[davos]

Yesterday I got into a heated discussion with my father regarding religion: more accurately, it was heated from my side. A big reason for this isn't necessarily religion, just the fact that I have little respect for my father and in general my patience with him has grown thin.

Shortly after that the story of Rehtaeh Parsons came on the news. My brother asked what it was and I explained in full detail, including the other similar cases involving Amanda Todd. I then went on to talk about Lot and his daughters, Agent Orange, Fred Phelps Sr., and a wide variety of other things which I consider injustices. By the end of it, I was absolutely fuming; not at anybody, but just at the wrongness of the situation in particular.

I still feel a pit of anger in my stomach. I don't understand why I'm having difficulty in dealing with my anger: this hasn't been an issue for a long time. I guess I have an unfortunate habit of committing atrocities to memory and ruminating on them for a long time, but I do this because I have hope for the future.

Not really sure what kind of responses I'm looking for. Anything helps.

[MrNisThinking]

First off hugs. Second I know how you feel. My father and narcissistic stepmom make me angry too. You have the right to your own opinion. When I'm angry I just hide in my room...

[Thunder Bow]

You probably relate to your father and connect with him by talking negative about things, all the time. Negative talk is a Psychological Process that often gets out of hand and goes extreme, leaving your with that all to familiar sour feeling. I saw that laundry list in your post!

Best thing to do is control all that Negative Talk, and find a better way to connect with your Father!

[tealBumblebee]

This is the story of my family in general. T mentioned the other day how she was surprised I managed to hold on to my sense of self despite that (and also how it was yet another way i've managed to use isolation as a coping mechanism). Dunno if it would help, but when I get in these tense debates (usually stemmed around politics, racism, religion), I say my piece, let them say there's and then I make a practice to end the conversation calmly. When I feel those insides starting to growl, I respectfully say "Okay, i'm done with this conversation now." Or "okay, i'm over this. New topic." *shrug* May not stop the strong emotions but makes them easier to handle because they don't overflow.

[Thunder Bow]

It is not the Topic that matters, it is the Process that matters. Look at what you feel while in process with family. What is it you really want?

[avlady]

You can both have your opinions, but you need to learn to communicate with others without it getting out of hand, and if it does notice it and discontinue the conversation. There is no reason a person should get overwhelmed by opinions, things can be solved in a civil matter, and you need to notice when it gets out of hand and discontinue the conversation.

[davos]

I'm just not really capable of disagreeing with my parents on things civilly. I feel wronged by them in many ways and I resent them for it, and I either avoid speaking with them or get disproportionately angry when we disagree on fundamental issues on which I base my identity.

[sadp8r]

Originally Posted by davos

Yesterday I got into a heated discussion with my father regarding religion: more accurately, it was heated from my side. A big reason for this isn't necessarily religion, just the fact that I have little respect for my father and in general my patience with him has grown thin.

Shortly after that the story of Rehtaeh Parsons came on the news. My brother asked what it was and I explained in full detail, including the other similar cases involving Amanda Todd. I then went on to talk about Lot and his daughters, Agent Orange, Fred Phelps Sr., and a wide variety of other things which I consider injustices. By the end of it, I was absolutely fuming; not at anybody, but just at the wrongness of the situation in particular.

I still feel a pit of anger in my stomach. I don't understand why I'm having difficulty in dealing with my anger: this hasn't been an issue for a long time. I guess I have an unfortunate habit of committing atrocities to memory and ruminating on them for a long time, but I do this because I have hope for the future.

Not really sure what kind of responses I'm looking for. Anything helps.

