venting

(this is just me venting please dont feel the need to read it, its really nothing exciting or worth it I just had to get it out somehow)


I try to just exist in this world, I dont expect anything special or anything more than anyone else,
I dont expect love or want your attention, in fact I hate when people notice me.

I just want to exist
Why does that seem so hard to do now?

Apparently I make my mum feel bad
When I jump everytime someone knocks on the door
Or I cant answer the phone when it rings
She told me sometimes she thinks to herself "oh for gods sake just do it" then she remembers I have problems and feels bad for thinking it would be that easy

Why do I make everything harder for everyone?

I finally made a friend a few weeks back (im 21 and shes my only friend it would be funny if it wasnt so sad)
We were sat under a bridge talking when a group of people sat on a bench not far away and looked over (now that I look back I think even I would have looked if two girls were sat under a bridge) I had a panic attack, I was sure they were going to come over and it just got worse as I realised I was having a panic attack infront of my (very new) only friend.

I hate the way I feel
I hate the way I see myself
I hate who im becoming

I wanted so much from life but id give it all up just to exist

Hello, Erieke. Your post is quite poignant, yet distressing too. Why do you seek to exist in a state of self-loathing?

Dare to Be Yourself
The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Please choose to live a meaningful life with a purpose. Get help if you need to as a means to the end you deserve.

I wish you well.

Well actually when I said exist I meant through not hating myself anymore I guess,
More like I dont expect anything good but I dont want the bad anymore
And thank you for your well wishing