[justmemaybe]

When I was here before. I came to this site because I had ptsd. Due to my parents passing away 28 days apart.
I was also dealing with my son who has PDD. A not so good marriage either. We stayed together for my kids. We did thou sleep apart for 15 yrs.
I came back as I have said because life went so bad with him and I.
It appears here im always happy. IRL. I try to let ppl think that.
But its not true. Other wise I wont be at the bar at 3 . So im not in this house at that time. Hence the song blown away.
My kids are all grown up. I made sure I got he house because my kids still live with me. Thank god for that.
I still care for my son. Meaning pay his bills.
Two of my best friends own the bar , that's why im safe there.
Most days I cant even think. I cook , I clean , I make sure everyone is taken care of.
Like a robot. I must be a happy one. Cause I don't want anyone to know. I am too proud.
The R thing did me in. That was the end of me.
Someone said to me yesterday. How can I be so happy. Look at me Im not.
Then they said how respectable my ex is.
I looked at them and said " really" The man who had cheated on me for yrs. Who hit me. Who R me. Who doesn't talk to his own kids. The man who wanted to kill me and himself and leave us dead in the house for the kids to find us. Ive said all this before. Just in different places on here.
I had to call my daughter home that day. My best friend too . She was here in minutes. Worst day of my life.
I don't even know how to deal with what I feel. Anger........
I just look at the ground and feel like dirt. Like I have so often.

[allimsaying]

No one should be made to feel like dirt. I know how things in life happen that can make us feel that way. I wish they didnt happen, but they do. I believe you know you arent meant to stay in the dirt. This post, all your posts, your daily attitude, your smile and the sunshine you attempt to bring others shows you dont believe in a face full of dirt, not for yourself, not for any others. You are always trying to bring the sun into other peoples lives and sometimes I think you forget that while for awhile, you can bring the sun to someone else, you still havent brought the sun completely to yourself. Its hard because this is continuing and ongoing, he knows where you live, has your phone numbers, knows how to contact people you love and can start little fires everywhere he goes against you because he is still closely involved in your life over the kids.

I still dont have any new answers for you 'maybe. Im still in the place we've always been over this, that a change of location is the only escape I see for you and I still feel that is unfair for you. You havent done anything wrong and how long would you need to keep on running from him? Maybe running isnt in you.

There was 'western justice' a long time ago. Now they call it vigilantism and its not to be encouraged. We can no longer take swift justice and escape the hanging jury because we were in the 'right'. Now we have civil ways of handling domestic abuse but what is someone to do when that fails?

Its terrible that you live in fear, that 3pm everyday is a reminder to you of what he did to you. I think if I was your therapist I would approach your treatment with a multi pronged approach. Some meditation to reduce anxiety, some talk therapy to work through the logistics of where you find yourself, and, one heck of a long vacation. But Im not a therapist, only a friend. I hear you, I feel you, I see you. I can only offer kindness and caring. I wish it was enough. I wish someone could bring you the sun you try so hard, and are so good, at giving to others.

[justmemaybe]

(allimsaying)))))))))))))) ty for all you said. No one really doesn't know what to say to domestic abuse. After all these yrs its one of those things you are not suppose to mention.
I have valium. I wont take it if I have drank.
A vacation? good idea.
I personally wish it would all disappear.
my adult kids know. I want to stress to all my kids are grown.
In time this shall pass. That's what my mom would have said.
R is taboo...You don't mention it as like I said no one knows what to say. Even here.
except you and ty

[allimsaying]

((('maybe))))))

I wish you all the peace and joy you can find. I wish for you to take each moment of each day that you are able and breathe in the sweetness of the fresh clean air (wherever you can find it), and I wish for you to feel peace, be at peace, be loving and comfortable with who you are, for as someone wise once said, each moment is a precious gift that sometimes we must enjoy and sometimes we must endure. I hope that peace, joy and happiness follows you everywhere you go, in each thing you do and that as you travel, the ray of sunshine will always be before you, and not behind, casting a long shadow at your feet. Unless its just so hot you need the shade I mean.

[justmemaybe]

((((allimsaying)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you very much. I wish you the same too.
Very wise words..