Anger was always something I kept inside and turned toward myself until last year I was full of Rage I've never felt before ....at neighbors being disrepectful(to put it mildly)...I felt I did the right thing,asking them 3xs to stop keep it down at night,telling landlord calling cops,talking to counselor...well no one was doing anything and counselor thought I was being delusional.....after days of not sleeping and eating....it seemed all that anger inside over the years came out and I wanted to kill these people and a brother who abused me in the past....tho I could never hurt anyone I cut up my ARM out of anger and went to see my counselor,,,she suggested I go to hospital and get some rest ,,,since I was in no condition to make a clear decision I agreed and went voluntarily....someone told,my counselor that I have so much anger inside of me that they feel if faced with a "confrontation" I made do more than hurt someone....in the hospital the 1st and 2nd days I spent hours crying with 2 thoughts in mind...1 was hatred for these guys and no one helping me,I hated them for their lifestyles,sleeping with different girls every night,drinking....etc....and 2 more disturbing....I was scared of myself....tho I would never hurt anyone I've never experienced Rage like that and felt they should lock me up forever.....wow...sorry writing all that...its the first time I've been in a mental health hospital for something other than depression and suicide.....and the 1st time since July 2004 I was in a hospital....journaling helps me....so when I am angry I try to journal,drawing helps if I cud focus,and I workout.......I'm not sure if this helps....o and also sharing my thoughts and feelings with friends on PC who let me vent and understand has been a HUGE help....so if You need to just vent feel free to visit....k....wow...thanks for letting me share all that......

[Open Eyes]

((davos)),

It sounds like your anger goes very deep with your parents. I am wondering if they actually "pay attention" to "you" as a person or just unknowingly "emotionally abuse you" which leads to you feeling "abandoned" and depressed and "empty" inside.

Typically if someone gets that upset about "injustice" in the world, they can relate to it on a very deep level.

Just by chance, does either of your parents have a problem with alcohol?

[davos]

My father used to, also with gambling, also with pornography. I remember he used to play poker online, so I made a program that would automatically shut the poker program (I was 15). Then he flew off the handle at the computer and paid a whole bunch of money to internet scams in an effort to get the "virus" off.

He also accused me for a very long time of being gay and harassing me for it and I feel in general he harasses me a lot of time while still being hateful towards non-heterosexuals, non-christians, non-whites, etc.

Before I was diagnosed with depression but while I was still experiencing symptoms I tried very hard to develop an alternative lifestyle but I was met with plenty of opposition, ridicule, and lack of support. Even though I managed to a) live alone for five months in a different city, b) lose weight to the point of a healthy weight, c) eat healthy, d) exercise daily, e) be very productive with regards to pursuing a goal of writing, my parents still consider my efforts a waste and I eventually was unable to continue with my plans. I think perhaps that five month period was the best period of my life in terms of my mental/physical health and my potential for the future, but it was shot down.

[Open Eyes]

((davos)),

It really sounds like you are suffering from "emotional abuse" to me. I think you should research that online, it's very "real" and can lead to depression and complex PTSD.

The deep anger you have has "real roots" to it and I think you deserve to get help for it.

((Hugs))
OE

[spondiferous]

Getting back to the original post, and kind of splicing in a question of my own...what the hell does a person do with anger problems? Cuz I have 'em bigtime and I'm tired of being impatient, annoyed, aggravated and short-tempered all the time. I'm tired of snapping at my partner for no reason, finding fault in everything she does, never being happy with everything. I am my dad incarnate, except that I at least am aware of the consequences of my moods and actions on others and am trying to find a way to deal with them.
Feedback? Anyone?

[Open Eyes]

(((spondiferous))),

I was like that too, it was the PTSD talking in me. I struggled badly for several months, especially with my husband who was constantly triggering me (he tends to be dismissive). How long has this been going on for you?

You need to pay attention to "what precedes" the anger to pop, its usually a trigger that can bring out something very angry before you (or me at least) can have a chance to hold it back.

You have to get to the root of the anger, other then the PTSD what's going on in your life right now, remember, everything with PTSD is magnified, so anger would be the same?

What are you "holding in" somehow?

Are you seeing a T?

I found for myself that I was under "too much pressure" and with the PTSD I had to go slow and my husband tends to be a "lets go hurry up quick hyperactive person that has very loud negative body language."

