[Maluna]

I've never really posted about things like this on a forum before, so cut me a little slack here, if I'm doing it wrong.

I'm sort of at a loss. I feel like suicide is inevitable and I'm either passively suicidal (oh, it would be nice for this to happen, or waiting for a situation to come up), or just torn in between. I can't do it because of the impact on my father (funny - I have other family, a significant other, but the only person I really worry for is my father), and yet, I feel like it's my only option. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I have a very supportive significant other, but I'm always very emotional, either agitated with him or something else, or depressed and withdrawn. I can't seem to find a good balance and we've had arguments because it pushes him away. Unfortunately, I think that pushing him away is causing more problems. I feel like I can't talk to him about this because it's just another issue and it doesn't get better. I feel like we won't have a future because I am the issue, because I am who I am, because I won't be happy ever, and I just don't have a future. Like, someone like me shouldn't have anyone, shouldn't be happy. I feel like I'm not good for him, that he needs someone who will be happier and supportive and so forth. I bring him down all the time because I'm always such a hot mess. So all of this causes me to withdraw and it's just an endless cycle. I lash out, eventually, and then that's a problem.

I tend to get angry very quickly, be a little passive aggressive about it, then either forget about it or move on where it still lingers on the other person or persons. I also go from really angry to really depressed - I don't seem to keep anger very well, I just get really unhappy and sad and frustrated with myself.

I also have trouble articulating my emotions. When having conversations with my boyfriend, where he knows something is just off, he'll come and hug me and be really sweet and ask me what's up and just be very gentle altogether. But I push him away because I literally can't express my emotions or thoughts. Words won't even come out of my mouth. So I end up being silent and I don't think he understands. I feel like I think in emotion rather than words, and you can't articulate emotions the same way. And because my moods are very transient, what I say now may be completely different than an hour from now.

I've been to therapy and a psychiatrist. Nothing really gets 'diagnosed', at least not that they're willing to say. I took a few months off of work because I was so depressed and I was afraid I was going to lose my job for calling out. I ended up just quitting instead of going back - that may have been a bad idea. I no longer have a job so I don't have health insurance and my bottle of lamictal has run out. At this point, I have to start weaning myself off of it because I can't afford to pay for it and the prescription insurances that are low cost or charity have taken over a month and I haven't gotten anything back yet. So that's just not going to help.

My therapist said if he believed in diagnoses, that I had dysthymia. My first psychiatrist said that I was not depressed because I was able to get up and was a functioning adult. I kind of felt slapped by the first psychiatrist, like he said that 'you don't have it bad enough,' but he was right. Just the snap emotion I felt at the time. And maybe now.

A week ago, my boyfriend and I had a big argument and it left me feeling so empty and lost? or maybe empty is just the best word, where I was feeling like I wanted to kill myself and just be done with it, because it was going to happen anyway. I don't think I was really thinking at all, but I had some nail scissors nearby and I started digging at my wrist. I think I can be fairly intelligent sometimes, and I know this is not a way to actually do damage, but I wasn't really thinking at the time. All I was thinking was, I've never bled from a vein before, I wonder what it looks like. I didn't get deep enough before my boyfriend came and gave me a big hug and told me he loves me and so forth - he was upset that we argued, but he still loves me. See, I've got a great guy, right? But I'm still a depressed hot mess.

I've worn long sleeve shirts for the last week to hide the cut, and now it just looks like a dull reddish scar. I'm afraid to tell him about it because this might be the time he's just fed up with me. And even if not, I don't want him to feel stuck with me, like I'm going to kill myself if he breaks up with me or kicks me out or whatever. I feel like I want to be alone, but when I'm alone, I want to be with him.

Compounded on this, I can be very, very jealous and he's lately been streaming games online (imagine watching someone play video games in real time and entertaining and interacting with the audience). He said I wasn't supportive in his career choices (and I clearly pointed out how I always have been), and I've been trying to be supportive here. Unfortunately, he's been hanging out online with this group of people, including this one chick. Without going into it in too much detail, a bunch of nerds want to flirt with and probably bang this chick. My boyfriend is flirty by nature and it literally sickens my gut knowing that he wants some space because we're both home all the time and he's down there chit chatting and flirting with her. It's good for his streaming because he'll make friends and have a regular audience but it absolutely sickens me to deal with it. So I get angry with him but I can't tell him I'm angry about it because it's me being jealous and not supportive.

God, this turned into a long thing. TL;DR: I want to know why suicide is NOT a valid option. I'm not saying it's the right answer, but it is an answer. I feel like it's inevitable for me and I don't want to seek help, I just want to be done and not deal with it (life) anymore. And if I'm dead, I don't have to think about the consequences - theoretically.

[jelly-bean]

I am very sorry you are feeling the way you do. Maybe it's time for a serious discussion with your pdoc. Some inpatient therapy might be necessary to help you start feeling better.

[sideblinded]

Hi Maluna

Welcome to Psych Central!

I see this is your first post. We would love to have you come to the new member introductions forum where you will be formally welcomed to Psych Central by a few great folks. This is where we suggest that new members post first but it is voluntary and not mandatory. We would love to see you there so we can give you a few pointers. Come on over and say hello! Below is the link:

New Member Introductions - Forums at Psych Central

Hope to see you there!



Best wishes!