[LearningMe01]

I've never really had a problem with self esteem. I don't think I'm a super model but I also don't (usually) think I'm ugly.

I had a baby not long ago, and since then I've had some real self esteem issues.
To make a long story short...I was arguing with my friends ex girlfriend (stupid, and I don't usually involve myself in that kind of drama...) and at one point she called me an "Ugly effing B i t c h." And It hit me so hard, I almost cried. I know it was meant to hurt, and the people I was with said "that is ridiculous, she's acting like a child and she's jealous" but for some reason, I still internalized it. It's still bothering me today, two days later. If my self esteem was good, it wouldn't be bothering me at all.

Anyone have any ideas on how to boost your self esteem (or get it back)? I don't like feeling lousy about myself. It makes me feel like a weak person.

[Arha]

One of the reasons it is affecting your self esteem you have already identified: you are repeating it in your head. You need to break that pattern and override it with some positives. To override it, you need to repeat them and to believe them.
Say to yourself, "I am a beautiful person."
Think about times when others have said anything complimentary to you. Repeat them too.

Another reason it is affecting your self esteem is it came from someone you know, and whether you value her opinion or not, you are still bothered by her thinking this about you.

Most women self monitor their appearance a lot. There is often a little voice checking that we look OK. "Is my hair tidy? am I slouching? Does this shirt go with that skirt? Is my make-up tidy?"
This adds to the negative if we are already feeling bad about ourselves, say if you are tired, and haven't done your usual routine for getting dressed up. Quite possible if you have a young baby! It is OK to be relaxed, and to slouch, and to wear comfy clothes. It really is. Especially when looking after a baby. We don't expect someone working in a field hoeing to look pretty. A mother chasing after a little kid is working just as hard too. She may even get sweaty and have baby vomit on her shirt.

So you need to override that voice, and make sure that you are not requiring yourself to look good all the time. Try overriding this with something ridiculous, to put her opinion in the right place (not very important!) Picture yourself in baby messed clothes, holding your baby and standing proud, and strutting down a catwalk.
Ta dah! You are great! you can look confident in any situation! Maybe she is in the audience and envious and you walk by without even noticing her opinion because you are happy.

You can still dress up when you want to, but if you find yourself monitoring what you look like, make sure you counter it with something positive:
"My biceps are getting really strong from holding this child."
"I am really happy to see my child do something new."

And smile about yourself. You are doing really well.

[A Red Panda]

If someone calls me ugly I tend to just say "Thanks for sharing".

Overall... what other people think of me is irrelevant. It's about what *I* think of me. So if someone was to insult my appearance? Oh well, that's their perogative. At the same time.. if someone compliments my appearance it doesn't really make much of a difference for me. Of course I prefer compliments over insults... but yeah.

Just keep reminding yourself that YOU like how you look. That YOU think there is nothing wrong with how you look.

"She thinks I'm ugly, am I ugly?" should be followed by "That's bullsh**, I know I'm not!" because you already know and believe that that answer is correct.

If you still need help - think back into your past. What compliments have people given you about your appearance? Think about them and write them down.

I like sharing, so here's some of mine:
- I've had someone randomly compliment my eyebrows. They were surprised when I said I do not pluck them.
- I've had a few people compliment my cheekbones
- I've had a few people compliment my jawline
- I've had multiple people compliment my butt, which I find funny but I roll with it
- I've had people compliment how I can pull off a lot of colours in clothing that others can't (red and orange in particular)
- I've had people compliment my skin-tone
- I've had people compliment me on being able to dye my hair any colour and it still looks good.
- I've had people compliment my posture
- I've had people compliment my voice.
- I've had people compliment my eye colour and the depth they saw in them.

On top of that, I really like my hairline, the shape of my teeth, my lips, and my freckles.

Yet despite all of that? There are STILL loads of days where I am hating my own appearance. But that seems like a pretty big and random list right?

[Perna]

What is "ugly"? When put with the other two swear words, the image is not really of anything at all, I might as well call you, "razmataz godoloph behemoth"? Would you then think you were too fat because I managed to think up the word behemoth? The woman has no imagination or ability to express herself well.

What do you say, besides "ouch" when you get startled or hurt? Sounds a little like, ugly effing b don't it? It's not about your self-esteem, it is about the other person. Self-esteem is not a magic shield; if I were not intelligent, if you could not understand this I am writing, we might not be able to have much self-esteem in the first place and we would be the ones calling others "ugly effing b's"? Of course, if we have no intelligence, imagination, abilities such that we needed to call others that, what we were called by others couldn't hurt us in the first place because we would not have the wherewithal to apply it to ourselves and be hurt by it.

If you have the imagination to take something another says, personally, then use your imagination to realize it is imagination and the phrase does not fit, cannot fit (picture an ugly, mongrel, dog, doing. . . :-)

[winter4me]

This is an aside, but when I first moved to this area, I was up north with old time new englander's and the first time someone said to me "Boy, you're ugly today" I caved inside---it took a couple of times of "He's ugly today" etc to realize they meant irritable/moody...
As far as appearances, I am afraid in this society women are trained to have exquisite sensitivity to remarks on appearance, whether we "buy" it or not---it begins so young...
you were also feeling vulnerable anyway (& maybe a bit ticked at yourself for getting caught up into the drama...) ----put her and her remark in a 'box' and burn it, toss it off a bridge, kick it down the road... or let time wash it away.

[MarlboroChick]

Even if you have good self esteem, nasty comments or people can still make you feel bad. It sounds like there was a lot of drama and she just decided to take out her anger on you.
I usually recover quickly to bad comments about my appearance, but there's been a few times that hurt. Usually its if they hone in on something...especially my ******* eyebrows.

[doctorwho737]

I agree with the part about repeating it. For years and even to an extent now I have very low self esteem and it is hard at times to keep that negative stuff out...I actually write a song about it, kind of dark but it is basically about that voice in your head that wants to take you down.

Did you ever see that picture that has been passed around the internet over the years where there is a kitten in front f a mirror and he sees a lion? Yeah, that can work and it can be hard but you have to forget the opinion of this hurtful person and put up your mantle and annex you head back...trust me I know.

Best!

[jadzea]

Whenever I get down on myself for how I look for whatever reason I think to myself, "I was made in the image and likeness of God. This is what God looked like when he made me". I know it sounds corny but I figure if it was good enough for God it should be good enough for me.

[Freedom517]

Beauty comes from within, and you have made the first step by writing about this here and asking for support

[Thunder Bow]

Words do hurt. That person is immature and has a BPD. No one is perfectly beautiful or completely ugly. We are all some where in between.

[LearningMe01]

Thank you so much everyone :-)

The thing is, I get complimented all the time. Just the other day I was at walmart (eek) and 3 guys walked up to me (they were together) and told me how pretty I was, repeatedly
I guess what i'm trying to figure out is: Why is it SO hard for me to accept a compliment (I mean I literally don't believe them when they compliment me) Yet SO easy for me to internalize an insult? I never used to have these issues.

[Penny_Lane]

I relate to your post, I was called "**** fat ugly dog" by an aquaintence lately. Did my head in, been fighting with them in my head since.
Strange how it can effect you so badly, i mean this persons twice my size, is an obvious transvestite with bad 5'oclock shadow and terrible regrowth. I'm not saying I'm the most attractive person but he was no competition to me.
I guess what I'm saying is it really sucks when **** brings you down like that.