[Yismymindblank12]

I like abusing myself emotionally by getting myself in scenarios with friends or girls I like sabotaging my reputation/relationships for no reason. I also really enjoy treating myself like **** today. I don't know why I have to hurt myself so much just to feel anything, I have a nuero problem with the nerves in my body that is hell to deal with on a regular basis. I can rarely feel my body and I get very quiet and numb on more extreme cases. Like my nerves will stop working where I lose control of my bowels and feel in my fingers where I cannot type or do anything with my hands correctly. I also like being completely isolated feeling like I am the last man on earth. I usually confine myself in my house for a very long time. Now a days I dread going outside to meet people even though I can easily acclimate myself to being a social butterfly outside my home. I use my basic personality to hide my true feats about myself of my true loneliness and despairity so people don't think I am lame. So I am forced to have superficial close relationships with friends and very superficial aquaintances. I truly feel I have no friends regardless people see me talk to alot of people and be charasmatic. It's not true at all, because inside I have no one. I truly don't believe my life is real and I am constantly finding something or someone that is living proof I am not experiencing life with no feeling. I remember back to the earliest days in my childhood development I spent more time alone talking to myself and imaginary friends in the dark than any other memory ever of my childhood. If the world ended and I was stuck on an island in the middle of nowhere as a cast away I'd be very happy even though it sounds unlikely. Yes I have alot of moments that I love being a lone much more than most people, but then I have a deep dread that my life will be nothing but this. I can't have any girlfriends or anything because it's pretty much impossible with the way I think and that I don't trust a damn person. I can do only so much, but then that's it. Nothing has told me otherwise to open up to anyone. I am going through the motions of life as a walking eating breathing body, but I am not truly there with no soul.

[gayleggg]

((((((((Yismymindblank12))))))))

[Yismymindblank12]

I mean noise in a room bothers me alot, I like to forget I exist as a person and imagine I am something or someone else far away from here. I like to pretend I am not as lonely as I am perceived. I have gotten to the point to control my emotions where it will most likely end me up dying alone without dr.s, friends, or family. Just me isolated at an old age with a shotgun in a house I own in the middle of nowhere. I mean, when I used to say, I would kill myself without my mom. I mean that's most likely will happen, because my isolation I've delt with since earlychildhood is so great. I don't feel the guilt of suicide just the fear of death, and I become very immune to feeling remorse of what I say and how my actions come off as. Not because I don't care, but that I have to be indifferent to feel happy. I mean people have done nothing, but make me feel worse. If I was living more alone and if everyone died. I wouldn't had noticed, because of this. So then I may live without my mom. Truly I am alone with my experiences, I've been isolated in the medical community of my conditions, my family, friends, coworkers, school, there has never been a place I felt like anything is real or that I belong anywhere. I always am used to just me and myself all alone. People don't get it and assume it's depression or whatever crap they come up with because they can't admit they don't know. I mean even paid Dr's, therapists, and psychologists don't know. I mean I am physically falling apart and because I did drugs that time again, and my body went into a coma. No one will ever believe me that I am ill, when I actually die randomly being around people. I've already told everyone, "If I randomly die and you thought I was faking it. Don't be surprised that I right, and that I was medically ill when you thought I am just feeling stuff. The fact no one has or will listen to me pretty much is self explanitory that dying isn't that bad after all, because being dead would make me feel much more closer not feeling anything than feeling what people want me to feel."

[Yismymindblank12]

It's fine I am not sad, I have to deny my true feelings and lie to my body to keep myself isolated and away from everyone, but since my mom enables this the most and wants me to be alone to her codependency crap. I will never be able to get the help I need and that since I had no therapist, no dr, no psychologist who could actually help me. It feels terminal to be alive, I don't know when I'll die, but damn it does feel very close.

[Yismymindblank12]

I just want everyone everything to go away. I can't feel safe, I am going to die, because everyone is so stupid and scared to even help me. I wish I could end my life so something can get done, because no one does anything just watches me fall apart and yells at me for it.

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm not allowed to get help or go anywhere, I can't afford it and my mom wants to throw me away when I do such thing. I am forced to eat the abuse and I usually abuse myself emotionally and every other way on purpose to survive it.

[gayleggg]

Yismymindblank12, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. It is hard to live without support of other people. I'm sorry that at least your mom can't be there for you.

[Thunder Bow]

Please seek Therapy and Medical help, if you have not already done so.

[Yismymindblank12]

I just had clinical trials my therapist has been sick for a couple days now. My neuro dr's have not done anymore tests yet and my symptoms have been more of a hassle to get day to day tasks done. I mean it's impossible to use my body when the symptoms appear. I had a drug test today for a job interview completely clean, so no drugs haven't done anything to this. I don't even do drugs that often as my friends or my mom thinks I do. I mean combined I barely did a full month straight combined all the times I smoked weed and drink alcohol. I only did Molly on accident once and had morphine in the hospital for medical stuff. So idk where she gets this crap that she pulls out of her *** saying it's drugs, sleep, flashbacks, not working, depression, something else that is really stupid. She likes to believe she knows, but she doesn't know anymore than the Dr's who pretend to know. I went to the neuro guys and they were dead set that I am definitely not doing well, my mom is making crap up. I know I am going to hear something I won't like that they will say that yes I am medically ill and that whatever condition causing my very immobile neuro symptoms will prevent me from doing alot or whatever. I just can't believe my mom wants me to do warehouse work, when I know when these symptoms hit my body during work. I am afraid of losing my job for her not believing I am handicapped and forcing me to say that I have to be perfect or else I can't get hired. What I really dread having to do, which might be the inevitable is to be on social security benefits at 20 for these symptoms. I can work still, but I'd rather do something that isn't going to put me at risk while having these symptoms. I worked in warehouse before loved it, but I am truly concerned that my body can't handle it, when these symptoms arise at work.