[Yismymindblank12]

I just want to get enough money take a bus and runaway when I get the chance not tell anyone in my family or friends. Not bring my phone and leave everything behind carry cash on me at hand. I'll be homeless and run away to very far in the warm climates of the south. When I run out of money that's where I'll stay. I can't cope working like this starving and not having fun with life for what it is. I'm 21 and I feel like my life is ending, so I feel I should end it on a good note. So wherever I'm stuck at I'll die peacefully in a happy place I wanted to be at alone.

I'm sick of being poor very poor, not eating enough going to the library to talk to my friends feeling I owe all the world everything when it gave me nothing where I had no choice in my poverty my parents got me here. I pay for their problems. My sister is having the time of her life and I'm barely hanging on.

I won't get surgery ever for being transgender, I won't get my goals in life I want I'm contempt to live life alone far away from everyone.

I just want to leave quietly, I'm not going to do something like hang myself or suicide. I'll just be stuck out in a situation where yeah I'll be suffering without money food or water like I already am, but when it's over. I just didn't want to be like this anymore.

My music feels like some type of scam I feel my goals won't be realized because I wasn't lucky to get enough money to pay my way ahead in life like everyone who is around me. Nor have I any means to survive in the longevity. I don't want to date or have any relationships anymore they feel tiresome and exhausting. Many days I don't even want to talk to anyone because I feel I wasted their time by existing.

My life turned from rough to pure hell instantly, poverty has been too much for me to deal with. Life is already hard enough, but not having enough to be happy or alive too expensive to die to expensive to live.

I don't have the resources, because I used them up already like voc rehab and people who would actually help me out of this mess, can't help me. Colleges won't accept me for not having the rest of tuition covered fafsa won't give me enough aid because of my parents income despite being very very house poor. I can't afford food. I work out all the time and constantly losing weight, I figured they can help some junkie get their life together while my family unjustly starves under being punished for working hard to survive being poor.

I never get to see my therapist or my doctor anymore. I have a cyst in my face and I'm on steroids now for an emergency allergic reaction from food.
This girl I really like, I really like her, but I feel she'll leave me too.
I say that despite how things are, everyone leaves me, one way or another whether life is just cruel to me or I push them away or both.
Whatever it is. I really don't want to see myself old in the mirror I don't want to die in reality rather in fantasy and being happy I made something happen my own choice not by someone else's.

I did lots of thinking, and I feel even if people miss me. I feel more abandoned than all of them. I care for people too much and I get treated the worst out of all of them the most misunderstood rather. My starvation was all an act of crying to be loved and noticed I wanted that girl to hold on to me and not let me go. I wanted to be a pretty girl just have it easier, but now I am going to eventually look like a freak in a couple years skin and bones and still trapped here if I continue my path of living.

I'm tired being told to feel guilty about my actions. It's like telling me I should be guilty for existing. My mother treated indifferently for being transgender despite being very helpful and supportive of all the hell I fought through.

I really don't want my opportunity to die the way I want to pass and it's in the hands of someone in a hospice or hospital. I won't ever have that on me especially older. I saw how my grandmother was abused and tortured before she died. That killed my hope for a happy life. I was 12 and I know that's not how I will die. I don't want all my life achievements to turn into that mess of suffering that put so much pain on my heart seeing it happening to someone I really love and miss.

Many days I could be a kid again and forget I am even someone on this planet and just live life drifting as a child wondering through everything being alone would be better than what I have now.

I really feel lost alone abandoned and hated... I feel my starvation is a form of punishment for not choosing the right choices in life, but what is right i guess not the right moment I should say. Nothing to be sure, I wish I had the punishment of not having my schooling paid for if I did something my parents didn't want me to do than not have school at all because I was born unlucky.

I keep trying everything every year and still no luck.

I won't be able to update this because I can't afford internet, cellphone, nor anything at the moment. I don't know if I'll have a place to live in 30 days I think I should, but if not then this may be one of my last few posts in awhile. Cya

[healingme4me]

Was having a chat with a friend/coworker today. Her granddaughter is living around here, with her now. Young adult. My friend and I were discussing the whole college thing. There's a cultural shift occurring on its importance, in terms of not many want to begin life, indebted. Which is what's been happening for the past couple of generations. Sometimes, working your hands to the bone is more rewarding than working your hands to the bone with debt dangling, after all post under grad work, just isn't the same nor what was promised or dangled, metaphorically.

Are you literally starving for lack of food or purposefully, as symbolic of feeling deprived of your dreams and ambitions?

Was chatting with another, last night. I haven't had much chance to look it up, but there's a two hour documentary on the homeless on skid row in L.A.. homelessness happens to be his social interest and was said, this of all else out there, enlightening, eye opening and gives a mental shift and perspective...his wisdom, in my sharing this point, based upon your post....truly the best advice i can give you....when you can before pulling anything drastic...search for it, watch it...


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[Yismymindblank12]

Both in literally starved with no food like I'm not exaggerating. And yes on the other.

[Yismymindblank12]

I do deliberately starve myself. When I'm feeling at my worst for a period despite not having much to eat. Without my job, I'd be skin and bones much faster. I'm already heading there, but its slower than what it can be not by much.