[RomanSunburn]

So, I know this seems to be a popular topic here in the emotions forum, but I'm really struggling with anger. My mother has always said I've always been an angry person. The problem is, I really just don't know how to deal with it. It usually happens to me late at night (not necessarily when I'm tired), and I'll just pick fights because I'm feeling hurt or abandoned. I know those feelings are completely in my head and not actually the result of something anyone has done, but for some reason, I cannot let go until I pick a fight. I know it's extremely unhealthy and damaging, but I just.. can't let go. I'm working on getting a therapist to help me work through these things, but until then, I was wondering what everyone does to deal with their anger, especially when it seems to be a product of their imagination or simply self-inflicted mind games.

[lynn P.]

I was surprised to hear Tom Bergeron(Funniest Home Videos etc.) admit he has an anger problem. He said the only thing that helped him was meditation. Since you admit this is centered from you, try to put a delay on your response. The old saying 'think before you talk or react' is golden advice.

You won't always be able to instantly meditate, but when you recognize the feelings....take a moment, don't say/do anything. Take some slow deep breaths and think it through....ask yourself "do I really think it's necessary to say/do this"?..."can this wait until I'm more calm"? There's free meditation exercises on the internet and they really help - when you're calm, you'll be able to handle everything better. Good luck.

[madisgram]

when i am angry i usually know why i feel that way. a way of coping with anger for me is to try to channel it into something positive...meaning not just letting it rip cause doing that for me is not accomplishing anything healthy in my life. anger is a secondary emotion that is usually fear based, a primary emotion. so i try to look at why i feel that way and think about constructive ways to express myself.
also if someone triggers anger in me i try to ask myself, how important is this? usually it's not that important in the big scheme of things and i can let it go. i do find that ppl are my biggest trigger for anger. don't want to avoid ppl so i have learned some ways to set boundaries in relationships. that works for me.
why do you feel hurt and abandoned?

[Lets Talk]

Originally Posted by madisgram

when i am angry i usually know why i feel that way. a way of coping with anger for me is to try to channel it into something positive...meaning not just letting it rip cause doing that for me is not accomplishing anything healthy in my life. anger is a secondary emotion that is usually fear based, a primary emotion. so i try to look at why i feel that way and think about constructive ways to express myself.
also if someone triggers anger in me i try to ask myself, how important is this? usually it's not that important in the big scheme of things and i can let it go. i do find that ppl are my biggest trigger for anger. don't want to avoid ppl so i have learned some ways to set boundaries in relationships. that works for me.
why do you feel hurt and abandoned?

I must say you ROCK! I have learned most of that through CBT...you're on the right track. Since I have a double diagnosis (bipolar and borderline) I struggle with anger ALOT. You are right when you said that anger stems from fear - the underlying emotion, however, I find that when I sit down and take a "time out" to assess my emotional state - why am I mad, is it worth being this mad etc. I find that when I get hurt I get very angry which ties right into fear - the fear of not being hurt again. When I'm mad, I will just go for a walk of jog....but if I had a punching bag, man that really eliminates it for me. Probably not a great choice though. Quiet music I find can help...depends how angry you are. Great job and thanks for listening

[RomanSunburn]

Lynn,
Thanks for the advice about meditation. When I was younger, my mom used to have me try to count to 10. I wasn't very good at it. I used to use meditation to fall asleep at night, so I started avoiding using it for other things, for fear that it would ruin my sleep meditation. Then I did a day program where we meditated every day... after lunch... which, unsurprisingly, led me to fall asleep at least once, and very close the rest of the time. I think I might dig out some index cards and write down those questions on them so next time I get angry, I can look at them. Maybe even write down 1 through 10 just to remind me to count.

Madisgram,
I frequently don't know why I'm upset. Something just tips me off, usually something tiny, and I can't stop my anger, at least not until I have a full blown fit. It's pretty ridiculous. I think if I could just some how interrupt the cycle, do both what you and Lynn suggested, take a moment to think about why I"m angry. But then, I get stuck. What do I do after I realize why I'm angry? When I'm angry, I can't think of constructive ways to express myself. I also usually get even more angry when I realize how dumb it is for me to be angry, or that my anger is all inside me and not because someone else did something that warranted me becoming angry. I have a huge fear of abandonment so I tend to feel even the slightest bit of perceived rejection as being abandoned.

