Venting again

Forgive my repetitiveness with this subject and the length of this post. I know the coping tools, the self-soothing techniques, and they sometimes do help. I've tried every medication, had decades of therapy. I just want to speak what's churning in me, to get it out a little. As soon as I woke this morning, my mind was instantly flooded with terrible depressing thoughts about my life. There is mental illness throughout my family. It's my inheritance. Despite reasonable intelligence, humor, kindness, a graduate degree, insight, and other talents, I've also had horrible self-esteem, overwhelming "treatment-resistant" depression, trauma, ADD, and anxiety. My concentration and memory have worsened steadily over time. All those things and introversion conspired to keep me single. I haven't been able to cope with workplace stress, adding poverty to the list. Entering my fifties 5 years ago, I began to lose hope of getting my life on track, in terms of work and love. I cannot cope with the stress of maintaining my sad looking little house, the demands of a large young dog, doing everything all alone. I feel like I'm imploding from the strain. My mood improves for a day, and then, the despair returns. If I sell the house I can't afford to repair, where do I go? Life is expensive everywhere. The latest stressor is a housemate who is an utter slob. I have trouble finding people to move in to such a small house. I had to give up my bedroom for the income.

I'm trying to follow the advice of my therapist and meditation teachers: acceptance of my life exactly as it is, and living in the present moment as much as possible, not the past or future. I'm trying. Still, the sorrow is enormous. I had a much larger vision for my life. It included a loving husband, family and friends, meaningful creative lucrative work, an inviting home, entertainment, travel now and then. Instead, I feel I'm living in a small dark box. Buddhist teachers speak of learning to want what you have, and not want what you don't have. Simple concept, but it's a wide rapid channel to cross. I just needed to vent, that's all. I'm sorry for my repetitiveness with my story, and hope I'm not being too tedious. There's no one besides my therapist to hear me IRL. There were no local support groups when last I checked, but I'll have to try again. Peace to all.

rosei'm so glad u posted about how u are feeling. it takes courage and humility to post sometimes asking for support. sometimes it is all we can do-vent. i can understand why u feel u are boxed in to a life that is empty of the joys we all should have every now and then in our life. one thing comes to mind...can you offer time at a soup kitchen or volunteer some time at a place you feel comfortable? i have found that often times-not always tho-by getting outside of myself and helping others less fortunate, using that term loosely, helps me. is this something you would feel comfortable trying? i know you are so talented in an artistic way. could you use those talents to help others?
i'm not trying to minimize how you are feeling. i know it is real. i hope maybe this will be a spark for you to find some meaning in your life. there's so much in you that helps others. perhaps by helping others irl may help you too!
i'm glad u are willing to try to find a support group if possible. i never realized how much they helped til i joined one while leaving an abusive marriage. i know the group helped me thru so much. please keep us posted on this venture.
my T once told me it takes so much mental energy just to get thru the day when we feel helpless and hopeless. i never had thought about that and it is true. that is why you feel worn down. can you take a walk outside with no intention of getting somewhere? that helps me too. just to get outside is difficult often but once i'm out it helps.
for now try to look at only today. don't project into the morrow or the past. stay centered and if you lapse back, acknowledge it, and refocus on today.
i hope in some small way this may help.

Acceptance is true but sometimes things have got to change. I believe in acceptance, and practice it as well as staying in the day but if the sitation is not to your liking at least you should be able to look at alternative choices.
How about low income housing in your area. Is there something you can apply for?What about actually moving to a different area? Change is extremely hard but there are options.Sometimes we are scared to make the plunge.
I married and had children but my marriage did not work out, one died, I got divorced twice...and so on. I live alone now with, as you know, the two needy felines Abbie and Lucie. Feel free to post me anytime. I have a lot of wonderful experience about what won't work because I have tried it..LOL
re: pooch Is it possibe he/she is too much for you. You might want to consider giving her /him up. I know that would be hard but one thing added on to another can cause the whole house to fall! I know I don't do stress well either.And the housemate...well if you decide to stay in the house, I would give him/her the walking papers..that is AFTER you have found someone else!!
Thinking of you!

