The Christmas shopping is all done. Half the gifts are wrapped. But, there are several events that are going to make Christmas very, very difficult this year.

One of my brothers was admitted to rehab today. He will be in the hospital about a week and then transferred to a rehab center. I do not know how long he will be there. He is a mess and wants to die. He is an alcoholic and has been one on and off for many years. There is also a chance that he is bipolar and/or manic depressive. Like me, he may also suffer from PTSD.

I am caring for my elderly mother in all this. Mom has been a mess for decades - actually, since I met her - and she is not taking this well. She keeps asking me, "what did I do wrong." I don't have the heart to tell her, "almost everything."

A nephew is ill with a brain infection. He has been sick for several months now. My youngest brother and his wife are scared, as are all of us.

In all of this, I have been asked to temp on Sunday. I need the money but am going to have to decline so that I can visit with mom, put up a Christmas tree for her and take my ill brother's girlfriend - the one who got him to go to rehab - out to lunch.

Through all of this, I am dealing with my own issues. I have PTSD and have numerous attacks all day. I start therapy tomorrow night. I can only afford to go once a month as I am on SSDI. I guess it's better than nothing but I know that it's not enough. I was hoping to discuss my own issues but these other problems will now also come up. I have had some suicidal feelings of late and some serious GI problems too. I am a mess but somehow have to find the emotional strength to hang in there.

[roads]

I was hoping to discuss my own issues but these other problems will now also come up.

When I read this after everything else in your post, I was struck by one of my "moments" when a brief, often-experienced event from my life instantly replays in my mind. In this case, it was from those pre-flight instructions where they tell you to always put your oxygen mask on first--so you don't pass out before you can help others.
Maybe you ought to make the once-monthly therapy all about strengthening you. It's not a selfish thing ... it's the same principle as the oxygen mask.

Sending you best thoughts, gentle hugs ...
Roadie

[Leed]

Bless your heart - You''re incredibly STRONG!!! I hope you know this! To be able to cope like you're doing, thru all this and still hold it together -- you're doing GREAT !!

I just have clinical depression -- but if I had to cope with everything that YOU are dealing with, I think I'd really LOSE it. I'm PROUD of you!! I know it must be hard on you, but I think you're doing incredibly well.

Make SURE when you go to therapy that you talk about your SI feelings, okay? That's the most IMPORTANT thing right now. But just remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things aren't always going to be this way. Things ALWAYS change. And they HAVE to change for the better. So please try to get rid of those feelings -- you are definitely NEEDED and you're an important person. A vital human being -- a very good person and a very GIVING person. There aren't many "out there" like you. You're a peach.

So please take good care of yourself, okay? And I hope we hear more from you. Let us know how things go. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

Well, I am hanging in there but am frozen in my emotions and actions, and am not getting much done. I am going to hopefully get dressed now and do the laundry. I am really hating my life. Therapy is tonight at 8 PM. I am one of those people for whom therapy is needed as a cathartic effect to get the sick thoughts out of my mind. However, as far has healing me, that does not seem to be possible. I will always be mentally ill and all therapy can do is function as an emotional relief valve.

I am unable to show my mother any warmth despite her crying over my brother. She was totally cold when I was growing up. I bite my tongue and instead of saying this happened because you were awful, I just say comforting words. I have informed relatives who will call her. She will be mad at me for doing that but I hope the attention and talking will help her.

I am a very emotionally sick man myself. No one is taking care of me. The prospects are excellent that I will die alone never having had a loved one. I try to take solace that the mental sickness of my family will die with me and not be passed on to others as my mother (and the relatives on her side of the family) has passed her mental issues on to most of her children. Time to do the laundry.

[lynn P.]

(((unhappyguy))) - my goodness this is a lot of family stress with your brother in rehab and very ill nephew. I pray both will be better soon. I agree with Roadie's example - please realize you're not superman and take care of yourself too. Its admirable to make the effort to be strong but save yourself. I don't know if your mom made you feel like you have to fix things.

