[paintingravens]

I think I'm too spent to type out everything right now, but I'm going to try anyway. I wanted to ask for support.

I've been reading about the thousands of people who may be dead in the Philippines, which is where my immediate family was born and raised, and my dad, whom I haven't spoken all that much to since he decided not to attend my graduation (among other things that have gradually driven us apart over the years, but I won't get into that now), has been living in the country part-time. My family's home island, Bohol, was just affected by the earthquake not quite a month ago, which shattered Bohol and destroyed or damaged 10 churches, 4 of which were historical cultural treasures, and I don't even know if my distant family on the island is alive, and I doubt if even the stacked tombs of my family are still intact, or if the islands are even habitable, some literally covered entirely in ocean water poisoned with about 3 years of dangerous radioactive waste from Fukushima (I'm not even being paranoid about that either; the entire Pacific ocean is beyond screwed right now, another reason to worry). Thankfully, my father was in Manila, so he avoided being swept away with the worst of the storm. And I haven't heard of any other immediate relatives visiting the country recently, so that's also a great thing. But after seeing so many photos of the now-homeless and the mass dead being carried away, I found myself suddenly spending a massive chunk of my energy sobbing so hard that my stomach hurt and I was shaking all over for a good 45 minutes.

Now I'm back to feeling just overall sad and numb, which was sort of my default state prior to tonight's emotional efforts. I've been having a difficult time adjusting to post-grad life, and it has been getting steadily harder as the weeks drone on. I can't even believe how much time has passed by when I wasn't paying attention. Actually, a heck of a lot has happened in the past two months. My younger brother was in two major accidents within a two week period, the first of which was not his fault, but involved three cars, and the second was an extremely close call with an 18-wheeler that pinned him sideways to the front of the truck and pushed him into the media, but to our great fortune, it left him with only a bit of broken glass in his leg, and only a couple of days ago did we finally mostly secure a vehicle to replace the only other two we had that were destroyed in said accidents, but it was financially stressful for a while. I had something of an emotional breakdown just a couple of weeks ago, where I screamed into my mom's face and did a lot of heavy sobbing/wailing. Now I feel tired all the time, and as one recovering from self-harm, this past week in particular has been rough as I've avoided giving in to SI impulses, but I've also been tempted to drink a bit more than usual (if it's alcoholic and it's around the house available for my nightly consumption, it's hard for me to say no).

I've been in the process of trying to find a therapist nearby, but so far, I uh, haven't gotten very far. I don't really know where to begin. At the email-request of my college counselor, I contacted a couple of sorta-nearby colleges to see if they could refer me to any contacts that they were successful with, but only one reached me back, and I realize now that they might've been too far away to begin with. Well, I didn't expect to type out alllll of this. But I could use a group hug or something. Thanks for reading this whole lengthy thing that turned out to be much longer than I anticipated. I'm going to bed.

[gayleggg]

I can understand with all your family history how you would be very upset about the tragedy in the Philippines.

I hope you can get back on track with your studies.

I'm sure if you ask your Mom will forgive you for yelling at her.

I hope you can find some help closer to home. It does seem like you are having some stress issues.