(((((((lavie))))))) Big hugs to you. We are here for you, dear friend

I really agree with what missbelle writes here. Acceptance of what is doesn't mean that we shouldn't try and make some changes where necessary. In fact, I think that is all part of the bigger picture of acceptance: in other words, accepting that we DO need to make changes.

That's actually the thing I personally struggle with the most. I've become terrified of any kind of change. Even small deviations from my daily routine frighten me. I know I need to make some changes but I don't believe I'm capable. I guess that's another part of the bigger picture of acceptance: accepting that we ARE indeed capable of change.

You are so strong (((((((lavie)))))))) and I have every faith in your ability to change. I wish many great opportunities for you! Please know that I'm thinking of you and sending you metta.

Thank you all for your responses. They were thoughtful, wise and helpful. Madisgram, since going on disability 7 years ago, I've intended to volunteer, preferably using art, but let fear stop me. Part is stingyness with time, since I'm so slow in getting anything done. Part is guilt that my dog Sherman doesn't get enough stimulation even when I'm home, so I'm reluctant to leave him for blocks of time. These are crazy excuses, I know, and yet feel real to me. I have to move past them. I haven't been able to release guilt that he doesn't have animal companions or younger more active people in the household. It's even kept me from looking for jobs, which is really nuts, because then I worry about affording vet care.Though it kills me to think of giving Sherman up, I did some inquiring. I don't think I could handle the pain alone of advertising and screening homes. I'm afraid that I wouldn't find an exceptional home for him. And it takes energy to advertise and screen, especially when it's emotionally wrenching. So I "chase my tail" in that department, too. If I had someone to hold my hand, walk me through the process, knowing I wouldn't give my boy up unless I found a truly wonderful situation for him.

Your suggestion of walking is good therapy, and hopefully tomorrow won't be rained out like today. The rainy day impacted on my mood, I'm sure.

MissBelle, though subsidized housing feels a step even further back from my "vision" of the life I want, I did inquire 6 months ago, and the City told me the list was closed, they weren't taking applications. I've thought many times of wanting to move to a new area, wanting newness, change. Then comes the fears that Sundog mentioned, fear that I'm incapable of change, of handling the details, managing the stress, meeting new people, etc. Fear that I'd only bring my mind and problems to a new location, the "geographic cure".

Still, my situation must change. It's been slowly killing me staying frozen this way for the 16 years I've been in this house. I cringe to think that it's been that long in an untenable situation. I simply don't have the income to be a homeowner facing repairs. The latest is damage from an ice dam, leaking in the kitchen ceiling. I haven't found stable housemates because people find more spacious places and aren't interested in my cramped home.

Sundog, thank you for your support and faith in me. I totally identify with those fears of change, as you know. I hope that you all don't think I'm shooting down your help. I don't want to be frustrating to you. I'm digesting it, and I know that I need to move beyond my fears and resistance. It's just really hard, facing these changes without help, while I feel confused and exhausted all the time.

Hi lavienrose,
It sounds really painful, sometimes I think if we just had that small inner circle of support (like a good family or tight group of friends), we could do anything. But life conspires! Money, location, pure chance keep us completely stuck. I always think of a stream in the park by here, where sometimes a leaf will just get stuck, then another one, then another one, and before you know it there is a clump of soggy leaves and the water can't flow anymore. That pretty much feels like my life too so I can identify with a lot of how you phrased your post.

For me I know I can't move on when I feel like I've failed in any way. I will punish and punish myself with negative thoughts. Taking a step back though, I can realize that little voice squealing "failure! you failed!" isn't authentic. Someone put it there. My life is not a failure by most standards, and judging by the experiences you listed here, yours probably isn't either. So we need to replace that voice with a more loving accepting one.

Do we have to accept life with all its flaws? I don't know! I think sometimes in life we feel connected, empowered, and content, and sometimes we feel like nothing is going right, and those are both just... life. But do we have to just accept it when everything starts going wrong? I don't agree with that!

Just curious is there somewhere you could live where there would be maybe more creative jobs? (And maybe eventually.. more dating, more support!)

Sending hugs and good wishes your way. What we are today, we may not be tomorrow. Either way, I hope you (we all!) find peace!!

