I'm crying as I say this.

I don't mean to be dramatic and attention seeking, but...

The actual meaning of "death" hit me, and the thing is I'm still debating whether or not if I really want to leave my physical body by the time I turn 18.

I just got curious today and decided to type in "soul leaving the body", and videos of a scientist who photographed someone's soul leaving as they were dying. I watched it...

It talked about Kirlian photography, and the "aura". It kind of made me realize how life is precious.

I also thought back on the discussion about death with my dad on Sunday, mostly about those who wanted assisted suicide when they are terminally ill. He talked about how his father had died from cancer because he was terminally ill. He talked about wanting to die a painless death. Dad said that he would rather die in his sleep, but he said that if he couldn't, he would take one of his guns and... You know.

I started to get a little teary eyed, and I tried hard to hold it in. I was looking away as he was driving. I told him that I would rather him have assisted suicide instead of ending it with a bullet. I just couldn't stop thinking of that image in my head of coming across his dead body. We moved onto something else and I was calm.

I started to think back on the thing that I wanted the most as I am living right now, romance. I wish I could have someone to share those moments of life with me, but knowing that I won't ever be in a relationship like that, it encourages me to take my own life. Now I'm thinking, I would miss out on that special time of my life.

Just all these random things that seem silly, but are all about death:

-One of my cats that ran away last November, was old. She started to do this weird ritual of sleeping on top of our kitchen table under our lit lamp, and she started to sit sideways instead of on her hind legs. She always wanted to go outside. Then one day, Jersey... Jersey was gone. My family members would tell me that she was getting old. I would probably want to do something that I always thought I would enjoy before I die too, right?

-Thinking about my only cat that now lives with my mom. Although she has a new playmate with her (a shy orange cat), I heard she still hisses at her and doesn't seem to care. Belle has been with me ever since I was a little girl, and I got her as a kitten who was in fatal conditions of pneumonia. She lived and is still living now, but she is lonely, and she knows I'm not there to see her that much. I don't see her until Christmas, but what happens when her time comes?

-Then a really depressing children's movie I remember called "Fluke". I don't want to explain, but for those who have seen "Fluke", then it would bring you in tears just by thinking about it.

I feel as if my time is up. My body is worn and torn. I can't do that much physically, my IQ is lowering as I grow older, and you can try and "cure" me of my "mental illnesses", but it's actually spiritual based. There wasn't even a purpose of me being born. I was told by my mom that she didn't care if she gave birth to me after having sex with my biological father. A stupid, selfish woman who didn't care to think about the purpose of procreation! My life has been wasted just from being born. I have no talents, no interests, and no skills. Everyone is keeping me alive just for their own sake. They don't think about what I want, instead they think about what they want. Doctors: "If we don't keep this patient alive, we don't make money." Family: "If we don't keep her alive, it will make us look bad." Friends: "If we don't keep her alive, God will be shameful of us." See, they say that they're doing it for my own good. They force me to do things that don't make me happy, and when they notice this, that's when they dose me up on "anti-depressants". They're nothing but these stupid capsules that fake chemicals balances in the brain. It's all artificial! MAN MADE!!!

I've been interested in death at the age of 6-8. Whenever we drove by a cemetary in Louisiana, they were interesting to me, since they were mostly mausoleums. It was then that I asked mom, "What happens when we die?"

That's when she bought me the book "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf". It was child-friendly story that taught children about life and death.

Just like a human being, a leaf has it's own life. However, they have a different way of living.

A leaf lives by seasons:

-Spring
-Summer
-Fall
-Winter

This all happens in one year.

A human lives by phases:

-Birth: Beginning as an infant.
-Growth and developement: Toddler, Play Age, Prepubescent, Preadolescence, and Adolescence.
-Mature Growth: Adulthood 20+
-Death: The end of life

This happens within a span of 100 years.

So if you put that together:

-Spring: Beginning as an infant.
-Summer: Toddler, Play Age, Prepubescent, Preadolescence, and Adolescence.
-Fall: Adulthood 20+
-Winter: The end of life

I still couldn't understand, so mom would tell me, "I don't know, Mikaela."

I had to wait until I was mentally, if not, spiritually ready to understand all what was happening around me.

There's still more that I must learn though.

Other than that.

What is to do must be done...

[unaluna]

So I know it's the middle of summer, but have you seen the Christmas movie, "It's a Wonderful Life"? It talks about these same ideas. Plus the cops' names are Bert and Ernie!

Originally Posted by hankster

So I know it's the middle of summer, but have you seen the Christmas movie, "It's a Wonderful Life"? It talks about these same ideas. Plus the cops' names are Bert and Ernie!

Whoops, I meant to put "painless death" instead of "painful death".

It sounds familiar, but no I've never watched it.