all i could think of was how much i hated her

I went to see my therapist yesterday. I didn't want to go for I hadn't slept at all that night and I was tired and just not feeling it. I went anyway, took the hour long ride on trains and buses I never had before, and getting anxiety in public for no real reason (I thought I was calm and collected but just standing there waiting for the subway I suddenly broke out in horrible shakes that would have been very obvious to anyone watching me).

I went, made it on time, and the whole hour session was spent on school. School, which is something my social worker takes care of, school which is something I already have figured out.. I tried explaining to her it was already being dealt with, and even my social worker had said that she would rather the therapist talk to me about my problems and stay out of the school issue.. But no, she spent the majority of going over what my worker and I had already done, acting as if I had no knowledge of what I had to do, and completely ignoring my protests.

When she wasn't stepping in places she didn't need to be, she instead tried to tell me how I felt, when I wasn't feeling that way at all. When we talk.. it's not me explaining how I feel, sometimes I don't know, but it's her telling me how I feel.. not how she thinks I feel, but her idealized, imaginative, perception of how I feel. I felt ignored, I felt trampled, I felt misunderstood, unimportant and small.. I went to therapy to get away from that.. I was getting that a lot from my Dad before I started therapy, and now I'm getting it in therapy.

The whole entire time I was unhappy, quiet, irritated, sleepy, and over and over again I was thinking "I hate you, I don't want to be here. Be quiet, stop talking, I don't care anymore. Let me go home." That office shouldn't be such a negative place for me to be.. It's supposed to help me but instead it's completely unfair..

~ to alter your fate, you must be brave and willing to try something new ~

no its not fair, tell your social worker

I hope I can. Usually I'm capable of calming down and get the "oh I'll give them one more chance" thinking because I'm literally afraid of hurting other people's feelings. I care more about theirs than my own.. and caring about my own makes me feel selfish.. *sigh* What the years of emotional manipulation can do..

My therapist is leaving in June however so I may only have one or two sessions left and then it's over and done with.

~ to alter your fate, you must be brave and willing to try something new ~

well i hope you can see a new therapist then

You have GOT to tell your social worker about this "therapist." I even hate to call her that, because she doesn't ACT like one. A therapist is supposed to LISTEN to you and base her opinions on what YOU say ~ not on what she WANTS you to say!!! Grrrr

Take your power back, and demand that you see another therapist, cause this one is doing you more harm than good!! She's doing the same thing that has already been done to you!! Don't allow it anymore ~ make SURE you get another therapist. Talk to your social worker and tell her you just cannot take any more of these sessions!!

Best of luck & God bless. I'm pulling for you. Hugs, Lee

I agree with Leed. If you feel your therapist is not helping and listening to you than get a different therapist. It is hard to find a good therapist, but keep looking. Does your social worker know of any other one that may listen?

I know how you feel, I really hate it when someone tells me what I feel and they are totally wrong. It is a waste of time when a therapist doesn't listen and some of them don't. After all they are just people too and they do have faults and issues too.

Who needs their issues when we have enough of our own right?

The whole point LittleForgetMeNot is your name. You have made a choice, you cant forget you.
You have to stop worrying about hurting the feelings of others, that therapist clearly isn't concerned about you, it is just a paycheck to her. Move on dear you have learned something, to not let others control or use you.

Open Eyes

I understand I should worry more about myself, but it's so difficult now. I feel like I must cater to everyone else or I will be looked down upon, hated, and attacked. These feelings are from recent events that lasted quite a few years.. Everyone says you grow from your experiences.. I think I grew but the wound is still bleeding.

But, I'll try to talk to my worker about it the next time I see her.. If I can muster up the courage at least.

~ to alter your fate, you must be brave and willing to try something new ~

I wonder if you have PTSD. Your about me sounds like it. And what you say here about your feelings are much like the emotions of a person who has PTSD. Perhaps if you bring it up with the social worker she or he may find you a therapist that may specialize in it. Then you could discuss your past and see if you infact are experiencing it. It would be very good for you to get the right therapy for that. PTSD has its own kind of depression that is a little different from regular depression. You should really make sure that you have the correct diagnosis LFMN.

Go easy on yourself, you can get better and be a better you. Growing from experience can only come if you address the experience and know what it means.