((((((lastyearisblank)))))))), thanks so much. I agree that if only there was some support at hand from family or friends, some of this would be manageable. It's frustrating to be isolated, without help. But, I can ensnare myself in the "if onlys". You're right about blaming myself, anger at myself for feeling like a failure does sap my coping resources further. I like your analogy of the leaves in the stream. One thing adds to another, damming up the works. I have wondered about other cities and states that may offer more opportunity. While this is a beautiful area with a lot of colleges, the arts, etc., it's very limiting. As scary as it feels, a change could be a really good thing for me, if I'd take the steps to research other areas. Thanks again.

Hi (((((((lavie)))))))),

I can't add much to the stellar list of suggestions and strategies here, and I would like to applaud them all--such a wealth of empathy, creativity, and intelligence, all packed into one thread by amazing, thoughtful folks. I also would like to second lastyearisblank's idea about getting yourself out there creatively, perhaps getting more work into galleries, or showcasing work with which you'd be willing to part at an art fair. A website would be a great idea in that capacity as well, and a free one can be put up in a matter of minutes. Creativity is so incredibly soothing, which is something I'm aware most or all know! Reasonable amounts of daily progress on chosen projects may offer comfort and accomplishment, and then putting the work on view for public appreciation or sale potentially offers reward, too...did I put a pun in there? Sorry!

missbelle's right...give the sloppy housemate the heave-ho. If you take on future housemates, draw up a livability contract about both common and private areas, with eviction clauses for noncompliance. Don't make it too detailed, use very plain language, and request that it's read and signed in your presence.

You are a very courageous person, as far as I'm concerned, lavie...I admire your candor, perseverance, and intelligence, as evidenced in this thread, and everywhere else I've had the pleasure to come in contact with you on this site. Step by step, you will build the life you desire, from what you have at hand, and what you generate during that process. I have faith in you, lavie, as do so many others here.

Sending you heaps of hugs and positive feelings and thoughts.



P.S. I too like lastyearisblank's leaf caught in the stream analogy.

P.P.S. I know I've said it, but I really appreciate all the posts here also.

rose, help me out on this-are you still in therapy? i hope so and that your T is qualified to walk you thru this mire taking small chunks of the known and unknown fears you have. the fear is immobilizing you. the worries immobilize you. you need professional help to overcome all this, imho. i feel if you're like me i could have never untangled the mess alone. i had no self esteem, fear, worry, feelings of being hopeless and helpless, etc. i trusted my T. i felt safe when i talked about everything. he was gentle with my fragile self.
i have an excellent book about rational living. if you're interested let me know in a pm. you have much more value and worth than you realize. you are articulate, you're caring of others, you're talented. i'm so sorry you have the concerns you have. i hope we can help you the best we can to offer support and friendship to you. lots of love and hugs

Thanks, Madisgram. Yes, I'm still in therapy. I've been seeing this (latest) therapist for a year and a half, at least. We started with EMDR, but I actually got worse as we worked with childhood scenarios. We've gone back to talk therapy.

((((((Nola))))))), So glad for your input. You certainly belong in this stellar lineup of smart empathic thinkers. I've taken little steps lately to eliminate some creative clutter, many years worth of found objects, also known as junk, plus fabric, paint, junk furniture for embellishing, stained glass sheets, and on and on. With less stuff to distract my eye and mind, maybe I'd regain inspiration and focus in a more limited, concentrated way creatively. It must still be inside me, I'm hoping. The clutter has been harmful. I've had a domain name, doggedpursuits.net, for at least 5 years, but no web site. It's been on my mind all that time to get it up and running, but again the fears...Will I finally face the fears, take actions in the face of them, or have only regrets at the end of my life? That's the choice. I hope that I summon the integrity to choose the former. Nola, thanks again for your thoughts, which always impress me.

