You know when I'm watching TV commercials on the advertisements for Fathers Day everyone I see these warm & fuzzy commercials of the Fathers huddling over their children smiling, tossing their kids up in the air in slow motion cue in lovely background music....then the voice over of Happy Fathers Day.....makes you feel all warm right?
WRONG! Hell that was never my Dad. Let me say something about my Dad on this dear old holiday commemorating him.. I've endured heartwrenching pain so I feel I'm entitled. For those of you who have your Dads & the universe is wonderful for you you may not want to read this. Its so totally opposite.
My Father was a weak man. My Father never ever cared about who he hurt.. My Father was vengeful, heartless.
Let me tell you about this man.
When I was 8 he callously had the courts take me away from my Mother causing HEART WRENCHING pain to both myself & my poor Mother. To last a lifetime. I was 8.
Here was a Father who immediately after the court ruling went to McDonalds to celebrate. Who's celebration was it for anyway? Certainly not for Mom & Me. No. This man just compartmentalized it all and thought that everything was just fine. He & his new Wife at the time even ignored & paid little attention to how I was feeling. Once I did stay with him all he did was focus on himself I mattered little in the department of attention. He just didn't have a clue. So I try to forgive once I was a little older but I still had lasting pain. When I was in my 20's I called him up for the first time in 6 years...because after I endured enough abuse to run the hell away & the courts awarded custody of me back to my Mother there was a years long period where I didn't talk to him. I call him one day & from that point on we talked weekly for a period of about 20 years. Not once did I ever hear him say that he had ever missed me. Now fast forward to 2005 when I learn that he had Cancer. His last Wife the 4th this time calls to tell me that he is in the Hospital. Dad says he is remission. I don't hear much from him & when I did he was cryptic saying to me only that he is considering a move to Florida. Another cryptic conversation to me was that my Godparents were throwing him a lavish party just for him....should have known that there was something up with that. He went on & on about that one. I was confused at the time....I mean it wasn't his birthday & there was no special occasion to throw a party...but it was a special occasion....Dad had not long to live only he didn't tell me that. Dad kept his secret well. He would complain about his other children (not me) He would say your damn brother Duane doesn't even bother to call to see if I need anything.....this puzzled me as Duane got into trouble & was pretty much LOST! He was another one of Dad's casualties in the war on neglect of his kids. Dad never once asked me anything never communicated a word about how he was actually doing. I mean he had me. But all he did was complain, complain and complain some more. I had had enough. I didn't talk to him for months after this had no idea he was sick.
So its months later, I'm in a job training program trying to get my life together when I get a call from his 4th Wife crying to me that she does not know what to do about her husband my Dad.
The Wife says as she is crying buckets over the phone to me that "My Dad is losing so much weight" and "What am I going to do"? Don't know why she was saying all this to me because I just had no answer I was having all sorts of personal crisis at the time as I was lost myself, not having any identity, struggling to even make friends for the millionth year in a row it seemed.
Then about 2-3 months after that the Wife calls to tell me that Dad is terminal. I take in the news then once I get to school were the job training program is held my knees gave out from under me & I'm sobbing without any kind of control whatsoever...it was much like someone who goes on themselves in public but just can't help it.
Then one month after that one day I come home from school, put my books down & go over to my phone to check my messages when this is what I hear upon checking my voicemail:
In a thick accent the Wife of my Father says:
Valerie your Father passed away.
Yup as Carrie Bradshaw would say "And just like that" I learned that Dad had died.
The best way I can describe to you how I felt is ...do you know when your like Downtown & you see these homeless folks they will walk around lost with this kind of glazed look in their eyes. Well I was just like that except I wasn't homeless....I WAS AN ABSOLUTE WRECK walking around all glassy eyed, confused and in the most tremendous gut wrenching pain that you can't imagine. For those of you who lost a parent you can imagine.
I had little to no support too. I tried finding grief support groups had little success was told by one church in the area I lived in that "they don't offer it anymore"
I went to a bereavement support group over in a neighboring suburb & well I sure as hell didn't get any support because most of the other people there paid little attention to me focusing entirely on themselves! Even the facilitator had an attitude! Not what one would expect from a grief support group.
The 2nd & last grief support group I went to was at a non profit organization for the LGBTQ community Dunshee House. There was the facilitator, myself, and one other older gay man who was quite self centered. When I had said that I didn't know just what kind of Cancer killed my Dad this numb nuts says the following "Does It Matter" I came oh so close to punching him in the face. So I did try but try as I might ....no support. It had felt like I was being kicked when I was down & had sand thrown in my face for good measure.
Aah living in the Pacific Northwest were their motto is if your in pain & we don't know you....then we just don't care.
All I have to say on this Fathers Day to you Dad is THANKS FOR ALL THE HEART ACHE INFLICTED! I can now try to forget about you for another year!
You sure sucked as a Dad.
The End

((((T&T)))) I am here. I hear you and am very sorry for your pain. I wish there was something I could do to help. Wave a magic wand, so it wouldn't hurt so much. My heart and thought are with you. Rose

I don't celebrate Father's Day. You're not alone, When I was younger I used to hate Father's Day. Now I don't care and don't think of my father on this holiday.

I hate father's day more than anything. Mostly because I feel so hurt and alone. I remember everything I missed out on by not having my dad in my life. I guess it's really just a jealousy issue. I am so sick of seeing my friends post pictures on Facebook of them and their dads. It's not that I am not happy for them... I'm just jealous and wish I knew what it felt like to have that.

[growlycat]

True dat, my friend.

I called my stepdad and he is having a blast but doesn't need me. Called my bio dad and he rushed me off the phone for the US open.

I'm so lost.

[pinkbutterfly]

i hate it too...i didn't go to church today. stayed off facebook today...had to go to the store, but that's it...stayed away from people HATE this holiday

*hugs* to you

[haier]

Me too. I hate father's day.

[Zangie.x3]

All the days are pretty normal for me. No birthdays, Mother's Day or anything like that.

[tinyrabbit]

I hate father's day too. Hugs to all.

[smnhc7310]

Wow! My dad made some mistakes as all parents do. I have a 10 yr old who I adore and am learning from him as well as my parents past mistakes. It works!