[kittycat97]

In what circumstances do we forgive people? Will you guys forgive people who had abused you or hurt you badly?

Tough question. I think forgive means different things to people. What does forgive mean to you? Abuse is intentional... hurt isn't necessarily intentional. It sounds like you're talking about something that happened more than once. That would be a little harder to forgive in any sense of the word.

[Anika.]

I do forgive those who abused me. But I think of forgiveness as not a means to let them off the hook, or a gift to them. It's really about me, I don't want to carry around all the pain forever, or anger, hate, resentment. So I see it as a way to free myself, and let it go. The other person doesn't have to know I forgave them, they don't feel how I feel about it. They might not even think about it, I am the one carrying it around. So to me it really is more abut what is in my own heart and head.

Some people I will forgive and keep in my life, but some I can forgive and not keep in my life at the same time. Some I might tell, and others I will not tell. But I know that holding on to all those feelings keeps me in prison, not them.

[kittycat97]

i also want to stop the hatred towards those who have hurt me but I can't and I don't know how to. How did you manage to do it?

[gon3withth3wend]

I don't really believe in forgiveness. I agree that it means different things to different people. I don't agree with the phrase "forgive but never forget". If I'm thinking about it, I haven't forgiven you. I think of it more the other way around. I can't let thoughts of abuse haunt me every single day, but I'm never going to say what happened was okay, or that it didn't hurt me or change me forever, or that I'd ever feel comfortable with the people that hurt me being around me, or anyone important to me. I just push it out of my mind, but I'm not going to accept or forgive it.

i don't believe in forgiveness either.

they are in the wrong, they can deal with it.. because i'm not wasting my time forgiving them

[kittycat97]

I think forgiveness in this case means looking things at a different perspective or being indifferent towards them by ignoring their existence. We have our own lives to lead. It is not worth it feeling hatred towards such a person.

Originally Posted by kittycat97

I think forgiveness in this case means looking things at a different perspective or being indifferent towards them by ignoring their existence. We have our own lives to lead. It is not worth it feeling hatred towards such a person.

I think that is very healthy and wise. Hate is unhealthy. It means that person still has an impact on your life... an impact that is a negative for you.

[Big Mama]

I forgave the man who raped me. HOW? I saw him years later married to a woman w/ a severly autistic child. He took in that child plus her two other children. He was able to love her and love those little kids and he was so good w/ that little boy who was autistic. So I choose to see the good. He was obviously a good father. He was at a PTA meeting so he cared about all his kids. Well her kids. What happened was a long time ago. I was 15 he was 19 or 20. He was not capable of love when things happened back then. But now 15 years later he is able to feel and show true love and that made all the difference in the world. It shook me to the core to see him at these monthly meetings. I never confrounted him on the issues. He never approached me or showed any emotion towards me from across the room. Finially I approached him and asked how was his mom and dad? How was his brother? It was weird. I am known by others to find the good in everything and to be a giver of second chances. I'm one of those happy perky people setting in a traffic jam that make you just wanna barf because they don't seem bothered by things. Life is to short to hold on to the negative. So forgive. Find the good it makes it so much easier.

[Trippin2.0]

Resentment is the poison I drink to kill my enemies...Something like that.Forgiveness is about you,your journey.The people you choose to forgive,probly couldnt care less,so hating them,only hurts YOU.Forgiveness is NOT saying its okay what you did to me.Its saying,I'm ready to move on.People have a HUGE misconception about hatred. Hatred is not the opposite of love,indifference is.Hatred means that person HAS an effect on you,it means you are TIED to that person.I forgave my abuser, but he doesnt know that

[Lauru]

I wish I were ready to move on. But I am not. I have not properly grieved what happened to me, and I still blame myself, mostly. So I am unable to forgive right now. I would like to say that I might forgive in the future, but honestly, I don;t think I will. I hate him too much. He did horrible things to me, my brothers and sister and my mom. He was evil and did evil things. He is dead and I still hate him and he still is affecting me. Which is sad. I wish I didn;t care about it so much. But I do, I just do. If I could, I would be the one in hell with him torturing him for all eternity. Which also makes me sad that I feel that way. Because I am not like that with anyone else. He just hurt me and my family so badly.