All this is also at Christmas, which can be a source of stress in dysfunctional families. I really don't like Christmas - too much pressure. You can only do so much and its okay to say no. I'm sorry you feel your life is lonely and I wish this would change. Parents have so much influence over their kids and its sad when it goes wrong. Give yourself a break and don't overload yourself.

[Timgt5]

One of the side effects of Holidays like Christmas is that it can serve to amplify difficulties in life, I have a friend going through depression from being alone and estranged from family.

Yours unhappyguy is long term struggle with a lot of things, and it can often be difficult to see anything positive in front of you. Just remember each day is an opportunity to move forward, sometimes you have to forget the big picture of your life and focus on trying to improve the small things you can control, take time to notice those things which you do accomplish (such as sticking with your therapy) and keep reminding yourself of them.

Also remember that you have little control over what happens to others. Your brother's rehab is a second chance in life, only he can decide to make it actually work. Your mom is a bit of a balancing act, I can understand your frustration, I did not have good parents either, not abusive, just unable to understand how to raise someone, I have since reconciled my differences with them as an adult, but it is a long process. If she asks, it may be good to simply frame it in terms of how you felt growing up. I think if she understands the actual impact her influence had on you, then she may be more open to listening to what you have to say.

I know its all hard my friend, but keep hanging in there, you have found the courage to address your issues, there will be set backs along the way and days where you have to measure progress by the inch, but I encourage you to keep moving forward. Take care of you first and foremost.

My best to you as you get through this season. I hope you find the solace you seek and that things will get better for you.

(((unhappyguy))) ...

We are still waiting for the results of a brain scan of my nephew. Hopefully, we will get them today.

I got my days mixed up - my T session is tonight. It's at 8 PM - a strange time for a T session. It always feels awkward having evening therapy sessions.

I will be travelling to see Mom on Friday and Sunday (and also possibly on Monday and Tuesday). She has always hated the holidays and has been throwing tantrums since I was a small child when it came to holiday preparations. Mom makes decisions based only on how she feels emotionally. Often her decisions are announced in shouts. She is so far refusing to decide where she will spend Christmas. My youngest brother has several children and she has been invited to stay over their house on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It appears she will decline and stay home alone, meaning that I will have to alter my plans and visit with her on both days. While her stove works, her oven has been broken for months and I am not sure what I will eat if I have to spend the holiday with her. Why she would choose to not spend the holidays with her grandchildren mystifies me. It seems that anything that reminds her she is old is a problem. Her grandchildren will be very disappointed if she does not show up for Christmas. And, they will miss me too.

So, as of now. I have a brother who rehab who says he wants to be dead. A mother who says she wants to be dead. And, they are both making my life complicated and miserable, and I am not far behind them. Of course, I never tell either of them my problems. (Mom, of course, would only yell if I even tried!) As one of my T's once said to me after telling him of my family, "How are you still alive?" In retrospect, he was an awful therapist.

Sharing some thoughts on those parts I can comment on:

I have seen people who went through very tough circumstances... one of them ended up in surprisingly good shape, and the other had a much harder time coping. I'm trying to think of what the main factors might be in each case.

The one who struggled was not literally alone, but I think the people around him didn't understand how to help him. They meant well, but they had no clue. They said things that pointed him in the wrong direction--they discouraged him from seeking meds, for example.

I also think he was in a social group where risky behaviors were considered a sign of spiritual health. (Living free and wild = cool; living a slower, less extreme life = uncool). (I'm not saying there is no place in a healthy life for unconventional pleasures... I'm no Puritan... but the social scene this person was in was very heavily off balance.)

The one who emerged strong is someone who seems to have learned what kind of work makes him happy, and he pursues it uncompromisingly. In terms of lifestyle, his pleasures are, well, legal, and unconventional yet still within the realm of socially acceptable. He is also blessed with a lot of energy... and he keeps in touch with many people, makes friends easily.

Both of these men would readily confess that their moms were unsupportive and their dads were mean. Both men put geographical distance between themselves and their parents. That by itself wasn't the key factor, though...

I should mention that I don't know anything about your personal history or your past posts on PC... so none of the above is intended as a commentary on you personally. Your post just got me thinking. I hope you get some chances this week to relax, and keep on reaching out to the people here! Humans are social beings. Don't give up on reaching out.

