[luvinglife2012]

Okay. I said it! Please don't say anything, I am hear only to vent. I know I should consider seeing a Therapist, maybe my doctor even, but I have NO means of making any of that happen. I have no money, no insurance, I don't qualify for Medi-Cal either. So what is a person to do? Cry. Scream into a pillow. Sleep. Take cleansing baths. Meditate. Write. Cry some more. Besides I am sick to death of therapy, this all should have been settled back when I was in therapy for 25 years! What the hell happened?

All my life I have been told that I am emotional, overly sensitive; which left me feeling bad. Like there was something seriously WRONG with me and I need to have it fixed right away. A lobotomy maybe!?

I am 50 years old and will be 51 in Sept. I am fighting myself these days because I don't want to waste my time with this anymore, yet, there it is! A specter in front of me, and never leaving. I am so FRUSTRATED and ANGRY! I am in my second Adulthood, where I get to be ME and do the things I want to do. Instead I am revisiting this crap from the past with my ex-husband, my mother and father, and sister. Additionally, I have menopausal symptoms (yet 8 months ago my doctor tells me that my hormones and thyroid are fine, is it really? what defines fine?)

I have no coping skills anymore because I am so tired of working at it. Its been a rough 10 years. Since 2004 I have been unemployed, bankrupt, broke, and slowly giving up my life and goals instead I am trying to survive and pay bills. Oh and I know I am not the only one! There are a lot of people working to get through the day, put a meal on the table for the night, find a place to lay their heads. I can't keep a job once I get it. I work hard and get the work done, but when they try to abuse me I don't take it from them. Then I get discharged. My values are being challenged and I am suppose to take it!? I cannot disrespect or hurt another person to make me look good. I don't throw people under the bus either, nor will I accept anyone cursing at me.

I have never been more afraid in my life! (I used to ride roller coasters for the thrill and fear!) No sooner do I feel like I can breathe something else rears its ugly head to challenge me. I am feeling beaten down, yet I am almost done. I only have $10K more to pay back then I am debt free. I had almost $100k in debt. I am sick of feeling fearful of not paying my bills, of not having money to pay my rent, or not enough to put gas in my vehicle so I can go to an interview.

Recently, I had to fight with Unemployment to get my benefits, did everything right, they were in the wrong, but nonetheless I had to work at getting my benefits and feeling stressed about it all. My rent is due on the first so I hope I will have enough to pay it. I don't qualify for EBT nor any other social programs because I make too much, $1800 a month is what I am bringing in for July. My rent is $1400 and that is the cheapest.

So I am spending all my free time here now: The Emotionally Sensitive Person

Reading all of the articles and trying them out and bringing in new ways into my life so I can live the life I deserve. I will check out other links on Psyche Central that can help me.

In the meantime:

Before going to bed tonight I will create 4 new resumes so I can submit them to the jobs I know I am qualified for. Then tomorrow I will submit my new resumes to the jobs I find.

Tonight I will take my cleansing bath.

There is more but I have said enough tonight.

[kaliope]

[Thunder Bow]

Time to be a Warrior! Be your own Crisis Warrior! If you got the determination you can win your battles! I make much less than you and won Many Battles!