[debramorgan42]

I'm 25 years old and I lived on my own for more than a year from 23 to 24.... it was very good for me, but due to financial reasons (left my previous workplace - wasn't even legal - and was unable to find a new one) I had to move back... this was kind of tragedy for me because I really hated to live here since childhood....
the enviroment itself is beautyful - in the middle of the forest, the air is fresh there are green everywhere; it is very peaceful.
but the house itself is horribly small, has too thin walls inside (so I can here the damn tv even if I've choosed to not watch tv 5 years ago).... in a serious need of renovation - and other 3rd wordy features like we have electricity, but we have to buy water in a tanker... .and that's not drinking water...
this is paired with every modern device imagineable... like we have 3 computers (for the two of us), always new phones... so on... and all the everyday modernlife objects. this contrast of bad and good things are just very irrational.... and the problems are kind of unsolveable because it'd require seriously lot of money - but other flaws would be repairable - like the all hanging wires - by my engeneer father... who is just like a big child and just won't do it. (didn't do it when he lived here... so why would now?)
sooooo getting back to this enviroment is really depressed me.
I got used to it again.... though series of bad things worstened the situation, but allright a little whining now and than.... but atleas i've got my own little room and it is fine.altough we financially depend on my father... so I'm also completely moneyless... it is just food and shelter.... .but alright. been there, done that... here again. I'll be out as soon as I can.
I've been recently very stressed and anxious because of.... mainly my plans and for just unknown reasons.... I needed somebody to share my emotions with.... like i'm kind of scared becaue of my condition - I can share them with my bf but it is still hard - I don't want to put strain on him as we're re-connecting right now... and he is kind of out of psychosis... so he isn't always there for me (like when he is psychotic)...
and my mom is on disability she had 3 nervous breakdowns (in the 90ies) and on meds for a lifetime. she is helpful, inteligent and loving but I just feel like I don't want to talk to her.... I'm trying not to whine about money.... and all but she is just keep doing it.... and also she is also telling me all her worries about dad's problems and how it'll affect us and ect (she did it way before I shared anything)....
I know it sounds very unfair, but I don't want my parents problems........ I just.... cannot take it. I'm full... overwhelmed already. and also I cannot change or help a thing in these issues... and they're getting me more anxious... sometimes all I can think about is to GET OUTTA HERE..... and be as far away from them as I could... definetely in the city, in the other end of the distrinct.... more than a houre travel or.... maybe another country.... just get AS LITTLE CONTACT AS POSSIBLE.
am I a bad person??

[Open Eyes]

No, you are not a bad person, it is normal for someone your age to be ready to leave home and be on their own. And it is not your job to parent your parents either.

It would be helpful to you though if you could find a job, even if it is waiting tables or something. It would give you your own money too.
I know you are a graphic artist and all, but sometimes I is hard to find work in a field we like and just "something" that gets you out of the house
and money in your pocket for a bit is better than nothing.

((Hugs)))
OE

[debramorgan42]

thanks!
you are right. that would be a good thing.... I did work for 4 month in a bigformat printshop, but that was too stressfull for me.... so I started to get to the realisation of contionuing my education.... which would help me in the future...
so I have to organise that first... and than I can find a job.
it is just depressing.... the though that I'll have to choose between my long-term plans/dreams and mental-health....
it is just unfair......... I really hope I can manage to get out and start a school at the same time.... I'd so proud of myself