something i'm really regretting saying to my son

I had a conversation yesterday with my young adult son. I said to him that I sensed a distance between us. He said that he did not care.

I don't feel that I can relay all of the conversation here, but he asked me who I was currently closer to - my mother or him? I said that I didn't know, but he pressed me, and I ended up saying that it was my mother. He then said - so be happy with that relationship.

He was completely self-controlled and seemed cold when he was speaking. I, in contrast, got emotional a couple of times and when I did he said that I was misinterpreting what he was saying.

I'm really regretting saying that I was closer to my mum, because there have been times when we've been very distant and I've been very angry with her. But he was quite insistent that I think about directly answering his question and I was trying to be honest.

Somehow I know I've screwed up big time and wish in a way that I hadn't tried to speak to him and just accepted that he was distant and thought that it could be an age thing.

I wasn't sure where to post this, but as it was about communicating and emotional distance I posted it here.

Was your answer honest? I get the feeling there may have been some attempt to control on both sides here. What's the history of the relationships with him & with mother? Are there other children?
Sounds involved, have you been in therapy with this?
Sorry about yesterday. Feels like lots of pain on both sides.
Long distance relationships? Or will you have a chance soon to re-visit this with him?
Roadie

Welcome to PC. Sorry to hear you are having issues with your son. It could be an age thing or he may be going through some things that are making him act distant that you are unaware of. I would just let him know you love him and want to be closer. Of course, I'm not a professional. Wishing you well.
Gayle

To be honest I'm not really sure who I'm closest to. I care about them both, in fact I think my son more, but I said my mum because I turn to her at times for emotional support although I only see her about once a month, although we speak several times a week on the phone.

There was an acknowledgement that there had been a distance for a while and he said that he was over it, and that he had been over it for a long while. When I tried to talk to him he said that I was boring him.

I know that I'm really stressed because I'm having trouble remembering the conversation and that can be a sign for me that I'm stressed out about something - I just blank it out.

He is totally against any kind of therapy. He said that its not up to him to help me change or address issues and that he wouldn't pay to see someone who thought that they knew how the mind worked and implied that psychology was rubbish and that he would rather speak to his friends.

He's going back to his dad's tomorrow and then on back to uni. I may not be able to have him to stay from now on because government changes to room allowances mean that I have to think about having a lodger in what was his room. I've had trouble making my mind up over whether to take one on incase he wants to come back and live with me, but when I've spoken to him about it he says that he does not know where he will be in the future and said that he doesn't have any feelings about coming back to stay.

The thing is that his dad is moving to another area, so if he does end up living there or staying with him in the holidays, I may hardly see him.

Perhaps you are right about there being some attempt to control on both sides - I really don't know. I wish that someone with insight could have been a fly on the wall. There are no other children. I had a MI from when he was about aged two on and off and have had times apart from him when his dad cared for him. I know that there were times when it was hard for him, but I'm concerned that he's built a kind of wall - in fact I think I said to him that it felt like there was a barrier.

It sounds like whatever it is that's gone on.. your son has in fact distanced himself. Could it be from the divorce?

Your son doesn't need to know if you seek out therapy to help yourself. Although you might wish to explain to him why it is that you said your mother - because it's your mother who you go to for help with your troubles. And make sure to explain that that's alright - because you shouldn't really be putting your problems onto your son, so it makes sense to rely on your own mother more in that regard. And then also explain that it is hard to feel close to someone when they have up such a cold wall against you, like he does.

He might be alright with things as they are, but you could still ask him if he would be willing to spend more time with you doing things that you both enjoy. He might be up for it, he might not. If he's so distanced and disconnected from you though, you really just might have to accept that.

If it were me, I would have appreciated the honesty. Closeness can change, sometimes unexpectedly. Now you both know where you stand. I would think you did a good thing, but I can see how it would be a little scary and cause regret. The relationship is not over. It is progressing. He's a young man, so I am not suprised distance can develop. It would be typical. But he is an adult. He can hack it.

I have no kids; I'm seeing this from the kid point of view, and view of someone who's experienced a lot of painful distance and wonderful closeness as well.