I'm a sacrifice

Why am I so self destructive?
Lemme guess my self esteem that doesn't exist right?

I look in the mirror I see a god.

I look in someone's eyes, I feel I'm scum and ugly.

My self esteem exists only in the comfort of my home, alone in the bathroom mirror. Damn I look good.

I often find myself in fear, peaking out my windows..
I'm an intellectual. I'm to loyal.

I avoid anything and everything that reminds me of any bad experience.
If I can't I will close my eyes, and head. Hide.

I feel like if I do anything against another option, I'm going to summon bad things to come to me. Example.. I leave the toilet seat up, the universe will unfold and my dad will beat my mom. I believe this. Obviously it's not true. But I feel like if I do something one way and not another, something. Mega and bad will be the result.

I let this girl, use me, hurt me, abuse me. She even told me all this. I accepted her, because I got more mental problems then her. I thought I could change those.....things and she would love me. I'm over it. New sweet girl, who knows nothing of my drug addictions and numerous mental problems..

I'm a sacrifice of all these terrible unbearable human emotions... So others don't have to go through any of it. This is my purpose in life. I am so ****ed in the head, so your uncle somebody I don't even know of can live peacefully.

I love ganj, Ritalin, cloneazepam, codeine pramethazine and self loathing.

I truly love life, just wish it loved me.

I'm 6 ft. 308lbs. Sexy voice.

Tears fall as I type this.just being real.

I am a terrible guy for relationships. Paranoia. Jealousy. Attention seeking. Please woman put these at ease.

I wanna watch this world crash and burn. Laugh at you all, **** you. Die.

I'm so sorry you're struggling so. This breaks my heart.

Have you been in therapy? Do you have a therapist? If not, you NEED to see a therapist and soon. Is there any way you can?

Please call your doctor and have him refer you to a good therapist -- he will know who is good, and who you should see. He'll get you in. Please call him as soon as you can, like tomorrow. You need to be seen.

Promise that you'll call? I wish you the very best1!! God bless & please take care & let us know what happens, okay? Hugs, Lee

I been so many times. I don't have insurance anymore. I can't afford it. I got on this site, so I could talk...like therapy.. And let loose, because everyone on here seemed so accepting. Like I said I can't afford it, otherwise I would call.

I really thank you for your post and i will keep everyone updated. I would never lil myself or harm myself with the intentions of ending my life... So nobody worry about that... I'm a great guy, I would never dream of putting my family and friends through such hell. For a selfish action. I'll never be normal. I just want to find peace.

I am glad you are posting here then...I am glad you have an outlet with your words. They express very well what you are going through. And I am sorry you are in so much pain.