Very long, can be triggering but it's what i have to face right now and i feel alone

I'm writing this because I just don't know what to do anymore and I just want to give up on everything including life. This isn't easy for me anymore to write all this down so please bear with me and know that I have written this in bits at a time because it's really painful for me and all I have been doing is bottling it up but I can't take any more of this so here goes nothing....

Ok I wrote a thread or 2 for my friend and her husband, the one who as cancer who I have been really cut up about because he has been rushed into hospital about 4 times now and each time we nearly lost him and his wife hasn't known what to do with herself, he is her world and best friend and she can't lose him yet. With all the prayers people have said for him and her are helping....he is back home and still fighting. Which I’d like to thank you all who have said a prayer for them!! I'm really grateful to you all even though I haven't seemed like I have been, just still struggling with everything and hopefully after this post you will be able to understand why and I am sorry if I upset or offended/affened anyone. They both mean a lot to me and they are meant to be re-newing their wedding vows in August, so for so good with that, just need him to keep fighting....which he is doing. My friend asked me to be one of her bridesmaids and I said I would be, she got the dress she wants me to wear, I have my shoes I’ll be wearing, the underwear I’ll be wearing too (it's a strapless dress) so we have the things for her and her husband’s special day.

Well here is the thing, I said I would be her bridesmaid because they both mean so much to me and I’d do anything for them both....and I mean anything!! I want to swap places with him so him and his wife will still have more years together. I even wish it was me who had the cancer and not him. It's hard seeing them like this but they are both fighting. Anyway....I have this Auntie (I’ll call her x so it's easier to type) we both go to the same church, have been at the same one for about 4 to 5 years now and this is where we both know my friend and her husband (well it's our friend and her husband but never mind) well when we started going to church we were on talking terms and did get along really well. My Uncle who was married to x became ill with Lung Cancer, I did my very best to be there for her, I couldn't see my Uncle much while he was ill because we got told if we were ill not to go see him so when I was ill I stayed away like I was asked too, then at college (when I was at college) a girl who I knew had died of an illness and that illness if I did have a little of it could have killed my Uncle so both x and my mom told me not to go so I didn't go (I can't actually remember what that illness was now it was a while ago and my brain isn't like it used to be) My Uncle had 4 years of cancer before he passed away which was more than what the doctor said he would live for. Anyway when he got really bad x told me to go and see him and say goodbye, so I stayed with her all night and most of the day then my cousin came and sat with her while I went home to sleep because I didn't get any sleep and I was very tired.

At 5am the next morning I got a message of my cousin saying he had passed away. We had his service and everything and because I knew she would be alone I went down every day after college without fail and my routine was, get up at 7am for college at 9am, finish at college at 4pm then go down to x's house and she didn't take me home till 2 or 3am and I was up again at 7am for college so I wasn't getting much sleep at all but I still did it every day without fail till I got that drained and tired I ended up going to see my doctor and she told me I HAD to rest, I was over worked and really tired but I told her I couldn't rest I had to be there and she said if I didn't rest she'd put me into hospital to rest because I was no good for anyone. So I did what I was told. I stopped going down and rested (even my tutors at college was worried about me because of how I was going) So once I stopped going down to her house, I still didn't feel 100% but I started going back down to see her and how she was then my other Auntie who is my favourite Auntie and she has always been my favourite out of the 5 I have, she got Cancer....breast cancer and that brought it all back with my Grandma who had died with breast cancer and I didn't want to lose this Auntie the same way I lost my Grandma, my Auntie told me not to worry and she would be fine but I couldn't help but worry....I didn't want to lose her. My auntie is x's sister, they are on my mom's side, my dad doesn't have any siblings so all Aunties are on my mom's side.

