Problems (Adult Self/Feelings vs Child Self/Feelings)

I've been in therapy for several years now and feel stuck in a certain dilemma. I don't have DID according to my t - I have Complex PTSD and GAD. However, I have a pretty significant dissociation between what I'd call my adult side and my child sides. They feel like night and day to me. I don't lose time - I am aware when I switch. But I seem unable to control the switch. I also find it very hard to be in "both" an adult state and child state at the same time. It is usualy one way, or the other.

For the last while now, my t has been working with me to try to hold my adult mind in the present, while at the same time accessing the child parts with their traumatic memories. Her hope has been that when the pain hits, my adult side can kick in and provide relief to the parts of me that hold past pain.

I did start to make a little bit of headway holding them both in mind at the same time, as long as the child state did not merge with the adult state and fill me with unbearable pain. Whenever I got close to getting overwhelmed with pain, my t had me ask that pained part to "step away" enough so that the adult state could maintain composure and continue talking/processing the memory. A few times, it worked.

But after a little bit of success, it wasn't long before I got completely engulfed with the pain and could not bring myself out of it or rescue the child part of me from the pain. This is always where i get stuck.

When the pain gets too bad to endure it, if I can't get myself out of it, I want my t to jump in and soothe me with words, and with physical comfort if it takes that to keep me from feeling retraumatized. But i have a hard time asking for what i need, and while my t would comfort me, I know she would rather have me learn to do it for myself.

Because of this, about 3-4 months ago, I had a particularly painful session where my adult side disappeared, and I was stuck in the trauma state. I was not able to get out of it, and my t did not step in to stop the pain or rescue me either. The result was that i felt totally like I had relived the trauma all over again. It felt just like it did as a child when I suffered and nobody noticed or helped me. Since then, I have felt totally disappointed with myself and my t. I'm afraid to do "any" work with old traumas or child parts of me now. For now, we are just going over DBT skills in the DBT book.

The problem with this is that the DBT book only engages the reasonable adult side of me. That part of me is happy and fine with staying in the book and not doing parts work. In fact, the adult part of me is exhausted, fed up, and feel incapable of dealing with my trauma and my parts that hold pain. I don't want to do it anymore. In fact, I feel that i would like those painful parts that hold pain to just disappear, like they were gone before I ever had my breakdown.

The problem is that they never really "go away." I can cut them out of my awareness for awhile, but they eventually find a way to show up again. Like yesterday at my session, we were doing the DBT book. I was totally in my adult self, feeling fine, no pain, no neediness, nothing. But at the end of the session, my t asked me what else I needed from her before ending the session. Immediately, i started crying. I knew it was those child parts showing up. They were crying because they have been feeling left out, ignored, and not able to connect with my t or be comforted -- ever since I decided not to work with them anymore, to just stay in the DBT book. I guess it has been about a couple of months now that I have kept this whole part of me pushed away.

I am doing better without them. I don't feel the old pain. I don't need to email t between sessions. I don't feel separation pain when I miss a session. But then they show up again unexpectedly. . .with their separation pain, and their missing my t, and missing her comforting words and being with her. I don't know what to do!

I can't go back to doing "parts" work because my adult self does not have the strength and skills to heal the pain that the child parts hold. As i said, i tried that awhile back, and i ended up feeling so retraumatized I almost quit therapy completely. For whatever reason, i just can't heal my own pain, and I don't want to keep asking my t to soothe/comfort/rescue me when I know i need to learn it for myself.

If anybody understands what i am talking about, please reply! I need some advice on what to do.

Thanks,
Peaches