Letting go of...?

So I think I'm slowly figuring out what my issues are stemming from. Especially my anger, and the reason I pick these huge fights with my fiance at night. It has to do with the fact that I feel like when he can just fall asleep when I'm still upset it means he doesn't care. And I have to wake him up, and make sure he knows exactly what I'm feeling.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on how to deal with this? This urge to make sure my fiance knows exactly what i'm feeling when I'm feeling it. Is there a way to make sure my emotions and feelings still feel validated even though he's asleep? To not feel abandoned? Is this going to just be about will power?

Funny side note, though... I asked my fiance how he would feel if I fell asleep while he was upset or angry, and he said he would like it if I did, because then he would know I was calm, and he could be calm, and because he likes to watch me sleep cause I'm peaceful. Oi... Different perspectives drive me crazy...

I would honestly probably feel the same, RomanSunburn. If I felt an issue was unresolved and my significant other was sleeping, I would feel bothered too. I would feel bad about waking him/her up, though. Maybe he sees the situation different and don't see a problem lurking around or at least not a big problem that can't be dealt with at a later time. I wouldn't let it get to you thinking that he doesn't care, because he probably does but has a different perspective. Maybe you guys can set some time aside before bed to talk and this will ease some of your feelings?

perhaps this stems from you're having insecurities about yourself. on the other hand he may be not willing to discuss what's bothering you right before bed. it stirs a person up and makes it harder to go to sleep.
i know it must be difficult for you but yes there are ways to reassure yourself without him up. write down things you like about yourself and take the list out when u're feeling anxious. it can remind you that you are ok. this can be a challenge at first due to anxiety but you can do it with practice. one of the things u could write is, i know my bf cares a lot for me. i am not alone.
you can also journal how you are feeling during those times. believe me, it really helps to get those feelings out on paper.
here's a helpful site re your fears-
http://www.denisboyd.com/personal-gr...andonment.html

I remember a weird conversation with a boyfriend about a friend of mine who use to have a husband/boyfriend fall asleep when she was talking/angry and my boyfriend said that was "good" because at least he wasn't being angry/abusive back! I hadn't thought of that; when people don't know what to "do" about us/our problems, just "leaving" can be a good tactic?

We can't "make" other people understand us or respond to us the way we want; they can only respond the way they are/want because, like your boyfriend's view of how he'd feel; they're different from us. So, whatever it is you are feeling, the urge/need is coming from inside you and is your insides giving you a hard time, not your boyfriend's actions/lack of response! If you are comfortable with yourself, you won't "need" your boyfriend in that way, will feel "with" him no matter what his state of being

Well, guys don't tend to note as well how people feel so it's possible he doesn't know? And if he does, than he probably puts it aside so he can sleep.

This used to happen with my husband and I until I realized that what I really wanted was for him to show he "cared" but I knew he wouldn't be drawn into a discussion or an arguement if he was exhausted. So I finally let myself be vulnerable enough to tell him that when I'm upset...I need him to hold me....and he does and its so much easier to know he cares and I can rest in his arms and he usually falls asleep ...

we have to realize that sometimes we need to sit with things being unresolved...

I have been married 8 years now. We both came into this marriage from bitter previous relationships. In the beginning, I was just like you. I could not keep my clam until I had told him exactly how I felt. But my husband, was either too tired to hear it or did not think they are serious issues to discuss. so he would fall asleep in minutes, while I kept awake without being able to sleep. It was mentally and physically tiring for me.

So I started to keep a journal. In that I would write everything as I would be telling him. The tone and words, would be exactly the same as I would be talking to him. I now not only use that to record things that I have to tell him, but anyone in my life. So I resolve many relationship issues (without making big deals out of it) within myself, with the help of the journal.

This is the best self-help I did. Sometimes I go back to old entries and read them. Now I feel how silly certain things, that were worrying me. Most importantly, I found that I have been really insecure in those early days. Now that we know each other much better, I do not feel the need to tell him every feeling that I have. Now I rarely make entries in the journal for him. But I still use it to 'talk to' my mother, sister, and others in my family including my dad who has passed away.

Hope this helps!!

Okay, Perna, that's exactly what I want to do. Become more comfortable with myself, more secure in myself, so that I don't need to wake my fiance up. So, you gunna tell me how to do this?

MasterPlan and madisgram, I do try to journal. But I've realized I have some trouble with journaling because I feel bad/guilty about how I feel, and writing it down forces me to take ownership of it. It's hard to take ownership of things you don't want to be associated with (I have a lot of guilt over these fights...). But that's probably something I should work on, because by taking ownership, I might be able to let it go (teflon mind and all that?)?

I also have a tendency to wait until I'm rational to journal, when I should probably be writing when I'm emotional and then again when I'm rational (or emotional to help me become rational...).

ReadytoStop, when my fiance isn't too exhausted, he can help me by scratching my back, hugging me, or combing my hair. These help me calm down and feel cared for. But when he's SUPER tired, he just can't process anything. Which makes me freak out more...

And I know it's not that he doesn't know I'm upset. I know he does tend to put things aside because he realizes that tomorrow I"m going to be fine. But that doesn't help me feel validated in the moment when I'm getting panicky.

Thanks for all the responses. I think I'm going to have to work more on my journaling and practice breathing and calming self mantras more. I'm getting to the point where I think "I should try to breathe right now, but I'm just not ready" and my T says that this is a moving in the right direction. Also, the other night when I got mad, I actually left the apartment and went to a bar. Just sat and drank cream soda and watched the sports. It helped me calm down a lot, and I felt safer than just going out for a walk in the pitch black. What do you guys think of that? Good idea or bad idea?