While my Auntie was fighting her cancer (bear in mind that she wasn't the only auntie who had the cancer.....3 Aunties had it but this auntie I’m talking about had it the worse than the other two) Well while she was being treated and getting better x was nice and asking about her (even though till my Auntie got this cancer x and my Auntie wasn't talking) But x rang my Auntie up to see how she was and things and sometimes it was my Uncle she talked to because Auntie was in hospital....while my Auntie was in hospital I didn't see her, I was too far away to go see her which was even harder for me because I couldn't be there for her like I would have loved to have been. I started to get really depressed and started to feel and act differently....it was all just too much for me, I was showing signs something wasn't right for years and it wasn't till my Auntie got cancer that I went to talk to my doctor about how I felt for her to say it was depression and put me on pills. So with me having college and everything (doctor’s appts) my Auntie told me to carry on and make her proud so again I did what I was told. My Auntie recovered it!! She is doing great...she just needs to be careful now and I pray she won’t get it again because if she does they have told her she won’t survive it again. Well with her being better, it was one of my brothers birthday and my mom's (my mom had him on her birthday) and x came to the little party we had, well me and my brothers (so all us siblings were in the kitchen....I have 2 older brothers....I’m the baby of the family) and x came into the kitchen, me and my brothers were talking but she interrupted us and started calling my Auntie who had only just gotten over Cancer and I wanted to rip into her for it because I nearly could have lost her and while she was fighting it, x was nice to and about my Auntie but because she was better x thought she could call her in front of me KNOWING that it would upset me (plus I was really depressed and the meds I was on wasn't working) and that I’d want to shout at her for it, my oldest brother, the oldest out of all 3 of us told me not to, it wasn't worth it, she wasn't worth it. So I left it like he said to but she really hurt me with what she said.

Anyway, my mom as a massive mouth and whatever you tell her she will tell who ever it is about. So because x had left the party I started getting annoyed that I let her walk out without saying anything and I had ago at my brother for stopping me my mom heard us and so when she went to see my Auntie she told her what x had said about her so my Auntie fell out with x because of the nasty things she said and since then x has been making my life hell because she blames me for it, when really it was my mom and not me. So x stopped talking to me, made me choose between her and my Auntie (which there wasn't really much compo) so I didn't choose x, I choose my Auntie so x told me that I had p!ssed on my chips (something that people say when they don't want to know a person anymore) and hasn't talked to me since (it's been over a year now since she stopped talking to me and all this kicked off) But to say she doesn't want to know me anymore she is ALWAYS talking about me to others.

She asks my mom loads of questions, I won’t let her come to my flat or even let her know where I live or anything and I told my parents if they tell her anything I don't want to know them anymore and I will cut them off but again my mom can't keep her mouth shut and I’m betting she tells x everything I tell her (which is just health wise really...been really ill and no one can figure out what's wrong with me....doctor wise that is!! but I told my mom I didn't want her knowing anything and I never ask about x because of what she said and done to me. Anyway x has tried a few times to try and turn people against me, she turned some of my cousins against me so they don't talk to me anymore and I don't get to see them anymore either. Some cousin's I do see now and again.

Well the point of this is yesterday x told my friend (our friend) that she isn't going to the blessing because I’m one of her bridesmaids and I’m going to be there....my friend (our friend) went to x's house to convince her to go but because I’m going she isn't so she is telling my friend (our friend) that it's either her or me....x can drive and I can’t so while my friend (our friend) needed to go to the hospital to see her husband x took her so really x has done more than me because I haven't been able too. So to save my friend choosing, I’m going to tell her I can't be her bridesmaid anymore and that I can't go to her blessing so she doesn't have to choose between us. I didn't/don’t want her to have to choose BUT there is nothing more I can do, I have tried to talk to x about 5 times now and all the times I have tried she as ignored me like I wasn't there, she wouldn't even look at me and she told my mom that she wasn't going to talk to me till she is ready but she is causing a lot of hurt for me and making people hate me. Even this friend....she has tried with her TWICE!!!! To make her hate me/me to think she hated me.