thank you for sharing your feelings. it always helps other people like me. I empathize with you because I have had similar feelings. I struggle with depression and my functioning has gotten worse over time. I am taking new medication which has helped. I didn't think my life would change until I took a chance and tried something new. I'm seeing a new psychiatric nurse who took me off of zoloft for effexor xr and added abilify. I am now taking the maximum dose of 2 anitdepressants, wellbutrin and effexor, and the smallest dose of abilify. My energy level has improved greatly. I do more things around the house and better able to manage difficult emotions. I am making a conscious effort to practice mindfulness, and attend DBT group therapy. Although, I do still experience fatigue, every now and then; I wake up early in the morning refreshed. I have 2 big dogs that live with me. I took in a Rottweiler from a coworker (I am underemployed working part time) who didn't have time for him because of working 2 jobs. I am grateful that I have time to walk him and train him. He is 2 years old and still a puppy. I take care of my mother who would have to be in a nursing home if she didn't come to live with me. So, things have worked out for both of us. I wont give advice because Im sure you have heard it all and tried it all. I just want to leave you with a feeling of hope that you will be okay. I am a Christian but I appreciate and practice mindfulness. Having faith in a higher power has gotten me through many difficult times. I was just approved for a mortgage modification which reduced my payment significantly. I had no control of the outcome, and I left it in God's hands to take care of me. I gave them all the information they asked for. Even though I had to send it many times. That left me frustrated and angry. I could have made things worse be asserting my will by using anger in order to manipulate people into doing what I wanted. It didnt work. My therapist helped me through this, and I beleive God put these people in my life for a reason. This moment is perfect. I am who I was meant to be. I live where I was meant to live. I work where I was meant to work. And I have what I was meant to have. Each moment is the perfect moment. Mindfulness is a simple concept, but not easy to do. God bless and keep hope in your horizon.

Thanks lovEternal. I was on effexor for 4 or more years. It lost effectiveness. My Pdoc says I've tried them all, and there's nothing new to try. I'm so glad you've found a winning combination. I also envy your religious faith. I know that it brings comfort to so many. I went to a meditation group last night, accompanied by a new male friend who asked to join me. He's a lovely man, a professional storyteller, nice-looking. He has an MFA in Theatre, the sort of man who'd interest me. Maybe his presence made me anxious. I haven't dated in years. I had to leave my cushion and the meditation room, and go pace the hallway. I've never done that before. I also couldn't shake off the anxiety over a man seeking out my company. I had in my mind leapt ahead to him discovering me to be boring, since I have no career, am not even reading anymore, can't concentrate on games or any mental challenge. It was so painful to feel such unworthiness, just harsh self-judgment. This kind of thinking is some of what gets in my way of trying to meet men. Then, fearing rejection, I appear remote, disinterested. And very few opportunities with new men come along in the first place. Sorry to ramble so, and be so negative. I don't know how to make healthy ideas really take root in my mind, and stick with me. It feels like my brain is made of teflon. Everything slides off or evaporates. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be frustrating or defeat efforts to help. I'm deeply moved and grateful that you all wish to help.

Well, I have learned that if you dont feel good about yourself maintaining a relationship is going to be very hard if not impossible. I had a breakthru with my depression, but I am no way near ready to have a relationship with a man and im okay with that. I have to learn to feel whole by myself. Maybe he is just being friendly and kind to you. dont assume he wants more. not all men are the same. keep your radar up and take care of your needs first. Depressed women can be vulnerable to men with not so good intentions. Im just saying this in general. I dont know you or him, its just something to think about.

Thanks. That's a very important message, lovEternal, to not make assumptions about mens' intentions, being alert to exploitative types when I'm depressed, and thirdly, not having the self-esteem and inner strength for intimate relationships at present. Points all well taken.

I'm so sorry, Lavieenrose! That sounds like a lot weighing you down. I myself am on disability and live in a house my mother owns and will have to probably move into an inexpensive apartment soon. I can relate to the feeling like your dreams are not possible anymore. Trying to make a schedule of things I want to do everyday helps me accomplish more and feel like I'm doing more with my time. I make time for art everyday, which allows me to zone out. I used to be part of a local art league, which was nice. When you feel up to it, I agree volunteering could make you feel better about yourself. I taught English to Burmese refugees and it was a great experience and really opened my view of the world. I hope that eventually you get some of these things you desire so much...

((((((Unico))))))), thanks for your message. I'm sorry that you've had similar stresses in your life. It does help when I remember to make a list, and to visualize doing the tasks at a specific time of day. I hate losing so much time to fogginess. Hearing of your volunteering and dedication to art daily is inspiring to me. Thanks for that. I really want to regain the inspiration.