I am not as bad since I stopped taking Klonopin/clonazepam on a regular basis. I only take it now when I get really bad with anxiety, when it just gets too painful.
But I think that the Klonopin just slows everything down so much that when it wears off I just got snappy. Just a thought.

OE

[spondiferous]

This has been going on since I was a teenager. I believe it began by being powerless in an abusive environment. Any little thing can set it off these days. It doesn't seem to be related to any one thing in particular. That's what concerns me. I have been tuning into it lately. For the last several years of my sobriety I have just assumed it was impatience and judgement and that I should work on those two aspects of myself and it would be fine. But I am realizing that it is much, much more than that. I am seeing a T. I have been through many therapies. I feel like I'm trapped and like my entire life has not been mine. It's always been living with abusive people and not being able to get away, locked in addiction and mental illness and disordered eating. I know it's starting to wear on me. But the anger isn't helping anything.
I want to find a med-free way to do it. I am right now in the place of putting together a natural healing plan for myself because the medical model isn't working. I have some CBT that I will do starting in September, for depression, and another course after that for anxiety. So that should help with the negative thought patterns somewhat. But to be honest I am considering going for anger management therapy of some kind.

[Open Eyes]

"I believe it began by being powerless in an abusive environment", quote spondiferous

You could be right about this.

However, this can happen as a result of imprinting that we do not realize is happening at the time either. Unfortunately, if we grow up observing others react and behave badly, it sends us constant subconscious messages of "how to react". The human brain is very malleable that way and we can see this all the time in society in general.

I have spent a lot of time with children and families and I have noticed a lot of this.
I actually just spent time with two children that were very young and exhibiting some very well trained "adult" reactions and body language (not what children typically come up with on their own at that age). I could tell that the way they were behaving were only mirrors of the way their parents disciplined them and could also be relating with each other as well in front of their children.

We all look to our parents to know how to interact and deal with life, even animals do this. We have also learned that when someone has a dog, often that dog will mimic the personality traits of it's owners after a while too.

You may learn a lot with the CBT and you may also benefit from DBT as well. Please do not "self blame" for your challenge either, you at least have recognized that you tend to be a lot like your father and unlike him are more aware of the consequences.

You also talk about being sober for a few years too. Well, you must also realize that when someone turns to alcohol they actually stop growing and maturing and slowly learning how to react to life challenges. They struggle to know "how to relax" with life too, and that is something that AA is designed to really help with. It is well known that just by stopping the use of alcohol, doesn't fix the issues behind the addiction. When people just stop they can become "dry drunks" and have a very hard time and "can be" angry people or over controlling with a lot of difficulty just enjoying anything.

You may also benefit from AA meetings and even ALCOA meetings if your father was an alcoholic.

[spondiferous]

I have taken DBT, and CBT as well though the CBT was specific to panic disorder. My entire family is alcoholic. I have attended meetings most of my recovery and find in fact that my anger has gotten worse over time, or more noticeable probably. A lot of it has to do with the expectation that if a person attends meetings it will help with their anger. I found people's attitudes about this quite harming in the long run. For awhile I was able to take what I liked and leave the rest. With the resurgence of MH issues, however, I stopped being able to do that, and so stopped going to meetings.
I have thought of ACOA. I contacted a woman a few weeks ago about the meeting list for my city. I have heard a lot of people say it saved their lives and helped them heal emotionally. I do not classify myself as a dry drunk. My partner, in fact, tells me that I rarely act out and when I do I am quick to make amends, not just by saying 'I'm sorry' but by amending my behavior.
Thanks for the advice.

[Open Eyes]

Maybe the ACOA meetings might help you with how you have been damaged by growing up with an alcoholic family. Most people say that they have to go a few times before they can open up and join the discussion. It could be that you need to do some grieving.

(((Caring Hugs)))

OE

[spondiferous]

Yeah I think you're right. I know I have done plenty of work on my addictions but I have never felt like I,ve gotten into the center space where the coil of emotion is. ACOA still holds some hope for me. At least there I will be able to talk about how I feel and not be told it's because I'm not 'living in gratitude'.