can take over - fortunately however I have stopped myself and locked myself in a room and given myself a time out for a few minutes - LOL!!

IMO when we are stressed and have no patience we go back to the core root of how to react to things (a movie that plays in our head from what we witnessed growing up). - kind of like being on auto pilot. Sometimes I hear my mothers words come out of my mouth.

Good points!!

My problem is that when I get angry I can't speak....just the opposite as you sabby. I want to but I can't. Same thing when my feelings are hurt. And as geez said....I go back to my childhood where I was told things like "oh never-mind, it will be OK" "lets just find something else to do" ....always avoidance. Don't confront or deal...avoid.

I let things build until they are so bad that when I finally speak I cry. I wish I could just "discuss". Sometimes to avoid the tears I will actually email. Darn..........

I'm glad you've reached out to members here, I'm pretty sure something someone says will resonate and help you.

Since you can't find a base cause for your anger, I would agree that it may be an old coping skill.

Tough love response: anger is often rooted in selfishness. When things don't go the way we want, when people don't say or do things the way we think is best, anger can result.

Feeling out of control, fearful, or neglected can result in an angry response also.

I suspect that it isn't any one thing (well, for me, it rarely is) but each situation is a bit different from the next.

It's good that you recognize it. Yes, even "hearing your mother's words" is a good realization. Once you are at this point, you're close to gaining the upper hand, imo.

When you find you lash out in anger, try and counter it asap. Find some set phrases that suit you and say one to whomever you lashed out at ... "Oh I didn't mean to say that" or "I didn't want to be so angry" etc.

One tool I would give others in counseling for anger was to try and depict when they were becoming angry, and tell the person that, such as: "This situation is making me really angry." Try not to put it on the other person as in, "YOU are making me angry." If it feels like it's them, then try and focus it elsewhere, "What you are doing is making me angry." i.e.

Try and limit your exposure to things that feed frustration and anger. I, personally, have to limit my exposure to current news or the whole world seems out of control for me and I become quite upset, which can boil over to anyone around me. Though that hasn't happened in a very long time, I think it still could at times.

Depression also holds a component of anger, btw. But recognizing that it isn't a good coping mechanism is still the best first step. PTSD causes the anxiety that creates the frustrated, lashing out, behavior as well.

Feeling angry makes perfect sense.
What wouldn't make sense would be to feel happy when hurt.

Behaving aggressively even makes sense. It's a way of standing up for yourself, of 'fighting back', of retaliating or for protection to prevent further hurt.

It also makes sense, and feels much better, to be able to look at the 'hurt' more and see what that's about. When that's understood and action is needed, it can be assertive rather than aggressive. It becomes more about you and less about the other.

I have had the problem of not being able to speak when I'm with people I don't know well. I have always had difficulties with confrontations especially face to face (except with family and close friends). I have worked on that part of my problem and come a long way in doing better with being mindful and visualizing people in their undies that helps a lot! LOL

I do understand what you do and the crying and all. I have a daughter who cries when she is really angry too. And then that gets her even more angry at herself and it just becomes a vicious circle

Thank you for posting and sharing...I really appreciate it!

((((((((_sabby_))))))))

You are one of the most patient people I've come across so if someone makes you lash out they deserve it.

I close my eyes take deep deep breaths count to 5, hold it for 5 and then just let it release through the lips. That really takes me out of anger and places me in a place of relaxation and almost meditation. I know that I am not an angry person though at times I will push the envelope if I feel I am not being listened to or heard.

From experience I know that anger when used constructively does not actually lash out at all. When used to press a point instead of lashing out the actual anger is reduced to a point that brings a satsifaction in as much that the anger has been used, not let swing free indiscriminately.

Anger took me a number of years to master, but even now when I have pain, and I am crying I still have to ask myself "am I angry or is this sadness on steroids?" because at times when I hurt, I wonder, does it make me feel angry that someone felt they could simply do that to me?

I don't have the answers for you dear _sabby_ but I do have respect and care for you,

Rhiannon

I am also working to move on from old coping skills. It's not easy; my first reaction is still to at least consider using my old, ineffective, sometimes pretty primitive responses, which might have been at least somewhat socially acceptable when I was very young but don't serve me well now. I have Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder, both diagnosed only a couple of years ago, when I was already over 50. I have found some of the tools of Dialectical Behavior Therapy useful (although I've never received that treatment) -- especially stuff like mindfulness and grounding. I was very angry with my husband last week and managed to avoid lashing out at him by simply paying attention to my surroundings for a while until it seemed safe to talk. Specifically, I inventoried everything that was green as we drove somewhere ... I live in the Northwest, so there's plenty of green, and I wasn't driving, otherwise this might not have been the greatest idea. Another thing: sometimes I think about that old Barry Manilow song -- "Feelings, nothing more than feelings ..." and it helps me to remember that everything passes, even strong emotions. I'm glad you posted -- it helped me.