[kittycat97]

It is difficult to put down the hatred towards the person which you have been feeling for so long.

[Anika.]

I forgave by working through my feelings on the abuse first, the forgiveness came later. I don't view forgiveness as saying what happened was ok tho. It was clearly not ok. I dealt with a lot of the emotions in therapy, and outside of it. It does take some amount of acceptance to forgive, however the acceptance is not of the actions, not at all. It is the acceptance that it did happen, that you did not have the choice, that you are not responsible.

Like I said the offender need not even know about it, it doesn't affect them. it does affect you. So it is worth exploring. I am pretty sure the idea of forgiveness as a gift to the other person, forgive and forget.. I think these ideas stem from religion, which I am not putting down, however religion has been known to get ideas a bit misinterpreted.

Hate can be hard to let go of, but hate is pretty toxic. Hate destroys happiness, not theirs but yours. Letting go of these things does not mean you like the person, are ok with what they did, or condone it any way. It just means you are ready and want to let it stay in the past, where it belongs. This is now, not then, it is over. You have the power to leave it in the past, or keep it alive in your now and future. I guess I finally decided I had enough suffering and no longer needed to take part in abusing myself either. Which is how I see holding onto these feelings and thoughts, like self torture.

I just want content and peace in my life, hate and anguish, resentment, don't bring either of those things, they are not the right side kicks for that job.

Of course this is just my opinion.

I hope you can find your way through it, so that you can find the peace within yourself that you deserve.

[kittycat97]

I really want to forgive people but whenever I think of what they did to me, I feel disgusted and angry.

[Anika.]

Are you getting any therapy or help to work through all these feelings? That is where I would start, I did some therapy, and a lot on my own. It's a slow process.

[krisakira]

Originally Posted by kittycat97

In what circumstances do we forgive people? Will you guys forgive people who had abused you or hurt you badly?

No.

.
.
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[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Anika.

I guess I finally decided I had enough suffering and no longer needed to take part in abusing myself either. Which is how I see holding onto these feelings and thoughts, like self torture.

Thank you. I never thought of it this way before. But I really am abusing me. I have simply taken over what he started. I hope someday I can stop abusing me and forgive myself.

[Anika.]

Hey Lauru,

Remember when we talked about becoming friends with your child you, teen you, adult you. I think you are right here, forgive yourself first and foremost, and then you will be able to befriend those other you's ? I think it would be really hard to forgive if you are not able to forgive yourself first.

You owe it to yourself tho. You have been held hostage enough by this person. Maybe sometimes letting go is hard and scary. It's what we know, scary to not blame yourself, if you don't know what the opposite of that looks like. You didn't do what he did, you are not at fault.

I hope you can forgive yourself, I don't know about forgiving yourself for other actions tho, you might just need to give yourself understanding. If you were abused by someone else, there isn't something you need forgiven of.

[Thunder Bow]

Originally Posted by kittycat97

i also want to stop the hatred towards those who have hurt me but I can't and I don't know how to. How did you manage to do it?

Anger is the result of Abuse in all cases. Examine how anger plays a role in your life, are you always re-enforcing it? Look at how you do that. Letting go of Anger will set you free.

[AngelWolf3]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Letting go of Anger will set you free.

I am slowly learning to agree with this. For me I am also in a place of trying to forgive the person that changed my life negatively. I have found that the hate is trapping me, keeping me caged. Forgiving him does not condone what he did to me, nor does it forget, but I am hoping it will help me heal. I try to remember the forgiveness is not about HIM but about me. And forgiveness, in my opinion, does not mean reconciliation; I don't have to forge a relationship with him or anything in anyway or let him in my life. (never knew the guy anyway, lol)

I hope you can find a way to forgive, too...when/if you choose to!

[kittycat97]

I think I think to cope with the trauma of being abused first before forgiving the abuser...