[dumbunny]

I'm probably older than most posters here, I'm 56, my father was in the hospital, went to a nursing today, he's 83, and I don't know if I should be glad he's in a home or not. This could be a long story. My mother and sister have already passed away. It's now just my brother and his family and myself and husband, I have no children of my own. I'm so mixed up. I love my father but a prior therapist asked me if I loved him or liked him, two diifferent things, I just don't know. Not even sure now if I love my husband nor myself. Wish with all my heart and soul I would die. I never used to wish for that because I saw what it did to my father when he lost his other daughter, I don't want to hurt him again like that, but I want so much my life to end. I don't believe I'm suicidal, just wish a natural death would happen to me. I have an appt. with my psych doctor next week, but all she'll do is change or add medicine. She will encourage me to talk to a therapist which I've done in the past and it was not help. I've talked to 3 different therapists, the second may be one I would go back to. I'm up, I'm down, I drink alcohol when I'm not working which brings me down even further and I know that's not right. I don't tell my husband how much I am hurting, because he throws his arms up, doesn't agree with depression and/or anxiety. Maybe when it happens to his family, he'll understand, but I doubt it. I want to die, I want my father to die because he will be at peace with my other, and I don't care right now what happens after I die. I just wish so much I would go to sleep at night and now wake up.

[my3sns]

This post makes a lot of sense to me ....there is much more here that i can relate to than i would like , but just keep hanging on and trying therapy ... it can and does help with the right T/client relationship