Too many emotions I can't face

Hi guys, I'll try to make this as short as possible..

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he is a very understanding guy and he always thought I was 'out of his league' and constantly reminds me how sexy/pretty he thinks I am..

Now, I have small boobs, and I've been getting bullied over them ever since I was a little girl up until school.. It scarred me and I always wanted to get big boobs however I never had the money to afford surgery.. My boyfriend LOVES boobs. He is a big boob fanatic, and it shows, all the famous actresses he has a 'crush' on have massive tits and this alone didn't use to bother me up until last week.

We were having an 'honesty hour' kinda thing and I told him to show me his 'porn folder' .. I regret that so much.

Six thousand images of women with UNREALISTICALLY big boobs popped up, it was so annoying, all the girls had reaaaally big chests, and I know that almost all men love big boobs, that is not the issue, the issue is that he always says he loves me body and we have a pretty amazing sex life and he always pays attention and I send him lots of naked photos of myself and he always says they look great but now I don't know what to beleive in anymore.

He always says that he doesnt expect me to look like the girls in porn but some of these photos were selfies of real women posted on websites which makes it even more horrible because WHY IS HE LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF OTHER WOMEN? if they were porn stars it wouldnt hurt so much because I know porn actresses are pretty much on every man's laptop.

My self esteem is not there anymore, I cant see beauty in myself anymore at all.. All I keep thinking of are those girls I saw and how much he must think they're better than me.. he said he never wishes that I look like them but I dont know anymore.

I feel sad and angry and betrayed and suicidal and helpless. I cannot afford surgery, I cannot ever look like those women and that alone makes me just wanna crawl in bed and die.

What can I do? I have no motivation to do anything or feel anything and I cannot speak to him about this anymore because we had this conversation at least a hundred times over the past year and he always reassures me that I am beautiful and he is very much sexually attracted to me... W

Could he be lying to make me feel better? and he is just wishing I looked like other women behind my back? and How can I get out of this wallowing hole of self pity I seemed to have fallen in?

I feel ugly and horrible and no matter how hard I try to convince myself I cant get over it or get it out of my head.

You might want to consider finding a new boyfriend. His OCD is unreasonable and is toxic to you. He got bad troubles.