[letting-go]

I am married with 4 children. All of my life I have taken care of my husband and children, fell over backwards to ensure things were right for them. I have always been honest believing that honesty is the best policy, and all that. I am organized making sure that everything is done the proper way. I do not stretch the truth on forms including taxes. My dad did not do things the honest right way so I wanted to be different but it seems sometimes by doing things the right way that it is so much harder. Why try so hard when all you get is headaches. I see these people that are doing things the easy way and they are so much happier.
I love people, I'm nice to everyone I don't care about their faults I accept them, but I'm so afraid to let anyone close to me that I accept them from afar and not allow them close. So what happens is I have a ton of headaches fixing other people's messes, and I have no close friends. It's a fairly lonely life which in all honesty I at times prefer. I just want peace, and happiness, and not to have to struggle for everything. I see others who have families who are close and they talk daily and laugh together. It makes me jealous and I feel so sad because I don't have that, I never have had that. I don't know how to be close to others, and I feel something is wrong with me. That a part that was supposed to be turned on as a child never got turned on. It's lonely hurting and not knowing how to stop the hurt. I want to heal. I've been trying so hard to heal and even that has become a fight. I went to counseling for 2 months, my insurance was cancelled I ended up with a 700$ bill, I paid it started counseling again, went to one meeting, and now they do not take the insurance so I have to find a new therapist. It's so frustrating. Maybe I'm not supposed to heal? that's all I can figure. I'm so sorry for this rant, I try not to vent but at times I don't know what else to do. Oh and my medication had a bad effect on me where I could no longer control my actions or moods. the doctor had me go off of it, I was supposed to wean down but that didn't work so I just stopped. He was supposed to call me in new medication and he never did. So more issues. Just at times, I feel what's the use, is it all worth it? I want to help myself but more than that I want to help others, but I can't when I'm not healthy myself.
Thank you for listening and I'm sorry again for venting.

[Thunder Bow]

Do not compare yourself to others. Do not try to rescue others from their problems. Be yourself. You may not need all of that therapy, that you thought you needed. Just take care of yourself, and do not push yourself, and compare yourself to others.

[letting-go]

I feel that you are right, I do need to stop comparing myself to others, and learn who I am and start being myself. Thank you