Had a Rough Visit with Mom Yesterday

I thought my anxiety was getting a bit better til last week when I fell back into it really hard. A lot of things going on, mostly money stuff and starting treatment for ADHD with my son, something I'm very apprehensive about, and we've been having troubles getting his medicine because first he wasn't covered on his new CHiPs card for some reason, so my husband got that dealt with. Then when we tried to pick up his medicine they said they needed a pre-approval from his doctor before we could have them. So tried calling his doctor that day but he had already left for the day, so we waited all weekend. Now I have to make the call today because my husband is at work. I'm really shy and so nervous. Then yesterday I went to visit my parents, and mom gave me a long lecture about why I don't divorce my husband. Things have never been great between me and him - some verbal and emotional abuse, lies - can hardly believe anything he says to you - or just tells me nothing, he seems to get paid pretty well but we never have much money for anything after bills so where is the money going, he's very lazy, never spends time with our son, he and his sister tried to have my dad and sister put in jail some years ago (true, but of course fell through because they had done nothing)... Just a total onslaught. I'm aware of all this and have been for years, but besides being scared to do it, I have no money of my own, no job, have our son, I have 2 cats and 2 birds - probably wouldn't be able to get an apartment so where would I stay, etc. We just lost our home to fire in December. I lost my 10 cats and everything else. I've had a lot to deal with, am still grieving, think I have ptsd, and have been suffering terrible anxiety since. Then she started lecturing church and Bible to me and we got into the fire and I just started crying. Then she said she felt like a bad parent, like trying to guilt-trip me. She was just in the hospital for major surgery in May and have been visiting almost daily since. I'm not far away. I was hoping to become closer and have pleasant visits, but she's starting to be her old self again and doesn't really understand my feelings and what all I'm going through and how I'm having such a hard time dealing with things. I really didn't need this yesterday on top of everything else I've been dealing with. I love my mom and know she's just concerned for my happiness, but I'm just feeling almost over the edge now after all that.

So sorry, birdpumpkin. As you say, your mom sure isn't helping. Could you tell her what you said to us about why you can't leave your husband?

As far as the church thing, it's not something to be argued over. Maybe you can tell your mom you thank her for her concern, but you aren't going to talk to her about it and if she persists, then you'll need to leave.

I've told mom my reasons over and over. I understand her being angry about what he did to my sister and dad. I don't like it, either, but it's in the past now. Dad has forgiven. I just try to get along with him, which isn't easy a lot of the time, and let a lot of what he tells me go in one ear and out the other. I'm aware of how he is but feel I'd be jumping from the frying pan into the fire so to say right now. Right now our needs are met, and I have too many other things to deal with that are really difficult. Yesterday she even said she thought I didn't want to leave. I know women who are physically abused hear this from people and understand how frustrating it is. It's not so easy as just picking up and going and then everything's okay. We just got a new double-wide a few months ago and are trying to carry on after losing everything, and I'm trying to deal with my own mental problems right now, which is really hard because we have no insurance. Haven't been real successful trying to deal with things alone with no support. I agree about the church thing. I quit going with my parents a couple years ago because I have some beliefs that clash, but she keeps pressuring us to go back. I really keep my thoughts to myself about it. I do believe in God, but kind of on my own terms. I went yesterday hoping to have a good visit - I didn't get to go the day before, and I left completely emotionally spent... I do have to give my husband credit that he got us back in a home pretty soon and has taken care of us that way, even though we do have some lack money-wise. If I had been on my own, I probably would've been completely lost.

(((((birdpumpkin))))) I agree that you have enough to deal with as it is. Alas, it's true that some people just don't understand why a woman wouldn't just take off and leave a miserable marriage.

Maybe you'll need to stay away from your mom or make your visits shorter for right now. We are here for you and we care.

You are to be commended for handling things so well, given what you are going through. Please make sure to take care of yourself. Okay?

Thanks for the support. I'm quickly recalling why I didn't visit so much before her operation. It makes me sad. I don't think she does it on purpose to make me feel bad; but then my mom is a smart woman and I would think she would know and realize that now just isn't a good time to bring up such things, so I have a hard time comprehending it. When she was in the hospital I really missed talking to her and her calls and realized this is what it will be like permanently when she is gone one day, so I wanted to try to spend more time with her and dad. Thanks for your kind words.