[midnight_soul]

I have read many posts here today. I do try to reach out but for the longest time now my heart bleeds for all my mistakes, for the loss of my children and more. I not only suffer from the anguish of my sins, but also of my body wanting to give out from surviving cancer, numerous surgeries this past year and the "constant severe pain" I am forever in. There is no place I can run or escape, it is always with me. I am weeping, the tears making my hands and fingers wet as I type, my pain is so emense I can't bare it much longer.

God have mercy on me please. I beg you to take this pain, the one that I am fighting every moment of every day. I long to be with my children again, to love them, to give them my real loving self, not the old one I fear they may remember. My pysical pain Lord is so bad, I am so tired and sad. I love my children so very much, and my husband. I am sorry I could not take life with their father, why must I be punished and he recieves every part of me, my every thing ....my children my soul. He laughs and tortures me, where can I hide?

I am so sad, so tired, can't take much more.

Hello, midnight_soul. Have you told your treatment team what they are doing is not working?

[eskielover]

A lot of time they are able to prescribe pain medication in the form of patches for cancer pain. I am on that type of medication for the migraines I have that won't go away.....& they gave the same patches to my mother when she was trying to cope with her cancer pain.

I am sure that all you have gone through on top of the surgeries are difficult to cope with......doubt that you are being punished for any sins now.....God doesn't do things like that.

Hopefully they can find some relief for your pain & that will help make you feel better....but I know it's difficult to deal with.

sending you gentle 's

[Gus1234U]

i hope you find the way to change what can be changed, and the strength to endure what you can't... best wishes,, Gus

[sunsetsunrise]

((((((Midnight soul)))))) I hope you will continue to reach out for something that can help with the physical pain. I agree with what Eskielover and the Byzantine have said.

I do not believe in any way that you are being punished for anything. However the pain is there regardless. And I am so deeply sorry for all that has happened. I am glad you are posting.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Midnight Soul,

Keep posting and allow the emotional pain to drain away. Allow too, rational thought to take its place in your mind and heart so that you can realise that the only punishment is that which we put ourselves through.

Depression is a terrible thing and it attacks us when we are at our lowest physically and then the work begins to try to wrest control back from it. You've had more than you should have to deal with and you have done really well to be where you are now.

I really agree with Byz and Sunsun that you need to tell your MHT that you need help right now; and understand that you are not being punished for anything. Your earlier life may have been hard, on your kids and you but you need healing now and you need therapy to help you. If you aren't taking medication you might want to look at that as a therapy too.

Take care and keep posting so that we can support you.

[midnight_soul]

Thank you every one for your kindness. I am on several medications, I do see a shrink but nothing seems to help. What I have come to finally give in and understand, thanks to my loving and supportive husband is that no matter how many pills I take, it is really up to ME to take one step at a time and release my pain in positive ways instead of always trying to destroy myself thinking I deserve to be punished. For the past two days he and I have really talked and many tears have been shed.

I called my beautiful children yesterday and we talked for over 4 hours. I sang to them, they giggled and were all jabbering away with me about "good memories" and telling momma how much they love and miss me and they can't wait to see me for Christmas. After that talk I felt so much better, and for the rest of the day my husband and I listended to music, sang and danced until almost 1 in the morning. Today I feel so much better and I am ready to try and begin to heal myself through talking to all of you when I feel the need, also I have 2 precious playful loving dogs that my shrink suggested I do pet therapy....dogs are always there for me to love, pet and hold.

As for my physical pain I am on some pretty strong stuff, but it's just not working. So I go in this week to have another MRI plus a few other tests to see what else they can try for me. Right now I take morphine, oxycodine as well as musle relaxers. Most likely I will have to have a bone marrow test which I am sure many of you know is far from plesant. I am trying.....that is a BIG STEP for me.

My love for all of you is true, and I feel so blessed to have found such a loving place where I can come in and listen, as well as give and recieve so much love.

[awalkinthewoods14]

may God grant you the serenity to accept those things which you cannot change, the courage to change those things that you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.