I have to get this off my chest.

Ever since I graduated high school (I'm 19 now), nothing has gone right for me. I need to say everything that has happened to me in this past year because I have no one to talk to it about, and I just want it off my chest. I don't want any pity, because most of it is due to poor decisions on my part. I just need to talk about it so I can get over it and move on with my life.

The first thing that happened to me is that the only boy I ever loved in my life dumped me and immediately started chasing after other girls. Obviously, that left me heart broken. Instead of coming to terms with my emotions I jumped into the arms of a rebound guy. He wasn't interested in dating me, he only wanted me for my body and was very controlling over what I did. By this time I had just started college, and hadn't made any friends. Eventually we got sick of each other and broke it off.

That's when things started getting worse. One weekend I went to visit a friend for his birthday. What I didn't realize is that he had other things in mind for me. He gave me things that didn't allow me to think straight. (Stupid decision on my part) That was when I was first sexually assaulted. Afterwards I went home and I was extremely ashamed of myself. I didn't talk to anyone about it, and I broke off all communication with that 'friend'.

A couple of weeks later I started dating a different boy, even though I didn't really want to date anyone. He basically gave me the ultimatum of either dating him or never talking to him again, and since I still didn't have any friends I decided to date him. He was very sweet and loving.. at first. Early in the relationship he started pressuring me to have sex. I didn't want to. I told him over and over again but he'd try to have sex with me almost every day. I always had to tell him no and push him away. One day he wouldn't stop, and he raped me. Again, I felt horrified. One of my values was that I only had sex when I was in love with someone. I wasn't in love with this boy. Somehow I convinced myself that it was my fault and told myself that if I was with him long enough to love him then it would be okay. So I stayed with him. (Another bad decision I made).

He was still sweet to me for a while after that. Eventually though, things began to deteriorate. He would yell and swear at me, and began to control things in my life. He wouldn't let me hang out with my friends, didn't want me to get a job, and wanted me at his apartment at all times. During all of this I had a falling out with my friends/roommates and had no one to talk to. He was paranoid that I would cheat on him, even though I never even thought about it. My grades started to suffer. He broke my phone, smashed my mirror, kicked a hole in my wall and still I stayed.

Eventually I broke it off for good, after I realized that I could never love him...but he wouldn't have that. He blackmailed me into staying and eventually I called the police and filed a stalking order against him.

I've been free of him for a little over a month now. I had nightmares for three weeks straight. I was scared all the time. I would never commit suicide, but I still wished I was dead.

My self esteem is at an all time low. I'm scared to be alone with any boy. I don't have many friends, and no close friends that I can talk to. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I try to stay hopeful that things will get better.... but it just doesn't feel like I'll be happy again.

I think right now, it would be really good if you could Not give in to the dating for a while, and please don't let anyone give you "ultimatum"s, that is cruel and a huge red flag.
Since you are in college, try joining a club, or activity where you can do things with others and get to know people over time. Learning a craft/hobby can also really help because it can be done alone or with others who have similar interests.
I'm thinking that you may be just trying too hard and feeling lonely doesn't help. You might also want to talk to a counselor. (I think you should talk to someone about the assault, whether a health care provider, counselor, or rape crisis center. This was rape, it doesn't matter if you used poor judgement, it is not your fault.
So sorry it is such a rough year---starting college, and just being your age can be tough at the best of times. (& get into the learning, study...read, write...)

I'm so sorry. I agree: please talk to a counselor about these experiences.

Hey there Lady1158, I'm not sure what resources you have available to you, if you can see a therapist or counselor or what. It sounds like you're very isolated. I was first brought to this post because when I graduated highschool I had a very hard time with depression but not for the same reasons.

I'm not here for pity, but I see that you've had a hard time and that you want to overcome it, and talking about it helps you with that, which is wonderful! Taking time for yourself is probably one of the most important things you can do right now, trying to avoid your ex or situations that make you intensely uncomfortable, or situations where people are not listening to what you are saying about your comfort or need for boundaries. I think there are a lot of resources in your town, local library or bookstore, or even online that might help you should you look for them. I think things that talk about abuse, emotional and sexual, might help you. Things that talk about overcoming depression, or about coping with relationships might also help you figure out some things for yourself as well.

If writing things out really does help you, find a journal (with a lock if it makes you feel better) or maybe you have a smart-phone that has a lockable dairy app you can use to write out what you're thinking, and to write out resolutions to whatever you're struggling with.

Taking the time to rebuild friendships might be good for you to do too, if you feel that you can. One step at a time, take AS MUCH time as you feel you need. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or reminds you of anything you've experienced before, take time away from them to sort out how you feel about it. Above all, take care of yourself. Do anything that makes you feel better, that's fun for you, or that you think is nurturing. There are a lot of resources out there about self-care and I have found after anxiety attacks, when dealing with depression, bad relationships, or addiction self-care is invaluable to giving you more of what you need to keep going.

It may take a long time to feel happy again, but you can always do a little bit of work each day to feel better than 'bad'. That's what will help you reach happiness again. It might seem like an uphill battle sometimes, but you seem like a very strong and courageous girl despite the mistakes you've made. Right now you're doing what is right for you. Keep reaching for what you want out of life, I'm cheering for you and I wish you all the best.

Thank you for your support, I really do appreciate it. However I don't need a counselor. I went to one once and they were anything but helpful. I could talk to a wall and get the same results. And I have plenty of walls.