Lets Talk,
I like the advice for going for a walk/run. My problem is, I usually get angry really late at night, and I'm not sure I would be comfortable going out, and I'm certain my boyfriend would not allow it. He can't take me for a walk at 1 am especially when he has to get up the next day and go to work.

Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it. I'm going to keep trying, I think the idea of putting it on the notecard may work out well for me. I've tried journaling, coloring, going to sleep, all of those things. None of those have helped me, but hopefully this will.

If anyone has any other suggestions, I'd love to hear them! I'm trying to stay open to new ideas and positive, but it's hard when it you've been struggling for awhile and this whole.. interrupting the cycle, which is what I need to do, just seems.. impossible.

Thanks again!

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

my anger is all inside me and not because someone else did something that warranted me becoming angry. I have a huge fear of abandonment so I tend to feel even the slightest bit of perceived rejection as being abandoned.

Hello Romansunburn,

There are more than one or two things to look at. First is it a moodswing that needs treatment?

Or is there is something triggering you and it is connected to something that happened late at night?(something you can't consciously remember). A fear based reaction that places you in control when you are the one wielding the anger? Something that makes you ok once the anger is identified and has been vented?

Did your parents or grandparents have a huge argument when you were little and one of them walked out and you were screaming or crying and it was late at night? Maybe pulling at straws but sometimes the straws have sherbet in them.

[RomanSunburn]

It is interesting that you mention a fight between my parents. When I was younger, my parents did have an especially bad fight one night where I somehow thought this meant they were getting a divorce. My mom might have gone for a drive after the fight because she has a tendency to do that to cool down. I do remember my dad coming up and comforting me and telling me they weren't going to get a divorce. It was kind of a one time thing. My parents do disagree and have little fights, but this was big. I have no idea what it was about.

My issues probably are about control, and for some strange reason anger makes me feel in control (when in reality, no one really has control during a fight). I feel like when I get angry, it's sometimes a response to me protecting myself before someone else can hurt/leave me. Like, if I leave you first, you can't leave me.

Thank you for your reply, it has really helped me explore the issue some more. I really appreciate it!

[Lets Talk]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

So, I know this seems to be a popular topic here in the emotions forum, but I'm really struggling with anger. My mother has always said I've always been an angry person. The problem is, I really just don't know how to deal with it. It usually happens to me late at night (not necessarily when I'm tired), and I'll just pick fights because I'm feeling hurt or abandoned. I know those feelings are completely in my head and not actually the result of something anyone has done, but for some reason, I cannot let go until I pick a fight. I know it's extremely unhealthy and damaging, but I just.. can't let go. I'm working on getting a therapist to help me work through these things, but until then, I was wondering what everyone does to deal with their anger, especially when it seems to be a product of their imagination or simply self-inflicted mind games.

Therapy is a great start! Sometimes anger is a defense mechanism that we put up to cover shame and hurt. For example, if someone is angry, no one can critisize you, or hurt you, or oppose you...but you do end up alone. Just a thought...we are going through this in group therapy

[Perna]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

What do I do after I realize why I'm angry? When I'm angry, I can't think of constructive ways to express myself. I also usually get even more angry when I realize how dumb it is for me to be angry, or that my anger is all inside me and not because someone else did something that warranted me becoming angry.

I go with the "dumbness" and carry it to extreme and then laugh at myself! Argue with yourself instead of the other person, call yourself a "dummy" and gently make fun of yourself. Call yourself a "poor dumb sod" or something and realize that you are trying to avoid feeling embarrassed for "being" so dumb as to be angry. It's okay! All of you is you and is wonderful!

Think about it this way; what if someone else had written this post. Pretend it's not your problem at all but you're reading about it. Wouldn't you want to help the person, soothe them and wish you could be there to help calm them? It's your lucky day, you are there to help them because them is you! To heck with "constructive", just stop and apologize to the other person(s) and tell them your anger "appears" to want to get out of hand. The other people will respond just like we have, they'll want to help.