[ArtGrey]

I know the title seems really contradictory but let me explain myself. I've been having these strange feelings for past couple weeks that I'm not myself at all, I'm not real, the person others see is something not me and I can't explain to them they're talking to someone else (it wouldn't come out right no matter what I tried). It feels like I'm hovering very faintly off to the side of my body. And then I start thinking about my childhood and what got me here, what made me into me and it's so... confusing and startling. This is where I feel too close to reality I don't want to fine tooth comb through my life and find out this person, the me that is here, is wrong. Just over all wrong feeling for reasons I can't figure out.

I moved out of my home and went to a big city in another state for college two years ago. Previously I stayed in the same home for 18 years in a teeny tiny town, so this huge change was expected. But not in this way. I'm feeling so far from my memories and my hometown and too close to what's happening now. I know, this is probably just another adult thing that every young person goes through but I can't help how awkward I feel in my own body. I can't tell if I'm who I want to be or even close, because I don't know who I want to be. Before I never thought much of it, be who you want to be, wear the things you like, pierce and tattoo to your hearts desire, and then (I guess turning 20 might have had something to do with it) I woke up and looked in the mirror and now I'm not sure about my lip piercing, my gauges, my tattoos. These are the things I admire in people a lot.

Part of what got me I'm sure is a tattoo I regret, it's not actually that awful looking and I loved it until it was on my skin and then I was very hesitant. Wrong time to be hesitant about your tattoo I know. Then I got a massive panic attack that's been sending me down this fun trail for the past few weeks so now I associate those feelings with this tattoo. I called my mom about it and she offered to get it covered up by a reliable tattoo artist she knows. The tattoo is so big, it startled me.

But my problem goes deeper than "I don't like this tattoo" it's become this very strange, looking at myself from an entirely different perspective. This perspective is one of the middle aged, very judgmental, white suburban church mom I guess because I can't help but be so self conscious about my body mods and clothes like I'm somehow expressing myself wrong and I'm gross but this is what I've wanted for years, I was so ready to finally dress and look the way I wanted after so many years.

I look at what home was to find where my identity might have disappeared to but I don't have a home anymore. My parents divorced after I moved out and live in separate places. It's not supposed to be this big of a deal but it was strange helping my mom move out, watching my dad cry. Watch the both of them change their lives from stable to not at all while I'm trying to start a life of my own. I miss stability. I was so ready for change but this is different, everything changed I didn't even get a chance to process it.

The changes in my life are starting to startle me. They didn't before, I've considered myself a very adaptable person. The turning 20 thing may have more to do with it, I'm not a teenager anymore so I feel like I have to double my efforts to justify my existence. I don't want to be seen as a phase, like a teenager going through some goth thing. I'm afraid people will dismiss me very easily but I'm also afraid that I have to abandon things I like in the name of adulthood responsibility. But that doesn't make sense, not really, but in my head I've been wondering about this.

Long read, but I sincerely hope someone has advice on maybe this stage of life, dealing with drastic changes, coping with feelings of self hatred/self unreality, anything, I'm just so confused.

[Keyslost]

Yes this sounds familiar. A good start is to ask yourself why all the self hatred all of a sudden. Is it an outside force or are you thinking to yourself you want to move on from the past experiences. Not that it was necessarily negative, but that you're growing. This can be totally normal depending on the circumstances. The fact that your mom wants to help is pretty cool too. If, on the other hand, it's self-criticism from what you think others think of you then that's a bit different. You have to love yourself for who you are and don't let others bring you down . Learning this lesson myself, people will put you down and judge to make themselves better you just keep being you and that's enough Feel free to elaborate I assumed a bit there so please correct me if needed. Hope it helped

[Thunder Bow]

Do not worry what others are going to think about you. You can not be accepted by everyone. Start learning more about yourself and who you are. Start by building a good sense of Self. Being "responsible and productive" is not a good sense of self. But are just cultural expectations, thus do not be so concerned about them. Do not abandon those things that are meaningful to you, because of those expectations.