[indigo1015]

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for sticking by me these past few weeks. I know I've probably been irritating and pathetic with my posts, but this has been a very difficult time for me, and I just want to thank everyone who offered me a (figurative) shoulder to cry on when I needed it.

I had planned on returning home to New Jersey for this Christmas, because I have not seen my family, friends, or cats back on the East Coast since I left for Colorado in early January of this year. However, the more I think about coming home for the holidays, the less excited I feel, and the more nervous I become. The reason is my mom - she has severe Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and has had it for as long as I've known her. In addition to witnessing how it has affected her, I was also very, very negatively impacted by her attitudes towards body, self-image, food, and weight. I realize she could not have fathomed how far-reaching these attitudes would be, but that doesn't change the fact that my inability to love myself due to my weight is, in a big way, derived from her words and actions. She would be critical or herself and of me, she would be catty and mean about clothing sizes, and she mostly lived on Diet Coke and sugarfree gum during my childhood years.

Why is this bothering me now, of all times, you may ask? Because recently, I have really been trying to develop a positive self-image. I just don't know if I want to go back home to all that. At the same time, I do want to see my dad, my grandma, my friends and my cats. Unfortunately, there is no way to come home without seeing her (amazingly, she and my dad are still married). Worse, whenever I try to talk to her about this, even from the standpoint of helping HER, she becomes nasty and defensive. And frankly, I don't know if I can hear ANY of these statements come out of her mouth one more time:

"You only ate one piece?!?! I feel so horrible, I ate two!"
"She's just a fat slob who doesn't know any better." (Said about a lady passing us in the grocery store. No lie.)
"I feel so horrible now that I'm an 8 instead of a 6."
"It's disgraceful when people let themselves go."

Any suggestions??? I love my mom (I suppose), but what can I do to get through the holidays???

[Thunder Bow]

I advise you to stay put in Colorado for the holidays. Otherwise you are leaving yourself open to a whole mess of problems.

[yellowted]

stay where you feel happiest. no sense in putting your self in jeopardy. if you decide to go back for the holidays, maybe stay somewhere other than your mums home, that way you only need have bite size pieces of time with/around her.