[Walking_Dead]

Hello Everyone,

I sit here in my bed today wondering what its going to feel like today. I have so many problems and an undiagnosed condition that is making it harder to cope.

I have come to the conclusion that I have been suffering for a very long time, but just in denial. My relationship has been on eggshells for almost 2 years now and I believe if it weren't for the fact that he loves me, we would have split a long time ago. And the one thing I know for sure is I am so in love with him and don't want to lose another relationship to what I have been avoiding all my life.

I will start with a more recent situation because there is so much that I feel has been a contributing factor to why I am the way I am besides genetics.

I have finally hit rock bottom, my emotions always go back to fear. Fear of people, fear of being alone, fears of losing my 2 children that I do have custody of, fear of losing a man that I believe is my soulmate. I find that I lack motivation, I never complete tasks, and as of late I have hard times getting out of bed just to go to work. All because I let the emptiness and fears exhaust me.

This is how I hit rock bottom. On Dec 21st, I had some sort of trigger. After I had run off the road and had a car accident that morning while trying to drive my children to school, I went home and my b/f helped get things with the car situated. I remember nothing from the time he kissed me goodbye, up until I became self-aware again on Friday Dec 23rd. That night went to a xmas party for my family, happy to be there. Nobody would let me drink though. It took a lot of coercion, and sitting on Santa's lap and requesting a smidgeon of wine. All seemed right with the world to me. Christmas came and went, all things feeling fine. Dec 26th, my b/f finally decides to tell me that I overdosed myself. I couldn't believe him, but I had no memory of the time on Dec. 21 and Dec 22. He told me I wrote him a letter. I read the letter and I still couldn't believe it. I was rationalizing in my head, I was telling myself he wrote it just to scare me. He is like you don't remember anything and I didn't. He was surprised because he said we talked about it. But, not until he brought it up on Dec 26th did I realize the gap in time with my memory. I made Facebook posts begging for someone to come over, that I didn't want to be alone. In that post I asked, Please help me. I also put in a note talking about all the abuse I have been through from grade school and on. About how I had no friends except one that has never made me feel used. I then made another post basically cursing it all and stating that I didn't care anymore, and I would show them. All stuff I read, none of which I remember. My b/f told me that he had to come home from work early because he received a call from my nephew that told him he had to come home. I found out that I was on the phone with my mother, talking crazy about wanting to hurt myself, and that I didn't know how many ativan and klonopin I was drinking amaretto sours. I told her it all. One of my other nephews heard the conversation, had my mom ask for my b/f's number, and then got on the phone with me. He was telling my mom that she should call 911 for me, but my mother didn't. My nephew stayed on the phone with me until my b/f got home. My b/f told him he was going to monitor my condition before deciding if he should have me admitted.Bless him because if I were admitted, I would have lost my kids because of being unstable. He also showed me a letter I wrote to my 10 year old daughter telling her that if she couldn't wake me to call a list of people, but not her father. Apparently she didn't see that one, which I am grateful. I left a post-it on the door telling her to just come in, since I unlocked the door, and to make sure her brother got off the bus safely, followed by I love you always.

Never in my life did I feel so ashamed of myself as a person. I was always one of those people who felt I would never try suicide because I didn't want to hurt the ones I love and I didn't feel I had the courage to do so. And to this very moment I still believe that if I could remember how I felt before I committed the acts, if I was self-aware, I would never had done something so selfish. How I let myself not care about those around me who do love me. The pain I would have put my children and b/f through. The pain I would have put everyone who cared about me through.

I have cried almost everyday since because of the shame and cowardice that I feel. I have called people I love to apologize for being selfish, and cried to them. And that is what I am today. All tears and sadness. I could have easily picked up the phone and reached out to as many people in my large family that there is until I found someone to talk to. But no, I try to end my life.

I am currently taking 300mg of wellbutrin and being weaned off zoloft by my GP, and asked that I no longer use klonopin, that xanax 0.5mg would most likely be better. Even now though with things I have compare my symptoms to, I know that I need to see a specialist. I am making those appts today.

My New Year's Resolution for 2012 is to get well. And I hope that sharing with you, it will help take some of the edge off until I get to see the right doctors. I am still feeling somewhat unstable.

I appreciate you letting me bend your ear.

[Laura88]

Good for you on taking the steps on helping youself! Good luck and keep us posted.

[Elvisfan]

I pray that happiness will find you in the New Year One Day At A Time. I know what you are feeling but if you reach out it does help the mind Take care

[Pumpkin200876]

I am so happy that you are looking at getting the help you need. The road ahead of you won't be easy but if keep moving in this direction your life WILL change for the better. It is inevitable. Good luck.