[di meliora]

Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.” (Brené Brown)

Another TED talk by Brene Brown. Shame is a perplexity we all face.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown..._to_shame.html

[runningnun]

This is a fantastic talk, I've found it really helpful. Since shame underlies so many of our issues, her perspectives are useful to so many people.
runningnun- 1WReUnI

[Gus1234U]

i believe shame is a toxic and disempowering response to the personal and social awareness of responsibility. in as much as we immediately take action to repair any damage, or rebuild broken links, we wash away the shame of real or imagined unskillful behaviors. thanks for bringing this topic up for discussion~ Gus

[Open Eyes]

Oh, di meliora, thank you for posting this. It brought me to tears to be honest.

One of my ongoing dilemma's has been that people often misunderstand me somehow. When I joined PC I was seeking support because I really was not getting it at home or from my family or even my friends. But the other reason was that I was constantly told that I was very misunderstood. I thought somehow that if I was just anonymous and joined PC and simply just "put myself out there" perhaps somehow I could see "why I was so misunderstood".

I was getting a glimpse of it, however I really still didn't quite understand it to be honest. I thought, "how could I change me so I am not so misunderstood?". Unfortunately, because I am also dealing with a very troubling case of PTSD, and I have truely been struggling with that as well, getting an answer to my question has not truely been easy. Between the medication I was taking along with really struggling with crippling anxiety attacks etc. This being me here was a bit of a challenge. Well I learned that by having some members recognize things about my posts that I had not recognized because of my struggle with the PTSD along with the side effects of the Klonopin I was taking. In the beginning my posts were described to me as informative however hard to sometimes follow because they were like a locomotion. And I even had members seem to know when I was doing better because of the way I was posting which indicated that I was slowing down and making more sense. I was amazed that the couple of members that approached me were actually paying attention and noticing this. And the other critique was that my posts were too long. And yes, I did know that somehow I have truely never mastered some kind of quick response to others when I am addressing their problems and trying to help problem solve somehow.

But there was something else I noticed in my time here in PC. I noticed that I was much more comfortable posting to other's problems and questions then I was at asking my own questions. When it came to ME asking a question or sharing a concern, it was painfully hard and truely uncomfortable for me. I would try to MAKE myself try, but somehow it just never came out right and the responses I got were sometimes critical and it seemed like I was not believed somehow. And that was something I was experiencing outside PC as well.

It took me a long time to understand WHY that happened to me. And I have come to realize that most of my life, I was taught to NOT COMPLAIN, JUST DEAL, WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR "YOUR PROBLEMS" just be QUIET AND GET ALONG. And somehow I developed the skill of understanding somehow that as long as I was GIVING to others and DEALING AND RECOGNIZING THEIR PROBLEMS, I would be fine. But I knew what it felt like to suffer in quiet and to hurt and not really feel like I had the right to speak up. So, somehow I developed the skill for not just GIVING to others, but also knowing intimately WHAT THEY NEEDED.

While I was listening to this speach, I realized that what I HAD done was create an image where because I became so good at addressing and understanding the struggles of others, WELL then, I must be very strong and beyond suffering myself. And when Berne Brown talks about where real creativity comes from, well, that was always something that abounded in me. And even that was often misunderstood as coming more from having more courage somehow then others. But it wasn't that at all.

When I DID break, and I did badly, NO ONE BELIEVED ME. No one believed that this strong person who helped everyone else DEAL somehow, was the person who would BREAK the MOST. And it became more and more obvious that what others really wanted WAS THEIR ROCK BACK THAT WAS SO STRONG that THEY could depend on ME to GIVE to THEM what THEY NEEDED. Even my best friend was so angry when I could not listen to her problems and needs, that now I had my own needs. She got so mean and angry and so much so that she blew up at me in a restaurant one night. It was awful, extremely embarassing, and because I was already stuggling so much, it crippled me to where I don't even know HOW I made it home that night. It was all about how for some reason I WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO "HER". And the sad part is that that night I had to work really hard at picking myself up to TAKE "Her"
to dinner at this VERY EXPENSIVE restaurtant because THAT is what SHE WANTED for HER BIRTHDAY. And her constant question is "when are you going to stop luxuriating in YOUR problems and get back to ME!" And that is what EVERYONE WAS ASKING ME. And the other word that was a constant was "JUST". "Just" get over whatever is bothering you so you can get back to running the show so WE can do what WE need to do. Shame?, oh I was so ashamed that I could not "Just" somehow that I was dangerously close to believing that because I was now a problem and I could not seem to fix it, that others would be better and could get on with FILLING THEIR NEEDS if I was out of the picture.

The only place I could somehow be that part of me that could reach out and still help others somehow was here in PC. Only, I now knew intimately how truely difficult it was to "JUST" somehow. I was trying so hard to get back that person that used to be able to "JUST" some how and when I saw I could somehow do it here, I worked very hard at it. I can see it now in the locomotion of thoughts that started here, to long posts that were trying so hard, to the list of friends to the way I seem to need to repeat certain phrases. Yesterday I noticed how much I had repeated the message of how with PTSD people do not seem to understand that people who suffer with PTSD cannot seem to "Just" GET OVER IT, DEAL, GET IT TOGETHER AND MOVE ON. And this is NOT my invention, it is what I have learned about the disorder itself.

However I have also noticed that because I DO reach out to others, because it had become so ingrained in me and that I did understand the need itself so intimately, it was often thought even here that if I CAN know it, then I must not suffer as I say I am suffering. And the passion I DO have IS misunderstood ALOT.

Sometimes I get asked why I like certain people, even though that person may make mistakes or lack in certain ways. I guess my answer would be, because I know intimately what it feels like to be misunderstood. And I also know that it can be hard to understand it ourselves and even know how to change that.

Thank you so much for this informative lecture di meliora. It really hit home with me. I have appreciated all the things you have posted in my time here at PC. It has been so helpful to me. I truely do appreciate your input here at PC, you have always provided me with food for thought.

Open Eyes