I just don't know...

So my wife and I have discussed the need of Theripists.... I don't know why but it makes me feel like I'm not good enough knowing she feels she needs a T too... I have acted as her T since we were in high school and that used to be good enough to make her happy she had a T once before and she told me that I was better than that because she could talk to me easier. Why does it hurt me so bad now that she wants to go back??? I want to know why. she says it's not me but I feel it is... I feel like she's always looking for someone else to talk to even though she says she's not. I makes me feel like I'm not good enough to solve the same problems I used to be able to solve.... It makes me wonder what did I do then that I'm not doing now. All she keeps saying is that it's not me.... But that's EXACTLY what I feel it is. I can't get her to understand how I feel about it and it makes me feel even worse when I try to talk to her about it because she doesn't see how she's been shutting me out.... I feel she talks to her friends on here more than she talks to me most of the time. I just don't know what to do. I can't sort threw my own feelings. I've always been better at sorting threw other ppls lives than sorting threw my own. Help me... someone tell me what to do. I just don't understand. Something always seems to come up to make me feel NOT GOOD ENOUGH.... in everything.... WHY??? why does it hurt me to know she wants to go to the T??? Why does it make me feel like she doesn't need me like she used to????

i think maybe you both need to see a T . Seperately. Its healthy that your wife is seeking therapy. But maybe you have forgotten yourself through caring for her.
You need to not panic, shes not going anywhere, maybe in time you will see this in a new light, and enjoy just being her husband, her lover. Instead of her carer.
Be strong.

You may be better at sorting through others' lives better than yours...but I'm not sure that qualifies you (or me as I believe it too) to really work at the level of a professional. In addition, you are probably too close to the situation to objectively help.

So don't hold yourself self-esteem hostage to the fact 1. you each need therapy and 2. that therapy needs to be done by professionals...

If i were to guess, your wife seems like a typical woman. Always wanting to talk to someone about how she feels when she gets the siltiest bit emotional. And you shouldn't have to be her therapist. A marriage is about compromising, not a one sided relationship. if she's sick though, that's a different story and she may need to seek professional help then. But don't beat yourself up because she needs someone to talk things over.

HI Rani,
What IS clear is that you love your wife, and that you care about her. And I'm sure she feels and knows this too.

But even professionally trained therapists don't see their own family/loved ones. There are many reasons for this including, but far from limited to, the inability to be removed from the loved one's situation (regardless of how well you believe yourself to be able to do this, the fact is you ARE emtionally connected and therefore UNABLE to be wholly impartial/unbiased), they are less likely to tell you their deepest troubles (this is not a reflection of trust or anything like that in your relationship, it can simply be because they have to face you every day), and just maybe they are having trouble with you in some way that they cannot articulate and they recognise as being 'their' stuff and truly z'not about you'. Even professionally trained therapists see professionally trained therapists to make sure they are getting their stuff seen to.

Rani, I get that you're triggered by your wife's desire to see a T, but there sounds like a bit of martydom in your post on your behalf. We cannot be all things to all people is a saying that comes to mind. Be her partner, not her carer or rescuer. Perhaps you are feeling that this is your purpose in your relationship and with that purpose gone, there is no relationship? or Perhaps you have invested so much of your own time and energy into helping her in the past that her need to see a T now may mean to you that all that effort was wasted? or Perhaps you are resentful because she knows herself in a way that you don't know her when you believe that you know everything about her? Even if it is none of these possibilities, you may perhaps have an unhealthy view of your wife's desire to seek help for herself??

Have you re-read your post? Are you able to read it as if someone else wrote it? What would you say to that person? Would you maybe be suggesting they too see a therapist to get to the bottom of so much unclarified/confused feeling?

How lucky your wife is that she has you, and that you so obviously do care for and love her. This is a big thing for you, and I hope you are both able to talk together about it with the love and respect that you bought you both together in the first place.

Best of luck to you both,
kp

i think you have what they call an "irrational thought/belief" about yourself. like, "i'm (you in this case) not a worthwhile person unless i can solve other ppl's problems." your wife may need an objective professional viewpoint to sort out things. i think it's a healthy approach to have a non-partisan's opinion. perhaps that's another reason she seeks her friends' opinions too. you're not "less than" if she feels this helps her.

another thought- codependancy comes to mind:
“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself." The other partner - who is the codependent one - then works all-out to try to “fix” the problem.

Still, the codependent partner often finds some type of reward in this setup. “Probably the most significant theme is a sense of control. The other person plays the out-of-control person, and so they get to be the person who is in control and thus is respected,” Bochner tells WebMD.
“They can be the better person, the smarter person, the person who’s recognized as having it all together. They’re defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it, when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength,” he says.
hope this helps. i'm not a psychologist, just another person with the same behaviors/tendancies. learned a lot in therapy to help myself overcome this for the most part.

I think seeing a T is good for both of you. It helps since maybe there are things that she may not be able to share or explain to you. No one really knows how the other feels. It is hard to accept that she feels this way but give her credit for seeking help. It will just make things better between the two of you. Therepy may help you as well to let all these feelings out and have a different view of how to cope with them. It will make you and her have a better relationship and understanding of each other. I would love my husband to be able to express himself in wanting to try and solve my problems So she is lucky to have you. These thoughts are showing that you love her so much and that you care for her deeply. If you did not then you would have now thoughts or feelings. Wish you well.

Rani08,
Wow there is a lot of good advice here for you. So many things that you probably have not thought about. And, I agree that perhaps you should consider seeing a therapist as well. Now, I can hear you saying that it was always her that had issues and you were the problem solver but therin lies the problem.

Wouldn't it be nice if you didn't have to solve her issues, if you could just spend time loving each other in a healthier way? Often we do not see the forest thru the trees and a therapist can help us with that.

Dont be self critical, or feel that you are losing control. Be glad that she is seeking another opinion besides pushing all her issues on you. It shows growth and courage on her part, maybe she wants to stop demanding so much from you because she loves you.

Open Eyes