Open Eyes

Someone suggested PTSD a few months ago when I first joined this site as well.. I don't know. With therapists I usually.. hold back a little until I trust them but by then they already have their diagnosis and stick to it.

Part of me is holding back on that diagnosis.. because I don't consider my events as traumatic as someone else who does have it went through. I did go through a lot of physical, mental and emotional abuse as a child, but I grew up and out of it fine (except for a bit/ton of separation anxiety) until I met certain people on the internet who've for years leaked through my defenses and poisoned my brain through my monitor. I let them do it, and as far as I'm concerned it was an emotional and mental struggle for me.. especially in the last few months but.. I feel sometimes it's one of those "suck it up your situation isn't that bad as others" times because it was through the internet and not face to face.. and it wasn't life threatening, it was just something I let happen because I didn't know how to turn the computer off.

I don't wanna be one of those people who jumps in with a serious diagnosis even though the events that one claims lead to that don't add up properly.. Now.. unless the "friends" triggered PTSD to suddenly come out that related more to my past.. (if that's possible) I could see me having it... or maybe I'm too afraid of something more serious than a little depression and a little anxiety. I have absolutely no idea.

~ to alter your fate, you must be brave and willing to try something new ~

LittleForgetMeKnot,
All the things that you are descibing are symptoms of it. You cant just say I used to have it or even think that you were not abused enough to have it. Much of it comes from childhood abuse but can come from all kinds of abuse.

I really didn't realize that my own behaviors were because I did have it and like you, I thought that I just got through it. I doesn't work like that. However I didn't realize that this diagnosis even existed. And it is still faily new in recognition.

The truth is LFMN, it does not just go away by itself. Allowing yourself to accept abuse from whoever dishes it out is the PTSD talking. But if you take the time to address it with a good therapist than you will get the help you need to STOP ALL THESE ONGOING SYMPTOMS, because it will become evident to you. Allowing it to continue will not be good for you as it will only add to it. And weather you like it or not, it will eventually come out at a time when you would be better off not having it come out. Example in marriage with children and not feeling you can function and not understanding why and how much is effects not only you but all the others around you. No, stop it now, use this time to learn how to repair yourself now instead of allowing further damage. The depression that you feel is also a part of it and it may get worse if you don't address the real reason and work your way thru it.

I wish I had known about it at your age, it would have made my life easier as I would have learned why I would get so angry and even blow up at times. I would find out why I was feeling anxiety for what seemed like no reason at all. It is quite possible that your other family members have it too. That can lead to disfunctional family issues, such at too many desks. My brother had it too and he always chose to over eat. There is not escaping from it, the only way to handle it is to reconize it and learn how to stop it from slowly taking over your life. It can be worked thru and you can be a better stronger more relaxed person.

Open Eyes

I understand. I'll look into it and talk to my worker about it, to see what she says.

~ to alter your fate, you must be brave and willing to try something new ~

I'll reply to your original quote as well but I wanted to reply to this first. Worrying more about other people's than your own doesn't tend to make me think that you're wrong for doing so, it makes me think you're a good person for it. I am very similar, for instance I am pretty broke right now just starting out in the world and I have given tons of MY own hard-earned money to other people who are deserving. I used to also tend to care more about other people than myself, which I have grown out of some but as you can see by me giving my money away (since I feel others are more needy, I do have a roof over my head) I am not completely grown out of it. But again, don't put yourself down for that because it is good to have compassion.

Your Therapist doesn't seem to be doing her job real well. Like others have said, which is a true fact, Therapists are supposed to listen to YOUR feelings and then decide what they think is going on and try to give you advice on how to deal with it, not the other way around. I know you don't really hate her but I understand how it would be irritating to have to go through all of that and then have a session go that particular way. It's understandable. Also, I have severe anxiety and I know first-hand that it's not an easy thing to cope with especially when you start panicking over it (such as being in big crowds like you were). You have a lot on your plate for your age and having to do all that just to see your therapist who gave you a a bad session must have been difficult.

I think it is good to talk to your social worker about it, not sure if you have yet or not, but that would probably help. I wouldn't let it go this time because she needs to know that what she is doing is making things worse on you not better, and she should be trained to know how to act in that situation and change her ways and thinking process.

Anyways, hope it gets better for you.