For me it depends on the situation. If I'm not stuffing my feelings then I deal with them by first taking a breather before I say something I'm going to regret. I will also say things like "I'm feeling angry right now and I would like to talk about this later....etc" - i try but on a rare occasion I throw all caution to the wind and I yell

Quote:

Originally Posted by _sabby_ And then, what about the times I don't feel it welling up and it just blindsides me?

I wish I had an answer for you on that one. I too have feelings in general blindside me so I can relate. I try to journal and process things a bit in my head before I say or do anything. For me many times what looks like an issue on the surface really isn't the actual issue but it's a symptom of another issue that goes deeper than the surface. Hope that makes sense?

LOL....gosh I hate this message - The following errors occurred with your submission: The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 8 characters.

I think you hit the nail on the head (((( Echoes )))). "It's a way of standing up for yourself, of 'fighting back', of retaliating or for protection to prevent further hurt." Wow, that statement has brought to light a childhood issue I had. I did not feel "heard" by my mom very often. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mom very much and I know she loved me, but she treated me differently than she treated my brother. There was a different bond between them, and you know, I get that as I had a closer bond with my dad than my brother did. But, it was my mom that I needed to "hear" me and very often, in her very logical talk, I felt invalidated. Over time, instead of just talking, I would yell and get angry thinking she would hear me then!!

Thank you ECHOES!!!! Now I am getting more understanding. So maybe in my response to (JD) I was a bit off....as I didn't have that realization quite yet. But, I can say this, I have worked through a lot of my anger issues over the years. This is the last bit of it that I've been having problems with figuring out. Still, I don't display or feel anger towards others that are not within my family or other loved ones.

More about me and less about the other.......definitely makes sense. Again, thank you so much! I really think I'm onto something here!

Thank you Rhiannon for your thoughts and care I have worked on my anger issues for a long long time. This is the last of the difficulties and I'm finding this the most frustrating for me. My family and close friends don't deserve me to spew off at the mouth when that "moment" hits. I don't do it often, and I am able to hold back a lot better than I could years ago.

I really appreciate you!


sabby

(((((( celli ))))) Thank you for responding and telling me of your journey with anger. I appreciate your thoughts and will take them to heart. Good for you for the mindfulness and grounding...I guess I will have to work more diligently on that aspect and see where it takes me


sabby

Thanks (((( geez ))))

It's definitely the blindsiding that is the hardest to deal with and then I just open mouth and out it all spews. As I continue to think on all of this and reread everyone's posts, I really am beginning to see where feeling like I wasn't heard as a child is ringing loud and clear right now. So, I guess what I need to do is work on that aspect of it, see if I can really get to the root of those feelings and work my way up

Take good care!

I know for me I cannot understand what I am feeling or why unless I first take the time to calm myself down. If I am feeling very impulsive, aggressive, or rageful I just can't sort out my thoughts. I use calming coping skills to help calm the emotions. Take a time out and leave the conversation or situation if it is possible. Then I will do something relaxing like exercise, a walk, a shower or bath, or listen to soothing music. I do try to use mindfulness while I do these things. That is pay attention to what I'm doing and not think about the situation that upsets me. It takes work, but after years of practice I usually can calm myself without lashing out at someone. If I still feel, after I have calmed down, that the reaction was significant then I can try to journal, talk to someone, or think and figure out what triggered the emotion and how to better cope with it next time. I just find it impossible to do ANYTHING productive when I am experiencing very strong emotion and I don't even try to do anything but calm myself unless I really have to. Even if that means going to the bathroom just to have 5 minutes alone!

((((sabby))))

I wish I dealt with anger period but at least it is starting to surface now. When it comes I tend to take it out on myself rather than anyone else. I have seen so much that anger can do to hurt others that I do not want to ever hurt anyone but would rather hurt myself.

I get scared and many times will shake with a feeling of being so cold from the inside. It hurts to shake so much and somehow the pain I try to get from the inside to the out but through myself. Anger scares me but I know that it comes from what I grew up in and what I saw anger do.

When I am angry at someone I tend to hold it in until it gets to be so much that I explode but I explode when I am alone and no one else is around. When I do get angry at say my friend, the guilt fills me and I feel so bad. I do not like to be angry for I think I wonder where it could lead.

