[baseline]

I have always been a caregiver! It is also my profession. I am always the hugger, rock, comedian. Whatever anyone wants me to be I will conform to make them feel better! I do it with my heart because I enjoy caring for others. People usually look to me for advice or to complain or if they need a boost. My siblings always call me with their problems or when things are not going well. It is starting to wear on me. I feel unlovable because I sometimes need someone to just hold me and tell me things will be ok!! I get so depressed that nobody can tell when I need human kindness! Am I selfish for believing that those close to me should recognize when I'm in pain? I want someone to be strong for me. Am I just feeling sorry for myself??? I am afraid to let on how much I need someone to care. What if they back away? What if I'm not useful to them anymore? I could only make my parents happy when I was useful, helpful, obedient! What if I can't be any of that? I'm just under so much stress right now but I don't know how to reach out. What if the truth is no one really cares? I don't think I could take it. I want to crawl up in a ball and sleep for a few days then maybe I will feel better. Sorry for the rant!But I can't because I have to be happy for the kids and my H! I don't want them to worry or think I'm a burden to them.

Hello baseline: It sounds to me as though you have put so much time and energy into caring for others that you never took time to care for yourself. And, since you've always cared for everyone else around you, they've all come to see you as the stalwart person who's always there for them but doesn't need any care or comfort herself. As a result, you are, in essence, alone even though you may have numbers of family & friends around you.

We all need to be on the receiving end of caring and support as well as on the giving end. You have given, given, given until you have reached the bottom of what you have to give. Now you must find a way to replenish your supply. It may be that to hope to receive this from those you have cared for all these years is simply not possible, at least over the short term. They have come to see you as the strong supporter. And they cannot now allow themselves to become your supporters. If this is the case, then it means you must find your source of support elsewhere.

Some possibilities for finding your own source of caring and support might include: a caregivers' support group, individual therapy, a faith-based organization, or other similar activity that would provide you with the opportunity to be on the receiving end, as well as the giving end, of caring and support. Under any circumstances, my perspective is that, one way or another, you must find some way to replenish that reservoir of warmth and caring which you have drained taking care of everyone else. My best wishes to you.

[Fuzzybear]

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry to hear that you are not in a good place right now.

I hope that you are able to find some comfort soon.

Take care.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

I'm sorry to hear that you are not in a good place right now.

I hope that you are able to find some comfort soon.

Take care.

Thanks Hooligan I think its worse now because I am feeling guilty and helpless about caring for my son and my mom! I'm torn. And I want them to have a good holiday! I wish my siblings would kick in with mom a little more!!! I should also be working more to help out but with him home now I can't. Too much all at once! I know people have it a lot worse so I don't want to whine!! Just tired and trying to cope appropriately! Thinking about all the things I could do to numb myself in the past! Won't now so that's a plus. Thank you!

[Thunder Bow]

Important: If you do not take care of yourself, how can you take care of any one else?? You are being driven by your childhood to much. No need to please Mother any more. Time to take care of yourself 1st.

[Can't Stop Crying]

i care about you baseline....you deserve kindness and support....

[baseline]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Important: If you do not take care of yourself, how can you take care of any one else?? You are being driven by your childhood to much. No need to please Mother any more. Time to take care of yourself 1st.

Thank you Thunder Bow, My mind knows you are right. My heart tells me OTHERWISE. When my father passed I kind of stepped into his shoes for mom and my siblings . I only get to hear the problems, complaints, and needs. I wish I could communicate my frustrations better but they don't get it!!!!My first priority right now is my son who needs me most. He is my main reason for holding it together. Thanks again!

[baseline]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

i care about you baseline....you deserve kindness and support....

Thank you my friend!!!!!

[Little Jay]

Hi baseline!

No need to apologise for 'ranting' or 'whining'. That's not what you're doing - you're simply sharing with us how you feel, and that's good! You have every right to share and be heard.

You also have the right to have needs! Really, you do. Just the other day, my therapist said to me that having needs and emotions and sharing them with others is what's required to have relationships - they simply won't exist otherwise.

It sounds like you're very afraid of expressing your needs for fear of the people closest to you rejecting you or leaving you. I can understand that. I've felt the same way. It can be terrifying asking for what you need, especially when you've been the one giving your whole life. But until you do, you won't really know where you stand in your relationships and what they're truly made of. Personally, I'd rather find out who I can trust and rely on than live not knowing, and then finding myself all alone when something really bad has already happened..

You say you only managed to make your parents happy by behaving a certain way as a child. Maybe this taught you that you need to try and 'earn' other people's 'love' by giving them what they want? You also say you ARE a caregiver, but caring for others isn't who you are, it's what you do. It seems to me like you haven't received much (if any) acknowledgement of who you are as a person, nor love for that person For the one who feels and needs.. Even though you SO deserve that love and recognition!

You wonder whether it's selfish to expect others to realise you need love and some looking after as well. I think it's only natural to wish that. I mean, imagine if people actually did get it - if we could all just express our emotions and needs freely and were willing to listen to each other and wanted to do everything we could to help one another - the world would be a much nicer place to live in! But I believe we usually function from inside a sort of system, repeating behaviour patters we've learned and accepted as our own over the course of our lives.

I would imagine that if you start asking for what you need - and not taking no for an answer! - the people in your life might be surprised, shocked even. They might also feel threatened by you showing any signs of 'weakness' (really, it's not you being weak, it's you being human!) They might be scared of what will happen to them if you're not there to look after them anymore. So, in a way, it works in their favour to not 'get' that you need them. If you expect them to, I'm afraid you'll remain stuck in not getting your needs met and feeling alone.

I think that in your immediate current situation you must find someone to help take care of your mother. For you, your son needs to be your first priority. He is dependent on you, and up to a point, you're responsible for him. Choosing to focus on your child does not make you a bad child! Your mother is responsible for herself. If she's unable to get the help she needs herself, demand that your siblings sort it out. You've simply got too much on your plate right now.

You deserve to feel good, be healthy, to get help, to look after yourself, to love yourself. You really do!

Do take care Hugs!!!!!!

[baseline]

Dear D.O.A, Thank you for your thoughtful and kind support! I wish I was as eloquent as you. I have such trouble expressing myself. I appreciate your advice. I don't know where to start but I definitely have to make some changes.