[monkeybrains21]

What the hell is wrong with me!! I can't even put it into words what I feel. All I can say is I want to do nothing speak to no one and see no one. I've been like this for days. Pdoc wanted me to write down my daily moods and fluctuations and whatever. I had 2 months for this and I am such a procrastinator I didn't even think about it until last week and I have to see Pdoc next week. Even I know there's no such thing as procrastinating for 2months on something that I'm to do every day. I don't even know what I'm talkin about now. I'm just lost and down and dunno what else.

[striking]

Fear, maybe denial could be the root of it. The only resolution right now is open your notebook and write how you feel right now about it. The second entry should come right after as you evaluate how you felt after writing.

[monkeybrains21]

I'm sorry striking I have no clue what ur talking about but it doesn't surprise me since I don't even know what I feel. So lately I've been listening to a podcast and recently they've stated that those of us who r abused or shamed need a place of safety and security. A place they feel no shame or judgement. I do not have that place. I will never tell my wife what I've been through because once she knows I can't take it back it it hurts her or upsets her or has any negative effect on her.

I recently let T know more about me than everyone else in my life combined. I don't like how it makes me feel. The only comfort I can see from it is that I can just stop seeing T if I chose to. It's a simple solution and my out. I'm sure T realizes this since she's not dumb and maybe it's y the last time we spoke we spoke very little about the 4pg factual history of my "life". I wish there was more encouragement or advice out there for me but I'd be delusional to fathom thinking I mattered to anyone.

I don't even know y I'm here saying any o this as if it mattered. I am alone and I am no one that matters until someone wants or needs something. My demise is inevitable and for the life of me I have no idea what I'm waiting for. Maybe it's the chance my life will change but I'll be 29 soon and the only good in my life has been eclipsed by all the bad in the past and all the bad that will come. I am trapped in this nightmare of caring for others but not giving a damn about myself.