I just don't have any more options. I stopped going to church and started a new one but missed all my church family, I’d go back to visit now and again when I thought I needed them most but she's even tried to drive me out. Even the growth group (mid-week small groups meet up to talk about what was preached on the Sunday) She made me feel really unwelcome there too and she was in a different one to me till she fell out with me then she just turned up so I wouldn't say anything with her there. She wouldn't even sit next to me when there was only a seat next to me left...she asked for another chair so I asked it swap with someone to save them getting another chair out just for her childishness but that hurt!! So really there is nothing I can do....I have tried!!

And now I’m at my wits end with all of this because I have to try and get up the courage to go and tell my friend I’m not going to be there at her special day due to me not wanting her to choose between x and me especially when x has done far more than me because I can't drive!! Also to tell her to forget me and act like she never knew me and to cut me out of her life. And I have to tell her all this without crying, getting upset and showing her that it hurts me to say it to her and that I won’t be there.

My health is going downhill; my mental illness seems to be getting worse and nothing is working, meds, therapy nothing!! My doctor just doesn't know what to do anymore but she isn't giving up on me. I last saw her on Thursday and while I was there she took some blood for a blood test, I got a call Friday morning (yesterday) about making an appt to see my doctor again soon because my bloods are back, and within less than 24 hours it took!! (Normally it takes a week!! So something must be going on for me to have to see her again but then again my doctor told me to go see her again in a week so I had already booked an appt with her after seeing her for the following week Thursday so when they called I told the receptionist that I had already booked an appt with my doctor so she said fine, that will be fine....so I have to wait...what joy...not) She also told me she wants me to see a friend of hers who is a "special" Doctor ha that's one way of saying "you're crazy and off your mind and need more than I can offer you but my friend can do more for you".

Oh well, i think i have said what i have to face right now but there is a lot more but right now i can't write anymore and this is already long and has taken a lot out of me. I'm just a lost cause that shouldn't be here

i am so sorry you are going through all this. please know i am thinking of you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

(((iamspecial))) - firstly I'm very sorry you're not feeling well physically and very upset emotionally. Family stuff and grudges can really get out of hand. This is how I would handle it. First off, your aunt sounds extremely immature and selfish - she needs to stop acting like a kid and be an aunt. I'm happy your friends husband is doing better with the cancer and they're going to making this last pledge of love. This is their day....not your aunts or anyone elses. Your friend asked you to be in her wedding, therefore you should go and participate. That also goes for any other family function where your aunt is.

Tell your friend to tell your aunt - ["this is my special day and I won't be given an ultimatum. You (the aunt) is welcome to attend, if she can put aside her differences for that time and I(the friend) won't be forced to choose between you and my friend (iamspecial)"]. You should have a talk with your friend and tell her, you want to be her bridesmaid and no one will ruin this special day for them.

I know family problems can be draining, but try not to let an immature person like this make you not want to live. On the day of the blessing - practice mindfulness and say over and over in your mind - this day is for your friend and her husband...not your aunt". Whether your aunt chooses to go or not is up to her. Pass the ball to your aunts court and hopefully it will hit her in the head and knock some sense into her. In the meantime - I'll be sending positive vibes and sending some "go girl attitude" to you. Hold your head up proud, enjoy that day and support your friends.

((((Iamspecial))))

I agree with Lynn here.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Thank you to all of you!!!! Sorry it's taken me this long to see and reply to your comments, i have only just looked and seen this now. I did go and it was a good day, it rained all day but it was great to be there and with the people i love. Thank you to all of you for your comments, means a lot to me. I haven't been coming on that much. Thank you all again!!!!

I am glad you went. Your aunt x needs to leave you alone. She sounds like a bully to me! Don't let her make you feel bad she is not worth it. But you are! I hope the Dr's get your meds right it can make such a big difference. ((((((((Special)))))))))) Big hugs for you!

Thank you so much for your kind words gma45. Sorry it's taken me this long to read it.