(((((unhappyguy)))))

[yellowted]

((((hugs unhappyguy)))))

[sunsetsunrise]

(((( unhappyguy ))) You sure do have a lot going on with family to care for. I hope there will be a way to tend to yourself. I hope the therapy sessions help you. You sure deserve that !!!!!!!!

[roads]

Did you get the results for your nephew?
((((((( unguy )))))))

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. The MRI on my nephew found nothing, meaning it could be the lingering affects of a virus or psychosematic. I understand his mother had a talk with him today. She is a softie and needs to make sure he is not using this as an excuse to miss school.

My alcoholic brother was released from the hospital today. His girlfriend got him to go to an AA meeting today. I will call tonight to find out if there are plans for him to go to a rehab center for a period of time to better learn how to deal with his issues. Mom refuses to let my middle brother visit because he is a mean drunk and they had many arguments when he was there. I left his Christmas gift at Mom's house and am not sure how he will get it. He was not invited to spend the holiday with the rest of us due to his angry behavior. I think I was the only one to buy him a Christmas gift. I also left gifts for his girlfriend.

There are other issues but I will spare you the details. Tomorrow, Christmas Eve, I will be doing some baking for the first time in years. I'll be doing easy things - corn bread and brownies from mixes, and cookies from scratch.

Christmas morning I will be taking mass transit to my youngest brother's home. I have 4 shopping bags of gifts to carry plus wine and bakery breads. Wish me luck!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Merry Christmas everyone! Thanks for your thoughts and good wishes.

My middle brother is out of hospital rehab. He will not be going to a formal rehab place as his hospital counselor does not think it's necessary. The family strongly disagrees. Mom has banned him from her house because of his acting out; he is living with his girlfriend. I am in touch with her and I will research Ts online for him once I am advised of his insurance plan. Why his hospital counselor did not give him recommendations is beyond me.

Somehow, I managed to do some baking tonight including corn bread (with jalapenos), brownies with coconut and date/walnut bars. I have a 9:45 AM train to my youngest brother's to celebrate the holiday with his family. I packed the heaviest gifts into a piece of rolling luggage! The light gifts are in shopping bags. I have 3 shopping bags PLUS the luggage. There will be at least 2 bottles of wine in the luggage, adding significant weight! Somehow, I will make it and survive.

I will get through the day. I will call my middle brother to wish him a MC. Merry Christmas!

Hope you're doing OK!

[unaluna]

Yeah we want a status report. Hope you're alright.

Originally Posted by hankster

Yeah we want a status report. Hope you're alright.

I survived! The day was exhausing. There were still family issues but we avoided discussion of them and pretended they did not exist. The kids has a nice time and plenty of presents!! It was hell lugging out all the packages but I made it.

We left phone messages for my middle brother which he and his girlfriend did not return. I had a little too much wine but did not overeat or overdo the desserts! I had to leave early because Mom wanted to go home and, fortunately, my youngest brother drove us to her house. I then took mass transit from there.

I am glad the holiday is over. There are still many unresolved issues. I am trying to find a T for my middle brother and have obtained his insurance info. I am first trying to find out if he has a PCP. In addition to my middle brother's issues (alcoholism and possible bi-polar and manic depressive), I also have to deal with Mom's issues (depression and procrastination), my sister-in-law's issues (controlling of husband and other adults but being controlled by her children) and, of course, my issues (too long to list here)! I continue to be less than productive when it comes to my life. I will do what I can for the others but still need to make progress with my own life and that is not happening though it should be my top priority. I know it but . . . I just don't like the options that life affords me and I am tired of repeated failure despite good efforts. I lack social skills and social intuition. I have raised myself as best as I could and it just isn't good enough to succeed professionally or socially.

Someone here on PC said "You are stronger than you think; we all are." You sound like a remarkably strong person. And you seem to be doing quite a lot to try and help people around you, just be sure to keep sight of your own needs too. Maybe that's not something you need reminders about, but I will say it just in case. Hugs!