I have started to journal and get it out there. I still have trouble showing anger although lately it seems I can slip up at times and then it makes me angry at myself for not hiding it better.

I am trying to understand the anger and as I am working through things I am finding it getting closer to the surface. I have found that I do get angry with those who abused me but still have a long way to go to express it. I think it comes from a childhood of fear around even having anger out a long allowing it to show. I wish somehow I could allow it to go where it needs to go.

I think we tend to lash out at those we feel safest with and those we know are not going to walk away or leave us. We know their love is unconditional and accepts us for who we are. Maybe I am not right but for me there was never anyone that cared out a long loved unconditionally but with conditions. The fact you never felt heard as a child would make sense and you know that your family and closest friends will nt leave you. And even though they do not deserve that it is still the safest place to let it go.

I wish you all the best as you search within to figure this out. It is hard when anger is not something you really know or you know and were never allowed to have. Hugs.

dps

From what I have studied about anger, that's what anger "is"; when we feel threatened/hurt, something is being taken from us, we feel anger. I don't think it's any different from getting angry at the doctors, a loved one, etc. when a loved one dies.

I've read that anger is a "secondary" emotion, comes on the heels of the hurt/threat feeling and I like that idea. I use the feeling of anger to work backwards to find out what hurts, where i feel "helpless" or hurt. My "favorite" is when I catch myself doing a road rage act; yelling at people or not letting them merge or trying to get in front of them, etc. I'm normally a pretty courteous driver (and had my grandmother's word for it if you don't believe :-) so when I get "edgy" on the road I immediately switch to search mode to find out what's "really" wrong.

I quit worrying about if I lashed out, apologize if I'm able (hard to do when you've just cut someone off on the road trying to get to an exit ramp :-) and look inside at what's going on with me elsewhere or, if the person is the "cause" (if they literally said/did something that hurt me) I still figure out what the "base" hurt is. Why does a particular name/set of words make me hurt; not all of them do or not even the same words at different times? If I can help myself with the base hurt then that usually keeps me from lashing in the future; I develop a "plan" and have a better response next time the same/similar situation happens.

I think it's kind of like a recurring dream though; if you don't figure out the "base" and how to deal with it better then it keeps popping up until you do. But there are going to be lots of different situations/anger(s) and I don't want to stop them before I feel them as they're like flags to tell me where I need to look inside myself and what I need to work on.

"assertive rather than aggressive" Nicely put ECHOES

Sabby quoted ECHOES...."I think you hit the nail on the head (((( Echoes )))). "It's a way of standing up for yourself, of 'fighting back', of retaliating or for protection to prevent further hurt." ....I agree, sabby.

There is so much in this thread I can relate to...it's making my head spin.

I think from reading this I can agree that what I am feeling most is fear, not so much anger. I get really angry with myself that I am still so affected by this current "trigger". It makes me feel week. I want to figure out how to defuse the trigger as Perna told me before but I often get caught by surprise so all the planning just goes out the window. For me right now it is a single situation but it all reverts back to the way I handle (or lack there of) difficult situations with people.

I dunno....this is going to take a lot of think and rethinking.....

i had a similiar problem with this. what i found worked well for me was if i let go and spouted out, i'd stop in midsentence and say, "i take that back." course the other person-my target-had no idea why i said that...doesn't matter anywhooo... it seemed to restructure my response to anger and rarely do i have to say "i take that back" anymore...my mind automatically stops the urge to lash out. then the new way of responding had to be formed. i found expressing my wants or needs seemed to work. sometimes tho i when i feel that anger rising i just look at the person. saying nothing.
i think we often are just seeking validation from the other person. usually i can quickly determine if that person would be receptive to how i feel. if they wouldn't get it anyway that's when i just don't say anything...it drives them crazy cause they are trying to get a response.
a thought, sabby: i ask myself how important is it? in the big scheme of life most stuff just isn't that important.

(((((((((( madisgram )))))))))))

Thank you for responding! I am working on this and trying to catch myself before words come spewing out of my mouth. So far, I'm doing a pretty good job but I'm not naive enough to think that at some point, I won't bite my tongue soon enough. I'll try to remember to say, "I take that back" and see how that does for me in moving forward! Wish me luck please

I wouldn't "take back" the words; you don't want them either I'd say something a bit more "positive" or forceful? "I'm sorry, I don't like that, let me try again." That involves the other person, apologizes and asks for their "agreement" and help in getting it "right"/better?