[Shirt1212]

Hello I am an adult and I have never truly been allowed to deal with my emotions. If I thought something was unfair or I was upset I was taught to not be a baby and to not cause a problem. As I grew up my emotions we blamed on my hormones or some wako feminist ideas. Now as an adult I pretty much just had to keep going even tho I was so tired underneath. I havent been able to express my feelings in a healthy way my whole life but it is time for a change. I know this is a random post but this is my new and most honest outlet to announce things. I also just want to share a little story just to get it off my chest.

When my daughter was 6 month old I found out I was pregnant again. I was devastated I needed support and to be able to express my feelings. The reason I was devastated is Morning sickness, they really shouldn't call it that they should call it hell. When I am pregnant I throw up more than 5 times a day, all day. I can't eat much food, it all comes back up. Any smell will send me running to the toilet, any sight of food even cartoon food made me ralph. 5 months out of 9 I spend attached to a toilet crying in pain, the nausea is hell. They have medication but 9% of people experience constipation with it, guess who lands in that 9%. With both pregnancies I lost 25lbs in the first month of each pregnacy. Now when that stick turned positive I knew that it was just a matter of days before the nausea set in. I knew that I was not going to be the mother I wanted to be for my daughter, I knew this meant staying home most days, I knew this I had just gone threw this. I barely made it the first time and now I had my daughter to take care of. When it started my daughter was still night feeding, I would get up with her feed her then I would throw up, and I would cry. I was so low that those nights I would think "you know if I didn't wake up would it be a bad thing?" Then I would get mad for thinking that. I got thru it, My husband and daughter are a huge part of that. But my thing is I wasn't allowed to be upset. When I would epress my pain to anyone in my support system they would tell me I was over reacting, that every child is a blessing, God has a plan, or made me feel so wrong for feeling anything but joy. Now I'm not saying I didn't want my child, he was a surprise and a good one, but I think I should have been able to express my feelings. My dread, my consern, my sadness, my worry. I think it's only natural to morn the loss of the baby time with your first child when you know how sick you are about to be. I don't think I should have held back these feeling, I think I would have got thru that time a lot better if I could have had actual support. Thank you for listening. It wasn't all bad I have a lot of amazing memories of my daughters first year. I made it work but would have like to have been able to express my emotions. I have decided to change who I am, no matter how I was raised to suppress emotion and just carry on I won't do that to my children. I also won't do it to myself any more. I am also being the change I want to see in the world. I am being the friend I needed in those time to others.

Thank you for listening, I have been soul searching and I just need to tell parts of my story. Thank you so much.

[Fuzzybear]

[Thunder Bow]

A good post about your own healing, and it has made you stronger. You now know who you are.