[beauflow]

I had this in Other Mental Health Discussion but I think it better serves here--- It is hard to deal with these emotions- and such one extreme to the other.
I do not have a doctor- so it is good advice to print this out and give it to as it was suggested, but I have no one to give it too.. I am not sure what I am looking for- all I know is that i hate this feeling.. I tend to have these feelings when highly stressed with negative things around me.
In the end I try my best to go back to being positive but it can be hard. Some "episodes" of this are worse than others.
any Suggestions are good- or any suggestions what this sort of behavior is linked with would be appreciated as well.
*******************************************************

So as far as I can remember realizing, I myself have a love and hate relationship with myself and almost all around me. It may have steamed from my mother and mine relationship as a child (I am not sure to be honest but I could see that). I am good with keeping some of the extreme thoughts deep inside and not revealing them, but still the feelings are there at some point.

TO be honest I really dislike this feeling. I will like everyone but then at the same time or another time; I can completely loath a person or they just push that right agitation button on me or think they all hate me- and some are totally out to get me in some plan.

Sounds silly to me sometimes, but at other times it is not funny and it is very real thoughts and I can go on defense with some.

I am not sure if this is normal human behavior (perhaps it is the extreme and occurrence of it?). I understand getting upset with someone you love when something may not be done or a promise happens to get broken, but idk.... I get this way with simple co-workers that I work with too- Not that I love them as in I love my boyfriend but as in I really like hanging out but then one day it's like just leave me alone- geez you p*ss me off or that they hate me.

I am still decent- as in I will not be out right mean- That makes me feel bad to be that way and reminds me of my mother-- (Not to say i cant be mean or sometimes i am mean with out knowing it; but I try to stop it).

I do not like this due to internally it makes me feel bad- either pick a side, i start to say to myself- but yet I cant- its as day by day or week by week decision..... or I go with one decision and then change it later.
It makes me feel two faced sometimes with some people- and I really do not like two faced people, and would hate to be one. I rather try to find a little bit of good everyone and see those sides first- it is hard sometimes.

I do note that i must tend to hide my feelings well, due to friends and co-workers do not see me as two faced nor does my boyfriend, some do not even know if I am upset (includes my boyfriend but usually he does note a mood change but may not be sure of what).... I must be good at playing along, or covering up myself or what not (have had a lot practiced so I could see that). I dont like it though/ but yet know I have to play along due to I am not sure of myself if reasons of being angry or what not is right to be.

Tares me up internally some times though, so when alone- it is a different story than around people. Sometimes cry uncontrollably when alone, get made, can be destructive (some times).... Oh and espcailly if this love hate relationship is with in me--- I do this to myself as well. I can be like- yeah awesome me- ok me- and just negative thoughts towards myself (a lot to not like about and I can see it).

Sometime, with these thoughts, I see it as a part of me, being self destructive.. could it be?